Dating Drama: Single is Still the Only Option

I recently read a great blog about how dating is like finding your missing puzzle piece.  Among the many points she makes is “there is no drama.”  Yes, no drama.  This should not be impossible.  But why does it continue to be?

Let me say start off by saying, “Yes, I know many woman are full of drama!”  But men are too!  For me, dating has been nothing BUT drama.  And NOT brought on by my part.  Dating for me has only produced a stream of constant disappointment, headaches, disrespect, and a complete lack of consideration for my time.  This is only a snapshot in a typical week of a single woman.

1. Sexual harassment is rampant. I previously blogged about a guy I dubbed “The Masturbator” after I heard him jerking off during a phone conversation.  Well, he came back out of the blue with nothing short of filth.  This is just a snapshot and doesn’t even express the complete disrespect and lewdness of his text messages.  I finally blocked him.  (NOTE: his message about “taking one for the team” was referring to the previous incident where I caught him masturbating on the phone).

2. There is no consideration for your time. As a single mother with a professional job, I have a busy schedule.  So I greatly value the free time I do have.  But then there are times that I make time outside of the typical “every other weekend” by getting a babysitter if someone excites me enough to make the effort and pay the $50 for a night out.  Knowing the juggling it takes to free up time on a random Wednesday night, for example, I am not a happy camper when I get blown off an hour before I’m supposed to meet someone.  Recently, in one week alone, I was blown off three separate times in the span of seven days.  This one was particularly disappointing because we had already been out a couple times, and he made the plans.  We had just confirmed that morning, and then I got this two hours before we were supposed to meet.  It’s frustrating.

3. You get drama without asking for it. A friend’s ex messaged me on a dating site.  He didn’t realize who I was, but I knew him right away because my friend had dated him for a couple of years.  I sent her a text message just saying you’ll never guess who messaged me and told her.  What was meant to be a “ha ha” moment where the guy says, “Wow, what a small world?” turned into his being mean, rude and classless.  I did not respond, but let my friend handle it instead.

 It seems so easy for some to find the missing piece to their puzzle.  But for me, my missing piece is buried within one of those 10,000 piece puzzle sets.  It’s frustrating because I am not a complicated person nor do I lead a complicated life.  And as settling will never be an option, I guess single is the only other one available.

Single Crazy Women: How to NOT Deal with Rejection

One thing I am very particular about when dating is to ensure I am never classified as crazy.  Why would a woman lower herself to acting desperate when there are literally hundreds of other guys where he came from?  If he doesn’t like you, fuck it.  It’s his loss.  Nobody likes rejection, and I am no different.  Most of us are mature, and we pick up and move on.  But then there is the case of “Single Women Go Crazy” – when women take rejection to an extreme.

I got a text from a male friend yesterday who was devastated after finding out a girl he had dated a few months back went online and posted his name, pictures, and profile name from an online dating site on a number of “I dated that douche” type websites. The woman had completely attacked him, even so far as saying to bring Viagra because he can’t get it up.  Seriously, how old are we?  That’s like the guy in high school spreading rumors about a girl smelling like fish.

My friend found out because a girl he was talking to had Googled his name and discovered the post (sorry buddy, this is classic).  A couple of other women who he talked to or dated at some point must have found it as well because these women just had a complete bitch fest about him.  My first reaction to him after reading all the posts, “jesus Christ, who did you piss off?”

His gripe was mainly that he has a somewhat public position in his community, but more importantly, he was concerned with his kids seeing it if they ever looked him up online.  For me, the kid thing personally got me.  I couldn’t IMAGINE, and that’s what hit home with me.

To understand, this guy didn’t cheat or do something horrendous.  Some of the remarks (and my commentary) are below:

“He appears to be great until he gets what he wants.”

Commentary:  How is this different from any other guy out there?  I believe it is an innate trait in the male psyche to do this. 

“Every single conversation, he talks about himself and tells you a boring 20 minutes story.”

Commentary: Many people do this – men and women.  Maybe he’s hung up on himself, or maybe he’s just nervous.  If you think he’s a dick, don’t go out with him again.  But don’t post he’s crazy on a half dozen websites because that just makes YOU look crazy.

