Good Riddance to Online Dating: Best Profile Ever

This was my online dating profile about two years ago.  I found it tonight while backing up some old files.  I forgot I had saved it, probably because I knew I’d have a good laugh one day.  I must say, this is probably considered nice compared to what my profile might say today.  I never received so many emails in my life – most were from people thanking me for making them laugh.  But I also got my fair share of hate mail as well.  This helped me grow my block list to over 400.  Enjoy!

July 2012 – Dating profile

CAUTION: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE ZONE OF BLUNT TRUTH. So before you proceed, make sure you buckle up and don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. And before you start threatening me or calling me the “c” word or “b” word, as some of you that have read my profile already have, I will report you.

I read profiles every day of men who seem to have their “truth” about women.  Well, let me tell you the truth about men. Still waiting for one to prove me wrong.

1. You claim to be the “real deal” and how fun and exciting you are to be around.  Your life is so full of adventure, and you brag about this amazing life you have, your hobbies, and all the places you have traveled.  Well I haven’t met anyone yet that actually likes to go out and DO SOMETHING FUN. Trying to get any of you to even go to dinner is like pulling teeth. Or you ask to take a woman out then disappear or come up with the lamest excuse at the last minute to cancel. WTF is that about?? Because you have someone else on the back burner who’s a definite score? This is the thing that drives me the most crazy – especially seeing YOU asked ME to go out. Thus, the “one strike” rule. You f*ck up once, you’re out.

2. You say women post pictures that are ten years old when they were a size 6 and then show up weighing 300+ pounds. I purposely posted pictures that are about ten and twenty years old to show you I haven’t changed much. But what about guys? Every guy I have gone on a date with that claims to be 5′ 8″ to 5″10 has lied about their height because I have been taller than every one of you. Or you wear a baseball hat in every picture to disguise the fact that you are losing your hair. And not every women that puts “about average” as their body type is a liar. I truly am about average. I’d put curvy because I actually have tits, hips, and an ass, but “curvy” to a guy translates to “That’s a girl’s nice way of admitting she is an obese pig.”  Yes, if you’re looking for a girl who is a size 2 and a carpenter’s dream, that’s not me, but not all of us lie about our body type.

3. You say you want your “last kiss” or to meet your “princess” – but really, a majority of you just want to get laid. You think if you take a girl to dinner, this entitles you to a blow job in the backseat of your truck. Or because we’ve talked on the phone for a few weeks, I “know you” enough to want to come to your house for a “movie night and cuddling.”  Do I look like I was born yesterday?

4. Women don’t care how big your muscles are and don’t want to hear that you’re hung like a horse. Most guys that post pictures showing their abs or muscles are either full of themselves or have to distract you from the fact that they’re just plain ugly. We don’t care that you have a big **** because the truth is it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. And for all of you who like to brag about how many times you can make a girl come, TRUTH ALERT: most girls fake it!!! They tell me.

5. You say women lie about their situations. And men don’t lie? I have met enough losers and liars to last me a lifetime. I’ve become a human lie detector test. Let’s see…I’ve been lied to about the number of kids you have – and EVEN THE NUMBER OF LIMBS YOU HAVE!!!  Restraining orders, arrests, living in your parent’s basement – I have met many a liar in your gender pool.  It’s not just women who lie.

6. You say you want an independent woman. Well I am as independent as they come and when that’s placed in your lap, you don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been told by guys I am a “lion”, I am “too independent”, and I am “too aggressive.” Why? Because I tell you how it is, because I’m not going to chase you, because I actually have a life and don’t depend on you.

I could go on and on, but I’m saving that for the book I am going to write one day about all these crazy experiences. In the meantime, good luck to you all and good riddance to the crazy world of online dating!


6 thoughts on “Good Riddance to Online Dating: Best Profile Ever

  1. THIS IS AWESOME!!! You have perfectly captured what I would love to say in my profile. Truer words have not been spoken. I’ve never done this before – but do you mind if I re-blog this? I can’t sum it up better.

  2. I had to do something similar to some of my profiles, a filter to dissuade the unsuitables. I realized that this was necessary on the free dating sites, not the paid-for ones. What I got in return for being as brutally honest as you was being called a “women-hater”. My response rate also died as the “suitables” found my disclaimer unpalatable. I reverted to the previous version which stood as a beacon burning bright as detritus resumed its deluge…

  3. Pingback: Best Male Online Dating Profile: The Men Speak | plentyofdates

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