Dating Drama: Single is Still the Only Option

I recently read a great blog about how dating is like finding your missing puzzle piece.  Among the many points she makes is “there is no drama.”  Yes, no drama.  This should not be impossible.  But why does it continue to be?

Let me say start off by saying, “Yes, I know many woman are full of drama!”  But men are too!  For me, dating has been nothing BUT drama.  And NOT brought on by my part.  Dating for me has only produced a stream of constant disappointment, headaches, disrespect, and a complete lack of consideration for my time.  This is only a snapshot in a typical week of a single woman.

  1. Sexual harassment is rampant. I previously blogged about a guy I dubbed “The Masturbator” after I heard him jerking off during a phone conversation.  Well, he came back out of the blue with nothing short of filth.  This is just a snapshot and doesn’t even express the complete disrespect and lewdness of his text messages.  I finally blocked him.  (NOTE: his message about “taking one for the team” was referring to the previous incident where I caught him masturbating on the phone).

masturbator

  1. There is no consideration for your time. As a single mother with a professional job, I have a busy schedule.  So I greatly value the free time I do have.  But then there are times that I make time outside of the typical “every other weekend” by getting a babysitter if someone excites me enough to make the effort and pay the $50 for a night out.  Knowing the juggling it takes to free up time on a random Wednesday night, for example, I am not a happy camper when I get blown off an hour before I’m supposed to meet someone.  Recently, in one week alone, I was blown off three separate times in the span of seven days.  This one was particularly disappointing because we had already been out a couple times, and he made the plans.  We had just confirmed that morning, and then I got this two hours before we were supposed to meet.  It’s frustrating.

blow off

  1. You get drama without asking for it. A friend’s ex messaged me on a dating site.  He didn’t realize who I was, but I knew him right away because my friend had dated him for a couple of years.  I sent her a text message just saying you’ll never guess who messaged me and told her.  What was meant to be a “ha ha” moment where the guy says, “Wow, what a small world?” turned into his being mean, rude and classless.  I did not respond, but let my friend handle it instead.

bill match

 It seems so easy for some to find the missing piece to their puzzle.  But for me, my missing piece is buried within one of those 10,000 piece puzzle sets.  It’s frustrating because I am not a complicated person nor do I lead a complicated life.  And as settling will never be an option, I guess single is the only other one available.

Single Crazy Women: How to NOT Deal with Rejection

One thing I am very particular about when dating is to ensure I am never classified as crazy.  Why would a woman lower herself to acting desperate when there are literally hundreds of other guys where he came from?  If he doesn’t like you, fuck it.  It’s his loss.  Nobody likes rejection, and I am no different.  Most of us are mature, and we pick up and move on.  But then there is the case of “Single Women Go Crazy” – when women take rejection to an extreme.

I got a text from a male friend yesterday who was devastated after finding out a girl he had dated a few months back went online and posted his name, pictures, and profile name from an online dating site on a number of “I dated that douche” type websites. The woman had completely attacked him, even so far as saying to bring Viagra because he can’t get it up.  Seriously, how old are we?  That’s like the guy in high school spreading rumors about a girl smelling like fish.

My friend found out because a girl he was talking to had Googled his name and discovered the post (sorry buddy, this is classic).  A couple of other women who he talked to or dated at some point must have found it as well because these women just had a complete bitch fest about him.  My first reaction to him after reading all the posts, “jesus Christ, who did you piss off?”

His gripe was mainly that he has a somewhat public position in his community, but more importantly, he was concerned with his kids seeing it if they ever looked him up online.  For me, the kid thing personally got me.  I couldn’t IMAGINE, and that’s what hit home with me.

To understand, this guy didn’t cheat or do something horrendous.  Some of the remarks (and my commentary) are below:

“He appears to be great until he gets what he wants.”

Commentary:  How is this different from any other guy out there?  I believe it is an innate trait in the male psyche to do this. 

“Every single conversation, he talks about himself and tells you a boring 20 minutes story.”

Commentary: Many people do this – men and women.  Maybe he’s hung up on himself, or maybe he’s just nervous.  If you think he’s a dick, don’t go out with him again.  But don’t post he’s crazy on a half dozen websites because that just makes YOU look crazy.

“He made plans with me six times, and then made up an excuse each time why he couldn’t make it.”

Commentary:  Well, that’s your stupidity!!  It took you SIX times to figure out he wasn’t interested in you.

“He just went on and on about how attractive I was and talked about the future, but never asked me anything about me.”

