Dating Drama: Single is Still the Only Option

I recently read a great blog about how dating is like finding your missing puzzle piece.  Among the many points she makes is “there is no drama.”  Yes, no drama.  This should not be impossible.  But why does it continue to be?

Let me say start off by saying, “Yes, I know many woman are full of drama!”  But men are too!  For me, dating has been nothing BUT drama.  And NOT brought on by my part.  Dating for me has only produced a stream of constant disappointment, headaches, disrespect, and a complete lack of consideration for my time.  This is only a snapshot in a typical week of a single woman.

  1. Sexual harassment is rampant. I previously blogged about a guy I dubbed “The Masturbator” after I heard him jerking off during a phone conversation.  Well, he came back out of the blue with nothing short of filth.  This is just a snapshot and doesn’t even express the complete disrespect and lewdness of his text messages.  I finally blocked him.  (NOTE: his message about “taking one for the team” was referring to the previous incident where I caught him masturbating on the phone).

masturbator

  1. There is no consideration for your time. As a single mother with a professional job, I have a busy schedule.  So I greatly value the free time I do have.  But then there are times that I make time outside of the typical “every other weekend” by getting a babysitter if someone excites me enough to make the effort and pay the $50 for a night out.  Knowing the juggling it takes to free up time on a random Wednesday night, for example, I am not a happy camper when I get blown off an hour before I’m supposed to meet someone.  Recently, in one week alone, I was blown off three separate times in the span of seven days.  This one was particularly disappointing because we had already been out a couple times, and he made the plans.  We had just confirmed that morning, and then I got this two hours before we were supposed to meet.  It’s frustrating.

blow off

  1. You get drama without asking for it. A friend’s ex messaged me on a dating site.  He didn’t realize who I was, but I knew him right away because my friend had dated him for a couple of years.  I sent her a text message just saying you’ll never guess who messaged me and told her.  What was meant to be a “ha ha” moment where the guy says, “Wow, what a small world?” turned into his being mean, rude and classless.  I did not respond, but let my friend handle it instead.

bill match

 It seems so easy for some to find the missing piece to their puzzle.  But for me, my missing piece is buried within one of those 10,000 piece puzzle sets.  It’s frustrating because I am not a complicated person nor do I lead a complicated life.  And as settling will never be an option, I guess single is the only other one available.

The ABCs of Dating: A Satire

After being single for over four years, I decided to take a long hard look at dating and finally realized I am doing it all wrong.  Thus, I have come up with “The ABCs of Dating” – a guide that every woman should follow.  So if you are like me, wondering how some people just seem to fall into a new relationship before they are even out of the last one when you struggle to find a halfway decent guy to actually take you out on a Saturday night, just note you are doing it all wrong.

Here are the ABCs of dating in the 21st century.  It should serve as the Bible for single women around the world looking to land a long-term relationship with a wonderful man.

A is for Always Fuck on the First Date.  C’mon, you KNOW he will still call you the next day.   It is ONLY sex.  It doesn’t mean anything to us.  Oh, and don’t even make him put in an effort and buy you dinner.  A couple of $2 draft beers later and you should be ready to give it up in the backseat of his car.

B is for Blow Job.  In case you have your period and can’t fuck him on the first date, be prepared to give him a blow job.  I completely ruined my chances with a Prince Charming a few months ago by refusing to do so.  He said if nothing was going to happen or he wasn’t going to get a blow job, I could bring him back to his car.  So I brought him back to his car.  STUPID ME!  Undoubtedly, I should have performed my best oral for him.  I know he would have called me the next day, and we could have gone on a second date.

C is for Clueless.  Do NOT have a brain.  Be completely fucking dumb, in fact.  You did NOT go to grad school, you are NOT a professional at a multi-billion dollar company, you do NOT watch the news, you do NOT have an opinion on the mid-term elections.  You are to be nothing less than clueless.  Talk about shoes and how you wish you had enough money to hire someone to clean your house so you don’t have to ruin your manicure.

D is for Disappearing.  Yes, be prepared for him to disappear on you multiple times, and then reappear when he is bored or looking to get laid.  Perhaps you had plans last weekend which were abruptly cancelled due to <insert lame ass excuse here>.  Or more likely, he just stopped texting you because a better piece of ass came along.  He is ALLOWED to disappear at will, and YOU are obligated to be at his beck and call when he texts you out of the blue a month later.