“He made plans with me six times, and then made up an excuse each time why he couldn’t make it.”

Commentary:  Well, that’s your stupidity!!  It took you SIX times to figure out he wasn’t interested in you.

“He just went on and on about how attractive I was and talked about the future, but never asked me anything about me.”

Commentary:  He is trying to make sure you understand how great he is so you’ll give it up easy.  Hello!! What guy DOESN’T go on and on about how different he is and how he wants a relationship and he’s looking for more than just sex.  Any intelligent woman knows this is your cue to know he is looking for exactly the OPPOSITE of those things.  Duh!!

“He will be totally attentive for a month or so.  Good morning, good night.  He doesn’t miss a beat.  Then when he gets what he wants, he will stop talking to you cold turkey and refuse to answer your calls.”

Commentary:  Um, yeah, this is called BEING A MAN.  Every guy lays it on thick until he either gets what he wants or realizes he isn’t going to get what he wants.  If every woman who gets dumped after a guy has sex with her posted on these sites, EVERY SINGLE MAN IN AMERICA would have his picture on there.

Rejection is not an easy thing.  But it’s no wonder all women get a reputation for being crazy – because of stupidity like this.  I expect teenagers to cause this type of idiotic drama, not grown women in their 30s and 40s who got rejected.  I talk to guys all the time who waste my time for weeks and then disappear or blow me off at the last minute.  You just chalk it up to the nature of the game.  It’s frustrating as hell, but I’m not going to obsess about it and go post his name in a very public forum and bash him.  That just tells people YOU are crazy, not him.  But more importantly, it is just giving another example and more ammunition to the next guy I meet who believes all women are psychotic, and it makes my job harder to prove a cool girl can exist who isn’t going to show up at his house boiling a white bunny in a pot.

(NOTE: THIS BLOG IS BEING PUBLISHED WITH HIS PERMISSION).

Top 5 Ways Single Men are Like Santa Claus

As the holidays approach, I am still trying to get in to the spirit. I have my two little boys who provide me with some Christmas magic, but I also realize this is Christmas No. 5 that I am single and alone.  Nobody to think of me, nobody to enjoy holiday activities with, nobody to cuddle with by the fire as the snow blankets the ground.  Sounds depressing, but after five years, I’m used to it.  I planned in advance this year, however.  My best single girlfriends and I are all playing that “special someone” for each other and exchanging gifts.

But all this holiday stuff got me thinking about Santa and the joy of Christmas when I was a little girl – and what Christmas is for me today.  The more I thought about it, I realized that single men are a lot like Santa in many ways.  To all you single ladies out there who have been dating for a long time and learned anything about it, after reading this list, you will not be able to disagree.

Here is my top five list of ways single men are like Santa Claus (we’ll refer to Single Guy here as “Joe”):

They are only good for one day and then disappear. Do you even have enough fingers and toes to count the number of guys you have connected with who just suddenly disappear – for absolutely no reason?  You had a great connection with Joe, everything seemed right.  He kissed you, and even went so far as to start planning that second date.  Joe made you have visions of sugar plums dancing in your head.  Then, POOF. Joe just disappears!  Another Houdini come and gone.  Just as fast as Santa dropped his presents and left, Joe literally stops talking to you.  But like Santa, Joe will come back.  Usually sooner than Santa, perhaps in a couple of months.  However, it is possible that Joe may come back in a year wielding that oh so familiar text, “Hey, how have you been?  I’ve been thinking about you.”

You are not the only one on their list.  Just like Santa has millions of little kids to make happy, Joe has several lists to fulfill himself.  He doesn’t know where to begin he has so many to choose from.  Even if Joe likes you, liking just YOU is not enough for him.  He needs to explore a handful of options, and then another handful.  Because despite telling you how wonderful you are in every way, YOU are STILL not good enough. I had a recent date with an amazing guy.  It was there in every way.  According to him, we had a “unique connection”, he felt “comfortable” with me, and even texted me from his subsequent dates to tell me they sucked and he should have went out with me instead.