Commentary:  He is trying to make sure you understand how great he is so you’ll give it up easy.  Hello!! What guy DOESN’T go on and on about how different he is and how he wants a relationship and he’s looking for more than just sex.  Any intelligent woman knows this is your cue to know he is looking for exactly the OPPOSITE of those things.  Duh!!

“He will be totally attentive for a month or so.  Good morning, good night.  He doesn’t miss a beat.  Then when he gets what he wants, he will stop talking to you cold turkey and refuse to answer your calls.”

Commentary:  Um, yeah, this is called BEING A MAN.  Every guy lays it on thick until he either gets what he wants or realizes he isn’t going to get what he wants.  If every woman who gets dumped after a guy has sex with her posted on these sites, EVERY SINGLE MAN IN AMERICA would have his picture on there.

Rejection is not an easy thing.  But it’s no wonder all women get a reputation for being crazy – because of stupidity like this.  I expect teenagers to cause this type of idiotic drama, not grown women in their 30s and 40s who got rejected.  I talk to guys all the time who waste my time for weeks and then disappear or blow me off at the last minute.  You just chalk it up to the nature of the game.  It’s frustrating as hell, but I’m not going to obsess about it and go post his name in a very public forum and bash him.  That just tells people YOU are crazy, not him.  But more importantly, it is just giving another example and more ammunition to the next guy I meet who believes all women are psychotic, and it makes my job harder to prove a cool girl can exist who isn’t going to show up at his house boiling a white bunny in a pot.

fatalattraction

(NOTE: THIS BLOG IS BEING PUBLISHED WITH HIS PERMISSION).

Surviving a Narcissist: Three Months Later

To honor three months of NO CONTACT, I had the opportunity to do what most survivors of a narcissist have probably not done.  I celebrated with one of the women he cheated on me with a year ago.  We went to the same place to see the same band he took her to the very night I caught him.  How is THAT for irony?

Even after that cheating incident, I got caught back up in his whirlwind of lies.  He would insult her to me and made up lies about her.  I ultimately contacted her directly to ask questions, and she denied his vicious lies.  And as much as I continued to want to love this man, I NEVER doubted HER for one second.  I knew she was the only one that was going to tell me the truth.  For he had no history of being able to tell me the truth, and even continued to lie to me even when I presented him with undeniable proof.  She had no reason to lie.

It has been a slow process, but I am regaining my power and my sense of self.   In fact, a woman who I admire dearly stopped me today on the way out of work and said to me, “You seem truly happy” noting that for the last year, as she put it, I was there and smiling, but “not really there.”  Empty, hollow, indifferent, robotic, unfeeling.  THAT is what I had become after almost 18 months of being abused, lied to, cheated on, and manipulated by a narcissist.  I had completely shut down.  That is how you have to be.  It is the only way to cope, the only way to survive.  You simply fail to exist anymore.

This is why this past weekend was such a significant milestone for me.  Nothing good rarely ever comes out of such an experience.  But I was blessed to meet a wonderful woman who has supported me through this mess and became a great friend in the process.  It’s unfortunate it had to be under the conditions it was, but despite all the “crazy ex” drama he tried to throw on her about me, she was that much wiser than most and said, “YOU are the SICK FUCK, not her.”

The first NO CONTACT started in August after one of my closest friends tragically died at 35 leaving behind four children.  His reaction when I told him was so disgusting it is not even worth repeating here.  He shed not a single ounce of sympathy or support for me.  The day after her death, he never even called or texted me to ask how I was doing, and instead WENT ON A DATING SITE.  And if that is not bad enough, he had NO SHAME finally texting me a few days later to ask if I was going to bring him to the Journey concert.  YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

narc 2

With NO CONTACT, they will try anything and everything to get your attention.  He even went so far as to send an email to this same girl he cheated on me with, six months after the original incident, verbally attacking her as he knew it would get back to me.

All said and done, I needed one more dropkick in the face from him and his new narcissistic supply to finally GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD.  Reconnecting with an old high school friend who had just left an abusive relationship, she said to me, “You are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and you need to get out NOW.”  She pointed me to a number of resources and sent me on my way.  I read until my eyes hurt that night.  Then I cried, and read more.  Each website I visited, each article I viewed, each victim’s experience I read – it was if I could have written it myself.  IT FINALLY ALL MADE SENSE.  He was a textbook narcissist sociopath.

But I REFUSE to play the victim card, and sit here and feel sorry for myself.  That is allowing them to have POWER OVER YOU.  I am NOT saying, however, that I still don’t have an occasional weak moment because I do.  This continues to be a struggle, but it gets easier every day.