E is for Effort.  Men are absolutely NEVER required to put in an effort.  You should be happy if he even texts you back.  And shit, if he actually OFFERS a couple hours of his time to meet you, don’t anticipate any actual thought be put into impressing you.  Forget flowers, sweetheart.  This isn’t 1962 anymore.  If you get the 2 for $20 special at Applebee’s, you ought to be falling head over heels in love already for the amazing show of effort.  The last girl only got a cup of coffee.

F is for Free.  He is FREE to treat you with complete disrespect, and it is your obligation to make sure you are always FREE for him.  He doesn’t have to call or text you.  He doesn’t have to make time for you.  He is free to come in and out of your life as he sees fit.  You are NOT busy.  It is only the man who is overloaded with prior commitments.  You have no job, no kids to cart around, no friends.  You have NO LIFE – HE is the ONLY ones with a life.  Your only obligation is to sit and wait for him to offer HIS precious time to YOU.  And it may just be for a late night booty call.  But remember, YOU HAVE NO LIFE!  So if he offers you a one hour opportunity on a Wednesday at midnight to come over, take it.  Even better, just leave your kids home alone in bed and drive to his house.  Make it as easy as possible for the man to spend time with you.

G is for Grateful.  Always be grateful for whatever crumbs a man is willing to throw at you.  Remember, you are just one of about 8 – 10 other girls they are communicating with.  And despite the effort most of us put in when meeting a guy for the first time, if you even so much as expect him to say, “Wow, you look great,” you must be smoking crack.  Remember be GRATEFUL you were the “chosen one” he selected to open up two hours in his insanely busy calendar to meet.

H is for Handsome.  Make sure you tell him how handsome he is even if you are taller than him despite the fact he listed himself as 5’ 10” and is distinctly lacking the same amount of hair in person than in his posted pictures.  Laugh at all his jokes.  He is so funny even George Carlin can’t hold a candle next to him in the comedy department.  Ask him lots of questions about himself, but never ever expect him to care about your life, your career, or your hobbies.  Only HE matters.

I is for Ignore.  You are to completely ignore all red flags and the fact that many of the stories he tells you do not add up.  Ignore it when he says his ex-wife and last three girlfriends were crazy.  Ladies, you have to know by now WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE CRAZY.  Guys are not crazy and DO NO WRONG.  We are all crazy for HAVING EXPECTATIONS.  Therefore, you must not ask any questions and just take their word as gospel.

J is for Jilted.  Be prepared to get jilted at all times.  Remember, we have no life.  We live for them.  So when he tells you, “Maybe we can do something on Friday night,” be sure to make no plans, and if you have kids like me, make sure you line a babysitter up JUST IN CASE he texts you at 6 on Friday to say he can meet you for a quick drink. How lucky are you?  You get to spend an hour getting ready and pay $40 for a babysitter so you can meet him for a half hour.  You hit the fucking jackpot!  It is likely you will get jilted, though.  But remember, you must have NO EXPECTATIONS at any time for him to even stick to a simple plan.

K is for Kiss His Ass.  He doesn’t text you back.  No problem.  He didn’t call you the last three times he said he would.  Geez, have you ever known someone who is SO BUSY or goes to bed at 8:00 every night? He still hasn’t offered to meet you despite the fact that you have made yourself available several times.  NO PROBLEM.  When he is ready to give you a half hour, he will tell you.  And it is your obligation to overlook the last two times he blew you off and drop everything you are doing to be free for him.  You must always kiss his ass.

L is for Less.  This one is very simple.  You give more, they give less.  Repeat that a thousand times until you remember it.

M is for Magnificent.  Everything he does is magnificent and mind blowing.  Just accept everything you have accomplished or have to manage on a daily basis pales in comparison to the level of achievement and responsibility he holds.  You are only magnificent when he is horny and wants to dump a quick one.  It is amazing how interested he is then.

The ABCs of Dating, Part 2 coming soon…

Online Dating Diaries: When the Douche Comes Back

I have a very good friend who has been living the online dating dream with me the last few months.  She’s starting to become an expert at this in her own right, but every once in a while, I am still able to offer her a new insight.  “You were so right,” she’ll say.  I love hearing those words.

One recent insight I gave her was about a guy she had been on a date with where everything was great, including the chemistry.  Then the guy stopped texting her.  She was confused, but based on everything she had told me, I said, “Don’t worry, he will come back.”  And soon enough, he came back.  You know, the standard “Sorry I’ve been out of touch, just been SO busy.”

I told her to also expect the occasional random number to text her out of the blue.  You know, the guy you deleted from your phone three months ago who randomly texts you, “Hey, how’s it going?” and you’re saying to yourself, “Who the fuck is this?”  Well, that happened to her too.