While discussing the possibility of getting together for a second date, he disappeared (like Santa).  So I texted him a few days later and asked if I had a disease or something, and he responded by sharing with me the others on his list (YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP).

They say “ho ho ho.” Santa has such a jolly “ho ho ho” – and Joe says it too.  It just has a different meaning.  I watch my male friends as they swipe through Tinder.  With each swipe to the right, they say aloud, “I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her.”  With every email and every swipe, Joe is not evaluating you as a potential girlfriend.  Joe is thinking, “Ho, ho, ho. I’m horny.”

You have to keep making up reasons why they are real, and it gets harder and harder to give an answer. My boys are starting to ask me tough questions about Santa’s existence, and it’s slowly getting more difficult to make up reasons why he is real.  I feel the same way about Joe.  I’ve met more Joes in the last five years that have turned into NOTHING despite being led to believe otherwise (see number 2 above).  My sons ask me questions such as, “Mama, how can Santa be at our school and the mall at the same time?”  I ask myself questions like, “How did Joe go from making me believe we had a connection to texting me his ho, ho, ho list?”  I keep making up reasons Santa – and Joe – are real, but frankly, I am running out of answers.

The magical fairy tale exists as a child, but then you grow up and find out he wasn’t real after all. As little girls, we dream of meeting a magical man, having a fairy tale wedding, and living happily ever after.  Very much how we dreamed of Santa leaving us our favorite doll under the Christmas tree.  But then you grow up and realize all the hopeful excitement and magical dreams were nothing more than lies to sell toys and cards and books and movies.  Because just like Santa, a real Joe simply fails to exist.

So I asked Santa to bring me a Joe – oh wait!  Forget it.  Merry Christmas!

Online Dating Diaries: The Masturbator

What started out as a normal conversation with a guy I met on Tinder recently suddenly turned into heavy breathing.  I asked him why he sounded weird, and then I said, “Oh my God, are you masturbating?”  He giggled and denied it, but then he said he just heard his son get up and hung up abruptly.  What the f*ck?  Who was this guy?  I had to know.   So I put my investigative skills into motion (I am THE BEST), and I found him.  There he was – BIG CORPORATE EXECUTIVE!

So I laughed my way to bed that night as I scratched my head saying, “Well that was a first.”  Of course, I fully expected to never hear from The Masturbator again, but sure as hell the next day, he texted me. WHY ME?  He has been relentless, and I am convinced he is a creep and pervert.  And I swear he is dying to send me a cock shot.

I have called him a creep and a weirdo and a pervert.  He is CRAZY, although he has tried to convince me he is normal because he hasn’t sent me a cock shot yet.  I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times he has asked me out and I have ignored him.

But finally, I have decided to meet BIG CORPORATE EXECUTIVE this weekend.  Why I have no idea.  But I am completely intrigued for no logical reason whatsoever.

The ABCs of Dating: A Satire

After being single for over four years, I decided to take a long hard look at dating and finally realized I am doing it all wrong.  Thus, I have come up with “The ABCs of Dating” – a guide that every woman should follow.  So if you are like me, wondering how some people just seem to fall into a new relationship before they are even out of the last one when you struggle to find a halfway decent guy to actually take you out on a Saturday night, just note you are doing it all wrong.

Here are the ABCs of dating in the 21^st century.  It should serve as the Bible for single women around the world looking to land a long-term relationship with a wonderful man.

A is for Always Fuck on the First Date.  C’mon, you KNOW he will still call you the next day.   It is ONLY sex.  It doesn’t mean anything to us.  Oh, and don’t even make him put in an effort and buy you dinner.  A couple of $2 draft beers later and you should be ready to give it up in the backseat of his car.

B is for Blow Job.  In case you have your period and can’t fuck him on the first date, be prepared to give him a blow job.  I completely ruined my chances with a Prince Charming a few months ago by refusing to do so.  He said if nothing was going to happen or he wasn’t going to get a blow job, I could bring him back to his car.  So I brought him back to his car.  STUPID ME!  Undoubtedly, I should have performed my best oral for him.  I know he would have called me the next day, and we could have gone on a second date.