I am finding ME again – my joy and happiness.  I want to help others, too, who may not be as fortunate as I am to have a solid support system.  I recently applied to be a mentor and volunteer for domestic violence victims.  I’m moving forward, and I can finally say I am starting to feel like myself again.  I’m smiling again – and it’s genuine, not forced.   I haven’t been able to say that in a very long time.

I am no fool though…and the charades still continue.  Two weeks ago, I got a series of vile text messages mocking me from an unknown number (likely Text Now or some other app).  It reeked of the narc.  Here is a brief snapshot of the filth.

narc 1

When He (or She) Cheats – And YOU are Psycho

Have you ever been cheated on?  Whether a high school romance or in a committed marriage, the chances are most of us at some point in our life have been cheated on by someone we loved.   Whatever the reason, it is a painful and devastating experience.  Sometimes it ends well, and couples are able to move on and grow from the mistake.  Other times, it ends bad, and can lead to separation or divorce and a broken family. 

In most normal relationships, cheating occurs due to an unmet need in the relationship.  The old saying, “Men cheat for sex, and women cheat for love” I have found to be very true as I’ve grown older and seen the fallout of many relationships and marriages due to infidelity.  While it’s sad and VERY wrong, I have come to at least try and understand why some people do it.    

When one is with a narcissist or sociopath, cheating (as a sane person might rationalize it) is nothing like you could ever imagine.  Cheating is just something they do because they can.  Narcissism and infidelity are inextricably linked. Narcissists are known to cheat repeatedly, “no matter what the perceived quality of the central relationship in their lives.”  This article describes it perfectly:  It is “such that these individuals cheat repeatedly on their spouses or significant others, usually without understanding that they have done something wrong. The typical narcissist believes he is beyond reprisal and entitled to do as he pleases at all times.”

A cheating narcissist will likely do one of three things:

  1. Deny it and tell you that you’re crazy and imagining things
  2. Threaten you if you expose them to the other woman
  3. Blatantly throw it in your face because they don’t give a shit about you or anyone else (and then threaten you)

I’ve had all three done to me by my ex-narcissist.

I already demonstrated number one in my last blog.  But here is another example.  In the course of one day, you find a diamond earring in his bed, women’s sunglasses on his night stand, and his ex-wife loses her shit on him in front of you saying, “Tell her the truth you asshole” to which she turns to me to apologize saying, “I’m sorry.  I really like you, but what he’s doing to you is not fair.  I am tired of him having so many different women around the kids.”

His explanation:  He has no idea what I’m talking about with the earring.  There was no earring in his bed when he looked and if there was, it was just one of the girls.  The sunglasses are his and he bought them recently (THEY WERE WOMEN’S SUNGLASSES and he even WORE THEM to make me look crazy).  Oh, and his ex-wife is psychotic.  C’mon, I should know better than that by now.  She just wants him back and is jealous that he has moved on so she is trying to start shit with me so I’ll break up with him. 

For number two, it goes something like this.  You spend Friday night together, take the kids out, have dinner and watch movies.  Everything is hunky dory, peachy keen in your world when you leave the next day.  Kissy, kissy, love, love, “Call me when you get home baby.”  But he ignores your call and your text later that day.  Little do you know that in less than twelve hours, you are about to get the surprise of your life.  While out with my best friend, I opened up Facebook and started scrolling through my news feed only to see a picture of his smiling ass face with another woman.  It turns out this woman had several mutual friends with me and obviously had no idea that I existed.  But she would find out when I contacted a mutual friend to blow his cover.  His response to me:  I better stop what I am doing or there will be hell to pay. 

And number three, what I like to call “The Final Discard,” instead of taking you out for your birthday which he was supposed to do, he sends you a picture of himself with his new conquest (AKA narcissistic supply) as your Happy Birthday.  The same woman, who mind you, I was questioning him about for the two weeks previous after receiving a series of Facebook requests and anonymous phone call alluding to the fact he had another woman.  In one of his best responses ever, I asked who she was and he said, “I don’t know.  It’s irrelevant to both of us.  It doesn’t bother me and it shouldn’t bother you.” 

What the hell does that mean?  I’m watching this woman write suggestive things all over your Facebook and you don’t know who she is.  Well he sure did three days later when he sent me a picture of them together to say Happy Birthday.