It’s one of the truths about online dating I have come to realize:  many guys will come back.  Out of the blue, at random times, when you least expect it.  In fantasy land, a woman wants to believe that the guy is reconnecting because he is actually interested in her after all.  Maybe he went on a few dates with some not so great girls and said to himself, “That girl from a couple months ago was actually pretty cool.  Maybe I’ll see what she’s up to.”  It can happen, but don’t hold your breath.

REALITY CHECK:  They are coming back because they are bored and there are no other available options, or more likely, they are looking to get laid.  By pretending to actually CARE how you are doing, they hope you won’t be able to read through their disingenuous attempt at casual conversation.

So imagine my surprise when my douche of the century appeared out of nowhere after TWO MONTHS.   On the Hot Douche Scale, this guy was a solid 9.5.  It was probably safe to assume he’d fall into the Run Like Hell category, but in my dream world, I held out hope that he’d at least make it to the Dating Zone.

I connected with him instantly in one conversation prior to our date.  He said he had taken six months off from dating after getting out of a bad relationship.  I totally respected that as many people on the dating scene take NO TIME in between relationships for themselves to heal in a healthy way.  In fact, one recent date told me he had just ended a 5 year relationship three weeks prior.  He was a super awesome guy, and I gave him some parting advice, “Do yourself a favor and go have some fun.”

Now back to the douche.  This guy was an A+ in my book going in.  And when we met, the chemistry was instant.  Dinner was great, conversation was great.  We decided to take a walk along the river after dinner.  I had it in my head that I was totally going to make out with this guy.  I was even bold and said to him, “You know I’m totally making out with you.”  His hands were trying to go in places that were off limits which I quickly pushed away each time.  I can’t blame a guy for trying.  But within less than ten minutes, the mood changed in a mere instant when he said, “Can I get a blow job?”  My exact response, “Fuck no!”

This guy gets totally pissed and the conversation goes exactly like this:

Guy:  What you’re doing isn’t fair.  What you’re doing is actually worse than if you slept with a guy on the first date.

Me: Since when can’t you just make out and have fun.  I didn’t know that getting you off was a requirement.

Then he spewed the words that will be etched in my brain for eternity.  “If nothing is going to happen between us, then you can just bring me back to my car.”

So that was it.  Over, finished, done, finito, caput, done.  He went from an A+ to an F in less than three seconds.  My fantasy man turned complete cock sucker drove off, and I closed the chapter on that one.

Well, not really because HE CAME BACK.  He is THE LAST MAN I thought would ever reach out again.  He was long deleted from my phone when I got the infamous, “Hi, how are you?”  The actual conversation is below.

date comes back

 

Now to answer the ever confusing question:  Why do they come back?  You know why he came back.  I flat out asked him what he wanted.  He offered to bring a bottle of wine to my house, and we could “relax and watch a movie.”  TRUE STORY!!!  I obviously declined and he obviously tried to say he was just kidding.  But I have not heard from him again.

So the next time you get a random text from a phone number you don’t recognize, do not be fooled into thinking they really care how you are.  You are just one of many other random girls who received the same spam.  He is just looking to get laid – and you’re a fool if you give him the satisfaction.

Top Ten Lines to Guarantee No Second Date

It is always hard to do the letdown after a first date.  I’ve had to do it on a few occasions, and I have had it done to me.  Most men will just not respond if they’re not interested (which drives a woman NUTS, by the way.  Grow some balls and just let her down easy).  But if you know instantly you just don’t like her when you meet and want to have a little fun with her, here is a list of top ten statements I have pulled from my personal dating diaries that you can use to guarantee there will never be a second date.

TOP TEN LINES TO GUARANTEE NO SECOND DATE

10. I knew I shouldn’t have gone on any dates while I was trying to quit smoking because I am very irritated for no reason.

9.  Why would you order that steak if you weren’t going to eat the whole thing?  You can’t waste that.  I’ll bring it home for my dog.

8.  The last girl I met brought me to a house party which turned out to be a swinger party.  Hold on, let me show you some of the pictures.

7.  If I could put a hit out on my ex-wife and not get caught, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.

6.  You have really nice toes.  Can I suck them later?

5.  Have you ever tried judo?  There is this great move where you put your foot in my groin and flip me over.  The pressure from your foot actually feels really good.