C is for Clueless.  Do NOT have a brain.  Be completely fucking dumb, in fact.  You did NOT go to grad school, you are NOT a professional at a multi-billion dollar company, you do NOT watch the news, you do NOT have an opinion on the mid-term elections.  You are to be nothing less than clueless.  Talk about shoes and how you wish you had enough money to hire someone to clean your house so you don’t have to ruin your manicure.

D is for Disappearing.  Yes, be prepared for him to disappear on you multiple times, and then reappear when he is bored or looking to get laid.  Perhaps you had plans last weekend which were abruptly cancelled due to <insert lame ass excuse here>.  Or more likely, he just stopped texting you because a better piece of ass came along.  He is ALLOWED to disappear at will, and YOU are obligated to be at his beck and call when he texts you out of the blue a month later.

E is for Effort.  Men are absolutely NEVER required to put in an effort.  You should be happy if he even texts you back.  And shit, if he actually OFFERS a couple hours of his time to meet you, don’t anticipate any actual thought be put into impressing you.  Forget flowers, sweetheart.  This isn’t 1962 anymore.  If you get the 2 for $20 special at Applebee’s, you ought to be falling head over heels in love already for the amazing show of effort.  The last girl only got a cup of coffee.

F is for Free.  He is FREE to treat you with complete disrespect, and it is your obligation to make sure you are always FREE for him.  He doesn’t have to call or text you.  He doesn’t have to make time for you.  He is free to come in and out of your life as he sees fit.  You are NOT busy.  It is only the man who is overloaded with prior commitments.  You have no job, no kids to cart around, no friends.  You have NO LIFE – HE is the ONLY ones with a life.  Your only obligation is to sit and wait for him to offer HIS precious time to YOU.  And it may just be for a late night booty call.  But remember, YOU HAVE NO LIFE!  So if he offers you a one hour opportunity on a Wednesday at midnight to come over, take it.  Even better, just leave your kids home alone in bed and drive to his house.  Make it as easy as possible for the man to spend time with you.

G is for Grateful.  Always be grateful for whatever crumbs a man is willing to throw at you.  Remember, you are just one of about 8 – 10 other girls they are communicating with.  And despite the effort most of us put in when meeting a guy for the first time, if you even so much as expect him to say, “Wow, you look great,” you must be smoking crack.  Remember be GRATEFUL you were the “chosen one” he selected to open up two hours in his insanely busy calendar to meet.

H is for Handsome.  Make sure you tell him how handsome he is even if you are taller than him despite the fact he listed himself as 5’ 10” and is distinctly lacking the same amount of hair in person than in his posted pictures.  Laugh at all his jokes.  He is so funny even George Carlin can’t hold a candle next to him in the comedy department.  Ask him lots of questions about himself, but never ever expect him to care about your life, your career, or your hobbies.  Only HE matters.

I is for Ignore.  You are to completely ignore all red flags and the fact that many of the stories he tells you do not add up.  Ignore it when he says his ex-wife and last three girlfriends were crazy.  Ladies, you have to know by now WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE CRAZY.  Guys are not crazy and DO NO WRONG.  We are all crazy for HAVING EXPECTATIONS.  Therefore, you must not ask any questions and just take their word as gospel.

J is for Jilted.  Be prepared to get jilted at all times.  Remember, we have no life.  We live for them.  So when he tells you, “Maybe we can do something on Friday night,” be sure to make no plans, and if you have kids like me, make sure you line a babysitter up JUST IN CASE he texts you at 6 on Friday to say he can meet you for a quick drink. How lucky are you?  You get to spend an hour getting ready and pay $40 for a babysitter so you can meet him for a half hour.  You hit the fucking jackpot!  It is likely you will get jilted, though.  But remember, you must have NO EXPECTATIONS at any time for him to even stick to a simple plan.