So goes life with a narcissist.  As a normal person reading this, you will likely say to yourself, “What the hell was this chick smoking?” and probably think I am the dumbest woman on the face of this planet.  But until you have been emotionally abused by a narcissist to the point you are worn down, weak, beaten up mentally, exhausted, anxious, constantly on edge and completely empty inside, it is hard to understand the toll it takes on your rationale and everything you have ever known to be RIGHT in the world.

My Life with a Narcissist: A Real-Life Conversation

Unless you have ever experienced a narcissist – a spouse, partner, parent, sibling, co-worker – it’s hard to understand.  I have never known a narcissist in my life so I could never comprehend the insanity of it until now.  As a follow-up to my previous blog,  Kids Don’t Lie, here is the actual real-life conversation with the narc, complete with gas lighting, blame shifting, and silent treatment.  

narc1

narc2

narc3

narc4

My Life with a Narcissist Chapter 3: Kids Don’t Lie

UPDATE:  The ACTUAL conversation that accompanies this blog can be found here:  http://bit.ly/1dYV6a2.

I am tired of feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I let a narcissistic psychopath – the devil himself – into my life.  This is actually my story. And I am telling it here on out about what happened to ME.  Here is the story of how I – a single mother with two wonderful children, amazing friends and family, a professional career, and a kind, open heart – was destroyed by an emotional vampire.

There is an old saying, “The only people who tell the truth are little kids and drunk people.”  I truly believe that.  His own kids were trying to tell me the truth.

“Do you know my dad has a lot of girlfriends?”

“My dad had a girl over the house.”

“My dad only brushes his teeth when girls come over.”

But when I would confront him, he would tell me I was crazy.  “You are listening to a 9 and 11 year old.  Do you know how crazy you sound?” 

This was just one of at least a hundred times he used the crazy making on me – or the more clinical term of gas lighting.  One of the most common signs of narcissism, gas lighting is a form of emotional abuse where your partner attempts to manipulate your perception of reality. 

Only months into the relationship, I was already second guessing myself every day.  He had instilled insecurity in me from the start.  I have always been a confident woman, and generally had healthy relationships.  I said recently to a friend that I would have sent my ex-husband into a strip club with a fistful of dollars and not thought twice about it.  But just a couple of months into this relationship, I was feeling an incredible sense of insecurity that I had never felt in my life.  THIS WAS NOT ME. 

I started to find myself doing things that I couldn’t imagine ever doing before I was with this man. I was checking his online profile on a daily basis.  He was calling me his girlfriend, but continued to randomly log in to the online dating site where we had met.  I finally got the courage to confront him one day and he said incredulously, “What are you talking about?”  I said, “I know you are still on there.  I looked, and it said you were online.”  He told me his daughter was playing with his phone and must have accidentally hit the app. 

This continued, but he was smart and calculated.  He would wait a week or two before logging in again.  And each time, it was one of his kids, and he always had an explanation.  He downloaded an app for the kids that had a fish on it so they must have accidently hit it.  He was getting his taxes done and his daughter was playing with his phone.  One time, he even called me AT WORK to say that HE accidentally hit it and it logged him in.  He wanted to let me know in case I checked and saw that he had been online because he didn’t want to me to be mad.  I MEAN, HOW CRAZY IS THIS?

All my closest friends, who only three months in already despised this man (RED FLAG LADIES AND GENTS), were even telling me I was crazy.  As my best friend put it (prefaced as always by “You know I hate him”), “You know I hate him and do not want to defend him, but I just can’t believe he would be that brazen to continue going online knowing you look.” 

Welcome to DATING A NARCISSIST 101.  They are that brazen because THEY HAVE NO EMOTION.  They are incapable of having normal feelings, and entirely unable to accept responsibility.  What normal person would troll on an Internet site for women when they are in a relationship with another and when caught – BLAME THEIR DAUGHTER.  A “normal” person who is cheating on a spouse or partner would go to great lengths to hide it.  And if caught, they might deny it at first but ultimately fess up and admit their mistake.  But they certainly wouldn’t blame their children – and then even go so far as to brainwash their 9 year old daughter into believing SHE was hitting on the app and making her TELL me that to my face when she probably had no idea what she was even saying. 

At this point in the relationship, as a NORMAL person, I say to myself, “Maybe he wants to see other people” and so as much as I want to avoid the conversation obviously, I bring it up one night.  I told him perhaps I wasn’t the right person for him because if he cared about me like he said, he wouldn’t want to continue to go online to talk to other woman.  I said, “As much as I care for you, if you want to end it or see other people, I understand.” 