4.  I’m sorry to be rude, but that’s my ex-girlfriend who keeps calling and she’s not going to stop unless I get it.

3. Don’t worry, those aren’t track marks on my arm.

2. If we are just going to make out and nothing is going to happen, you can just bring me back to my car.

And the number one line to guarantee no second date…

1. My ex-wife had the best pussy.

 

 

Best Male Online Dating Profile: The Men Speak

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to represent the single guys out there so I am posting excerpts from one of the best male online dating profiles I have seen to date.   The short story behind it is I actually went on a date with this guy around Halloween time last year.  We recently reconnected, and I mentioned how I had started blogging about the crazy world of dating today.  I mentioned my blog on the best dating profile I had ever put up, and he said he did something similar.  So with his permission, I am reposting parts of his recent profile (with my commentary, of course).  Here is an excerpt:

The Top Ten Things I Dislike

  1. Group pictures. If you need to constantly surround yourself with a group of friends for security.  Never mind, it’s just confusing.

Commentary: I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting pictures with a group of friends, as long as you have pictures of just you alone so someone can tell who you are in the group picture.  But I do understand this as I will just pass by a profile that has multiple people in every picture.  I don’t have time to try to figure out which one you are, but more than likely, you are the ugly one.

  1. Kids pictures.  I’m sure your kids are great, and I love kids.  But it’s exploitive.

Commentary:  I disagree here.  I’ve put pictures with my kids.  It is my way of telling someone, “This is who I am.  I come with two kids, so if you don’t like kids, I’m not interested.”  For me, it’s also my way of saying to a potential date that I am a mother, and I expect the same level of respect as you would give to your own mother.

  1. Duck faces.  If you’re posing with the duck face, you are probably not old enough to play Saved by the Bell or 90210 trivia with me.

Commentary:  What is it with women and the duck face pictures?  You don’t look sexy, you look stupid.

  1. Pictures with other guys in it.   I will assume your date is chaperoned.

Commentary:  It depends on the situation. I don’t think this is a big deal, unless every picture is in a bar with her holding a beer in her hand and there are five guys surrounding her.  That speaks to a man, “I am a drunk barfly and love attention.”

  1. Pictures in your bathing suit.  I like a little mystery.  I have a daughter and I wouldn’t want her exploiting her body this way.

Commentary:  I totally agree.  The women who post sexy pictures on a dating site are the same women who complain when guys talk dirty or say suggestive things to them.  If you don’t want to be disrespected, cover up!

  1. Pictures with no smile.  I had a date once with a girl who didn’t smile in a single picture.  We were a lot alike, except my dental plan allowed me to keep all my teeth.

Commentary: I totally agree.  Teeth are very important.  I think it is the first thing most people look at and says a lot about how someone takes care of themselves.  But from the women’s perspective, I hate it when guys wear baseball hats in every picture to disguise the fact they are losing their hair.  If you are going bald or are bald, don’t hide it.  Some women love bald.  But don’t list yourself as having brown hair when you literally have a SINGLE hair.

  1. People who point out spelling mistakes.  I am fully capable of distinguishing between their, they’re and there, and two, too, and to in a sentence, but don’t care if you are.  Different people are good at different things.

Commentary:  I disagree.  Yes, we all make errors.  Or that darn spell check incorrectly corrects you.  However, I am big on proper grammar as I think it speaks volumes about a person and their intelligence.  A mistake here and there can be overlooked, but consistently misspelling words or using big words out of context to look smart is a huge turnoff.

  1. Pill heads and alcoholics.  Bottom line, you can’t be trusted.

Commentary: Self-explanatory.

  1. Stuck up people.  I’d rather hang around with the po than the stuck up.  Money doesn’t equal class.

Commentary: Self-explanatory once again.  However, this can be tricky because as a woman, I didn’t work hard and get to where I am to let some poor ass leach off me.  I once went on a date with a guy who bragged about his half million dollar house, jet ski, boat, his daughter’s $10,000 private school tuition, and picked me up in his $50,000 truck – then let me pay for dinner.  Or the one and only degenerate I dated seriously in the last four years who would brag about buying himself $700 fishing boots and then conveniently forget his debit card when we went out (unless the IRS seized his bank account again).  You get the point though.

  1. Chain restaurants.  I think they are for the unenlightened and are killing the independent restaurant industry.  The only exception is taking your kids to one because talking animals are awesome.

Commentary:  I totally love this one.

So in honor of all you awesome single dads out there, Happy Father’s Day – and may you all find true love one day.

Dating Diaries: Kung Fu Master

I was having lunch with a long-time friend and his teenage son yesterday.  He was telling his son about my adventures in dating and said, “You have to tell him the story about the Kung Fu guy.  That was my favorite story ever.”  I completely forgot about Kung Fu guy, but when I tell the story, you’ll wonder how COULD you forget.