K is for Kiss His Ass.  He doesn’t text you back.  No problem.  He didn’t call you the last three times he said he would.  Geez, have you ever known someone who is SO BUSY or goes to bed at 8:00 every night? He still hasn’t offered to meet you despite the fact that you have made yourself available several times.  NO PROBLEM.  When he is ready to give you a half hour, he will tell you.  And it is your obligation to overlook the last two times he blew you off and drop everything you are doing to be free for him.  You must always kiss his ass.

L is for Less.  This one is very simple.  You give more, they give less.  Repeat that a thousand times until you remember it.

M is for Magnificent.  Everything he does is magnificent and mind blowing.  Just accept everything you have accomplished or have to manage on a daily basis pales in comparison to the level of achievement and responsibility he holds.  You are only magnificent when he is horny and wants to dump a quick one.  It is amazing how interested he is then.

The ABCs of Dating, Part 2 coming soon…

Dating Life of a Thirty Something

Do you want an inside glimpse at a dating diary of a thirty something?  Someone shared her diary with me – and asked me to blog about it.

Occasionally, I get a private message from people I know – women and men – who are single and read my blog asking me to write about their experiences.  Recently, I got a message from a random acquaintance stating that every time she reads my blog, it is a reminder to her as to why she is still single.  Her exact words were, “I always think maybe it’s me, maybe I am doing something wrong.  But I know it’s not me.  It’s just impossible to find a decent guy who you are compatible with and who is looking for more than just sex.”

Boy do I know what she means.  I’ve been called a serial dater in the past.  I’ve analyzed my own dating experiences over and over again.  How do some people just seem to fall into relationships after barely just getting out of one?  I’ve been trying for four years, and I can count on one hand the number of guys that have turned into a second date – never mind beyond.

Some friends tell me I am too picky.  Others have said I’m going for the wrong type of guy.  That’s definitely not the problem – I’ve tried more fucking flavors than a Baskin-Robbins.  From plumbers and electricians to bank executives, and even a doctor or two.  From early 30s to late 40s.  Married and never been married.  Kids, no kids.  Five miles away to 50 miles away.  I’ve taken my chances on every popular dating site, even the ones I’ve had to pay for.  I’ve met people through mutual friends.

I even still talk to some guys I’ve been out with where the chemistry may not have been there, but we were both mature about it and randomly say hello.  And they are good guys so the fact that we still communicate on occasion tells me I must be somewhat decent and normal.

So here is the low-down on this woman who shared her dating diary with me.  I know her mostly through mutual friends, and have even hung out with her a few times.  Early 30s, attractive, college educated, and totally down to earth.

So here is her dating diary over the last six months, with notes included.  Out of 20, she only went to a second date with three, and never to a third date.  

1. Brian, 33, Real Estate Agent — Crazy, didn’t understand social cues, truly thought he was going to kill me.
2. Joe, 34, Financial analyst – Very nice, no real chemistry (contacted me months later apologizing saying that he wasn’t really ready to date when we met)
3. Dan, 35, Banker – Really awkward, took 2 hours to drink a single beer, ate like a bird, loved musicals and The Golden Girls.
4. Brian, 32, Golf Pro – Nice, cute, boring
5. Noah, 34 (Occupation escapes me), Awkward, 30 min late for our date, put down exactly half of the check when it came. Reached out to me again 6 months later.
6. Jon, 34, Tech Support Manager – Shorter than advertised, closed minded (extremely liberal and said he didn’t like anyone who didn’t share his beliefs), spit when he spoke
7. Ali, 36, Police Officer – Aggressive, sweet talker, stopped talking to me after I wouldn’t sleep with him on the 2^nd
8. Peter, 32, Security Guard – Strange, lived at home with parents, obsessed with chick flicks and Disney movies.
9. Billy, 32, Chauffer – Really sweet, thoughtful, no ambition, unsettled
10. Jeff, 32, Bike Mechanic – Funny, sweet, honest, no chemistry
11. Eric, 27, Government – Cute, funny, sweet, no real chemistry
12. Patrick, 31, Teacher – Fun, lots of chemistry, disappeared
13. Lee, 34, Accountant – Awkward, boring, criticized me almost immediately
14. Joel, 37, (occupation escapes me) – Looked nothing like his pictures, walked with a limp
15. Michael, 32, Carpenter – Irish cutie, sweet, smart, disappeared
16. Jim, 32, Car Salesman – ambitious, smart, humble, lots of chemistry, disappeared
17. Dan, 37, Software engineer – Cute, fun. Went on two dates and had a great time. Told me I was too nice.
18. Nate, 32, Car Salesman (former baseball player) – Better in pictures, not a ton in common
19. Sandy, 34, Robotics Engineer – Nice, polite, no chemistry
20. Jack, 33, Sales Exec – Stood me up, five minutes before we were supposed to meet, he texted me something came up.