His response:  I am crazy.  He has NOT been online.  What don’t I understand about that?  He has no desire to see or talk to other women.  I am the ONLY girl he is dating.  Then comes one of the most common narcissist defenses, blame shifting.  He said, “Maybe I should be questioning YOU and asking why YOU are still going online.”  So now the blame is on me and I am left defending myself (my profile had been down since the day we started dating). 

He’s got me believing I am crazy, my own friends believe I’m crazy because they are in shock someone could actually DO this.  But I know I am NOT crazy.  So I lay the trap.  Fake profile set, send an email, and wait for him to take the bait.  Within 24 hours, I get my answer.  He takes the bait and responds.  I send him undeniable proof, tell him he is caught and ask him if he’s going to blame his daughters for this one.  He CONTINUES TO DENY IT until I once again point out the proof.  Welcome the narcissist and one of his ever present tools called the silent treatment – “…often done by simply ignoring – a facade of indifference that is known as the “silent treatment” and is, at heart, hostile and aggressive.”  The narcissist says through silent treatment, “I do nothing wrong.  I don’t know what truth is.  I have no shame, no guilt.  I don’t owe you shit.”  

The silent treatment lasts for about three weeks…

Chapter 4 coming soon

Chapter 1: One Woman’s Harrowing Spiral into Darkness

Chapter 2: The Wolf Emerges

My Life with a Narcissist Chapter 2: The Wolf Emerges

Narcissistic relationships are characterized in phase one with the target being showered with excessive attention or compliments – anything to sweep her off her feet and lay in the hook. The narcissist becomes hyper-vigilant and does anything it takes to win her over. She thinks for a moment, and recalls that’s exactly how it was in the beginning. The more she pushed him away, the more relentless his pursuit.

He sized her up from the very beginning. He knew her vulnerabilities. She shared her desires and fears with him. She had everything going for her in life, and the only thing missing was someone to share it with – a family. He learned early to mirror himself to be what she wanted. He made himself to be a great family man with custody of his kids. He was the victim of a devilish woman, a raging addict who chose drugs and sex with strangers in the local bar parking lot over her husband and family. He told her he was abandoned by his father as an infant, and he wanted to be the best dad he could be to his kids. “How could this amazing man still possibly be single?” she asked herself.

She was hooked, and it was time for him to knock her off the pedestal.

The devaluation of her – the second stage – began within a month. The mask of the lamb was slowly starting to vanish and the sharp teeth of the wolf started to bite. It happens as fast as one can flick a light switch. She recalls an early incident. When she told him she was going to her friend’s house one Saturday night to watch a movie, he responded, “Are you going out whoring after?” She was shocked by the comment, not really sure how to respond. Just the night before he was texting her pictures of his fireplace and telling her to come cuddle. The next night she is a whore for going to her friend’s house to watch a movie. When she confronted him later, he denied saying it. “I would never say that to you, and if I did, it was just a joke.”

Slowly, he started to instill doubt in her, making her believe conversations never happened and invalidating her feelings by making her out to be too sensitive. It would only continue to get worse.

She remembers the first time she confronted him on a lie. She was leaving on a business trip and had plans to see him, getting blown off at the last minute so he could spend time with his sister. She was not that stupid, and knew that was a lie from the start. He denied and denied, and then brazenly posted a picture on Facebook of himself out with his friends. When she confronted him on the lie, he continued to deny it. “You posted a damn picture on Facebook,” she screamed. “If you’re going to lie, at least be smart about it.” But he quickly threw it back on her – he went at the last minute, he claimed, and did have plans to watch movies with his sister. Then he tried to make her feel bad for being upset by saying his sister had just battled breast cancer, and he was just trying to spend time with her.

The blame shifting had started. He was projecting his guilt for lying on to her, making her feel like a monster because he wanted to spend time with his sister who almost died of cancer. But he had plans all along with his friends – and had it right on his Facebook page. She baited him further into his lie, “You blatantly lied to my face on Friday about your sister because you knew before then you were going out with your friends.” He paused, and then turned the blame to his ex-wife, saying she would get mad at him for doing anything he enjoyed. He had to hide his fishing poles at his friend’s house and leave work in the middle of the day if he wanted to fish for a couple of hours without getting in trouble. “I guess I got scared you would be mad if I went out with my friends because I wasn’t allowed to when I was married.”

Always an answer for everything, and never are they at fault. The lies are someone else’s fault, maybe even your fault – or so goes the life of a narcissist.

Her mind, her sanity, her reality – the destruction of it all was just getting started. He had only thrown a hand grenade. She was about to get a bomb.