The Kung Fu Master, oh yes.  He was one of the very first guys I ever talked to when I started dating.  He was 34, no kids and owned a painting company.  He was quite handsome and seemed just like the average guy you picture drinking a few beers and yelling at the TV when a bad call is made on a Sunday football game.

I got a bad taste in my mouth right away.  The first time we talked on the phone, I learned he grew up in the area and we had several mutual people in common.  He knew a few girls that I hung around with in junior high and high school, and at the mention of their names, he said, “Oh, so you were part of the bitch crowd.”  Um, okay.

Then I mentioned a guy who I was close with from playing sports as a kid.  In fact, I played Pop Warner football with him and his dad was our coach.  He was my first childhood crush.  Wrong name to mention because this guy became angry and said how this guy bullied him throughout high school and if he ever saw him today, he’d “knock his teeth down his throat” for all the torture he caused him growing up.  Okay, so this is apparently not going well.

Now to the best part…

He wants to take me out, and while I am hesitant after our phone conversation, I give him a chance and ask him what he has in mind.  He asked me if I ever tried judo.  I said no.  He seems surprised that I never tried it, and he suggested we do it on our first date.  I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having that kind of close physical contact with someone I didn’t know.  But he insisted, “You’ll love it.”

So then he proceeds to tell me (GET READY FOR THIS) that the best part of judo was this certain move that would involve me putting my foot into his groin and flipping him over.  He went into this whole thing about how the pressure feels great.  Oh my, it’s like one of those moments you never forget.  I remember where I was when the Challenger blew up, or when 9/11 happened, or when Saddam was captured.  And now I had Kung Fu guy to add to that list.

I remember EXACTLY where I was and who I was with.  I remember saying aloud, “Put my foot in your groin?  Are you some kind of sick fuck?”  My friend and I had our boys and were heading to the Lego store with them at that very moment.  I remember her looking at me and she said, “Hang the phone up now.”  She didn’t even know who I was talking to or any details about this guy.  She had only been listening to bits of my conversation with him and was completely dumbfounded.  I was in so much shock I didn’t know what to do so I just hung up on him in mid-sentence.

He kept trying to call me back.  I would not answer.  Then the text bombing started.  Then he left me a two minute voice mail. This guy was NOT going to go away so I decided I’d give him a polite response.  In his voice mail, he insisted how he was being dead serious and not trying to be kinky.  So I graciously responded, “Perhaps I mistook what you were saying not being familiar with judo, but I just don’t think this is going to work out.  Good luck.”

He still would NOT go away.  I finally had to block him online and on my phone.

So yes, that is my experience with the Kung Fu Master.  He definitely deserves the honor of Top Freak.

The First Cardinal Rule of Dating for Women

There are many rules of dating, but there is one cardinal rule for women.  The supreme, almighty, foremost rule of all.  The rule you must never break if you want to be taken seriously.  My unscientific poll of random guys I know confirms it.  NEVER EVER sleep with him on the first date.

My survey was taken among men, ages 30 to 45.  I wanted to make sure I covered the entire spectrum.  Here are the responses ladies, straight from the mouth of man.

Man 1:  Super hot 30 year old professional (my new fake boyfriend, BTW)

“A little dating advice: NEVER sleep with a guy on the first date.  If a girl sleeps with me on the first date, all I think of is how many other guys she has slept with on the first date.”

Man 2: 34 year old business owner

“At least five dates if you want real respect.  If you sleep with them on the first date, expect it to be nothing more than a sexual relationship.  But you have to bait a little as some guys are impatient.”

Man 3: 40 year old IT technician

“I think at my age, it doesn’t really matter how many dates as long as there is a connection.  But definitely NOT the first.”

Man 4:  45 year old sales exec

“Three dates minimum, maybe four.  If you go out on four dates and she doesn’t put out, yet you still want to see her, you know it’s real interest in her and not just her vagina.”

There you go.  Yet, so many women break this cardinal rule, and then get pissed off when the guy bails, and they don’t get asked out on a second date.  Or as Man 2 says, it just becomes a sexual relationship.  If you are ready to just accept a casual sexual relationship, then all the power to you.  Some women can do it without regret.  Call me a prude, but I just don’t have it in me to do it.  The bottom line is women are emotional creatures, and for the majority of us, there has to be a mental connection to truly have an awesome physical connection.

The bottom line for me these days: Men use love to get sex.  Women use sex to get love.  I use coupons to get pizza.

coupons pizza