Is this not crazy?  I mean, think about it.  That’s about a date a week.  And this woman does not have children which makes her dating pool and flexibility even that much more than mine.  Out of 20 men she actually met in person, and not including the dozens she likely talked to who disappeared, and she can’t find chemistry with one.

I swear, the next person I hear say, “It will happen when you least expect it” will be choked.   Or for the married people I know who often tell me they “live vicariously through me” – does this look fun?

As this woman states, “There is nothing more I want than to find a great guy.”  I hear you, friend.  But as for how many of them are out there and not already taken, the odds are very bleak.  You might as well accept your fate like I have and get used to BOB being your only boyfriend.

Has Online Dating Become Prostitution?

They say prostitution is the oldest profession in the world.  But I think prostitutes might have to reinvent their business model due to some stiff competition from dating sites.

I’ve blogged previously about dating sites and apps mostly being hookup heavens for guys just looking to dump a quick load. This is the TRUTH people.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s a free site or app like Tinder and POF, or a paid site like Match.com and eHarmony, there is no shortage of women ready to have sex with any guy who gives them a little attention.

But here’s the thing:  most women on these sites are nothing more than prostitutes. And I’m not talking degenerates.  I’m talking your school teachers, engineers, and the single girl who sits next to you in the office.  Actually, they are worse than prostitutes because at least hookers get paid.

No wonder why it is impossible to find any guy capable of serious dating.  Why would they want to settle for sex with just one woman when there are hundreds more right at their fingertips?  With a simple swipe, any reasonably attractive guy can have 50 matches in a matter of minutes.  And with little effort, there is a 100% chance that if they are bored and horny on a Friday or Saturday night, at least ten of those 50 women will “meet for a drink” – and more.

I am not making assumptions here.  I know from firsthand experience as well as insight from several male friends.  Let’s just use Tinder as an example because that is the most well-known dating app for hookups.  Besides the plethora of married men and swingers out there, 90% of men that I have matched with and actually started conversations with come right out and say they just want to fuck.  Well let me rephrase that.  They actually say, “I’m just out of a relationship so I’m not looking for anything serious” which is essentially code for I just want a free ride.

And no, I am not a prude!!  I think among my own gender pool, you are killing it for us!  Just like men, women are also entitled to have a one-night stand or a wild romp with a hot stranger they met online or at the local bar.  And women should be allowed to do it without being judged.  BUT NOT ALL THE TIME!

For those of you who have been humped and dumped more than three times in the last year and sit there saying guys suck and scratch your head wondering why they never call you again.  I have only one question: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Where has self-respect gone?  Last I checked, most marriages and long-term relationships did not begin with a one-night stand.

I appreciate when a guy is just candid with me and states his intentions upfront.  However, every once in a while, you run across the random douche bag who either has absolutely no game or has had so many “play dates” that he thinks every woman is a hooker.

One particular guy I talked to a while ago had it coming to him when he met me.  A normal conversation ensues and then I asked him what he was looking for to which he responded, “I’d love to meet a cool girl to hang with and see where it goes.”  Ok, that’s a perfect response.  But the next text to come blows my mind, “We should meet up.  Maybe you can come to my house and we can watch a movie and talk more.”

I am thoroughly aggravated as I can’t believe this guy is for real.  Does he REALLY think I’m that stupid?  So I decided I was just going to have some fun with him.

Ok, I seriously can’t believe this guy.  “I don’t think I ever said anything about that.”  Is it April Fool’s Day?  C’mon dude.  So I called one of my guy friends and asked him to give me a witty response so he told me to tell the guy I wanted to watch a porn movie.  I said, even better yet, male porn.  So I give a complete asshole response thinking the guy is going to just block me at this point, but he actually responds!

I am convinced that one of the biggest problems with finding a man who is willing to settle down is because many single women today lack standards.  The general female population has lowered their expectations.  Guys will try to go there after one or maybe two dates.  But we have the right to a two-letter word, “No!”  Most babies learn it by the time they turn one.  Let’s all learn it and repeat it to ourselves over and over.  Any guy who is serious will respect your boundaries and still call you the next day.  If he doesn’t, you will know your answer.  You simply were nothing more to him than a warm hole for the night.

As for the guys out there, you are definitely not off the hook either.  I hope you do recognize that the last girl who banged you in the first three hours of knowing you – there were probably five others that have been there in the last month.  She really wasn’t a challenge, and I pray she is blowing up your phone calling you an asshole.

My final response to the tool bag before I blocked him.

Top Ten Lines to Guarantee No Second Date

It is always hard to do the letdown after a first date.  I’ve had to do it on a few occasions, and I have had it done to me.  Most men will just not respond if they’re not interested (which drives a woman NUTS, by the way.  Grow some balls and just let her down easy).  But if you know instantly you just don’t like her when you meet and want to have a little fun with her, here is a list of top ten statements I have pulled from my personal dating diaries that you can use to guarantee there will never be a second date.

TOP TEN LINES TO GUARANTEE NO SECOND DATE

10. I knew I shouldn’t have gone on any dates while I was trying to quit smoking because I am very irritated for no reason.

9.  Why would you order that steak if you weren’t going to eat the whole thing?  You can’t waste that.  I’ll bring it home for my dog.

8.  The last girl I met brought me to a house party which turned out to be a swinger party.  Hold on, let me show you some of the pictures.

7.  If I could put a hit out on my ex-wife and not get caught, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.

6.  You have really nice toes.  Can I suck them later?

5.  Have you ever tried judo?  There is this great move where you put your foot in my groin and flip me over.  The pressure from your foot actually feels really good.

4.  I’m sorry to be rude, but that’s my ex-girlfriend who keeps calling and she’s not going to stop unless I get it.

3. Don’t worry, those aren’t track marks on my arm.

2. If we are just going to make out and nothing is going to happen, you can just bring me back to my car.

And the number one line to guarantee no second date…

1. My ex-wife had the best pussy.

 

 

The Secret Ingredients to Landing a Guy

Nearly four years of being single, with one malevolent narcissist in between, I found out today the secret ingredients to landing a great guy.  My male friend “D” sent me a stream of text messages earlier in a frenzy after finding out the girl he had been dating for the last few months has been seeing two other guys.  He was hurt and upset and furious, as any of us would be – male or female.  But he was particularly pissed because he had just shelled out money for $300 Bruins tickets that he was hoping to surprise her with.  That was his thanks.

Never screw with a woman scorned, they say.  Well, the same goes for men.  All of a sudden, the truth starts coming out about her.  She lives in a sober house.  “What were you thinking?” I say.  The skeletons just keep coming.  Is he insane?  This is the great girl that has stolen his heart.  He has everything going for him, and this is what he settles with.  He puts it perfectly in a text to me below.

And then it all clicked and I realized why I am still single.  Besides refusing to degrade myself by engaging in random hookups, I’m not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic and I actually have a job, an education and a car.

On my last date, I got stuffed with the dinner bill.  And when I dated the narcissist, he would remind me that he bought me and my kids an ice cream cone after I just shelled out $100 to take him and his four kids to dinner just days before.

Then he reminds me, as all my other male friends do when I bitch to them, “This is why all of us guys just bang them and move on to the next.”

So let me get this straight.  This homeless, unlicensed recovering addict has not just one, but THREE boyfriends, all fighting over her and buying her jewelry and NHL playoff tickets.  But, I can’t manage to find someone serious enough to go on a single date.

So what are the secret ingredients?  If you want to land a guy, or two or three, consider the following:

1.        Start snorting, shooting, smoking or swallowing illegal substances.
2.        Quit your job.
3.        Get a DUI so you lose your license.
4.        Spread easier than melted butter on bread.

Time to come up with a new strategy because being normal, decent, and employed makes you “undateable” these days.

Good Riddance to Online Dating: Best Profile Ever

This was my online dating profile about two years ago.  I found it tonight while backing up some old files.  I forgot I had saved it, probably because I knew I’d have a good laugh one day.  I must say, this is probably considered nice compared to what my profile might say today.  I never received so many emails in my life – most were from people thanking me for making them laugh.  But I also got my fair share of hate mail as well.  This helped me grow my block list to over 400.  Enjoy!

July 2012 – Dating profile

CAUTION: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE ZONE OF BLUNT TRUTH. So before you proceed, make sure you buckle up and don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. And before you start threatening me or calling me the “c” word or “b” word, as some of you that have read my profile already have, I will report you.

I read profiles every day of men who seem to have their “truth” about women.  Well, let me tell you the truth about men. Still waiting for one to prove me wrong.

1. You claim to be the “real deal” and how fun and exciting you are to be around.  Your life is so full of adventure, and you brag about this amazing life you have, your hobbies, and all the places you have traveled.  Well I haven’t met anyone yet that actually likes to go out and DO SOMETHING FUN. Trying to get any of you to even go to dinner is like pulling teeth. Or you ask to take a woman out then disappear or come up with the lamest excuse at the last minute to cancel. WTF is that about?? Because you have someone else on the back burner who’s a definite score? This is the thing that drives me the most crazy – especially seeing YOU asked ME to go out. Thus, the “one strike” rule. You f*ck up once, you’re out.

2. You say women post pictures that are ten years old when they were a size 6 and then show up weighing 300+ pounds. I purposely posted pictures that are about ten and twenty years old to show you I haven’t changed much. But what about guys? Every guy I have gone on a date with that claims to be 5′ 8″ to 5″10 has lied about their height because I have been taller than every one of you. Or you wear a baseball hat in every picture to disguise the fact that you are losing your hair. And not every women that puts “about average” as their body type is a liar. I truly am about average. I’d put curvy because I actually have tits, hips, and an ass, but “curvy” to a guy translates to “That’s a girl’s nice way of admitting she is an obese pig.”  Yes, if you’re looking for a girl who is a size 2 and a carpenter’s dream, that’s not me, but not all of us lie about our body type.

3. You say you want your “last kiss” or to meet your “princess” – but really, a majority of you just want to get laid. You think if you take a girl to dinner, this entitles you to a blow job in the backseat of your truck. Or because we’ve talked on the phone for a few weeks, I “know you” enough to want to come to your house for a “movie night and cuddling.”  Do I look like I was born yesterday?

4. Women don’t care how big your muscles are and don’t want to hear that you’re hung like a horse. Most guys that post pictures showing their abs or muscles are either full of themselves or have to distract you from the fact that they’re just plain ugly. We don’t care that you have a big **** because the truth is it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. And for all of you who like to brag about how many times you can make a girl come, TRUTH ALERT: most girls fake it!!! They tell me.

5. You say women lie about their situations. And men don’t lie? I have met enough losers and liars to last me a lifetime. I’ve become a human lie detector test. Let’s see…I’ve been lied to about the number of kids you have – and EVEN THE NUMBER OF LIMBS YOU HAVE!!!  Restraining orders, arrests, living in your parent’s basement – I have met many a liar in your gender pool.  It’s not just women who lie.

6. You say you want an independent woman. Well I am as independent as they come and when that’s placed in your lap, you don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been told by guys I am a “lion”, I am “too independent”, and I am “too aggressive.” Why? Because I tell you how it is, because I’m not going to chase you, because I actually have a life and don’t depend on you.

I could go on and on, but I’m saving that for the book I am going to write one day about all these crazy experiences. In the meantime, good luck to you all and good riddance to the crazy world of online dating!