Dating Drama: Single is Still the Only Option

I recently read a great blog about how dating is like finding your missing puzzle piece.  Among the many points she makes is “there is no drama.”  Yes, no drama.  This should not be impossible.  But why does it continue to be?

Let me say start off by saying, “Yes, I know many woman are full of drama!”  But men are too!  For me, dating has been nothing BUT drama.  And NOT brought on by my part.  Dating for me has only produced a stream of constant disappointment, headaches, disrespect, and a complete lack of consideration for my time.  This is only a snapshot in a typical week of a single woman.

1. Sexual harassment is rampant. I previously blogged about a guy I dubbed “The Masturbator” after I heard him jerking off during a phone conversation.  Well, he came back out of the blue with nothing short of filth.  This is just a snapshot and doesn’t even express the complete disrespect and lewdness of his text messages.  I finally blocked him.  (NOTE: his message about “taking one for the team” was referring to the previous incident where I caught him masturbating on the phone).

2. There is no consideration for your time. As a single mother with a professional job, I have a busy schedule.  So I greatly value the free time I do have.  But then there are times that I make time outside of the typical “every other weekend” by getting a babysitter if someone excites me enough to make the effort and pay the $50 for a night out.  Knowing the juggling it takes to free up time on a random Wednesday night, for example, I am not a happy camper when I get blown off an hour before I’m supposed to meet someone.  Recently, in one week alone, I was blown off three separate times in the span of seven days.  This one was particularly disappointing because we had already been out a couple times, and he made the plans.  We had just confirmed that morning, and then I got this two hours before we were supposed to meet.  It’s frustrating.

3. You get drama without asking for it. A friend’s ex messaged me on a dating site.  He didn’t realize who I was, but I knew him right away because my friend had dated him for a couple of years.  I sent her a text message just saying you’ll never guess who messaged me and told her.  What was meant to be a “ha ha” moment where the guy says, “Wow, what a small world?” turned into his being mean, rude and classless.  I did not respond, but let my friend handle it instead.

 It seems so easy for some to find the missing piece to their puzzle.  But for me, my missing piece is buried within one of those 10,000 piece puzzle sets.  It’s frustrating because I am not a complicated person nor do I lead a complicated life.  And as settling will never be an option, I guess single is the only other one available.

Top 5 Ways Single Men are Like Santa Claus

As the holidays approach, I am still trying to get in to the spirit. I have my two little boys who provide me with some Christmas magic, but I also realize this is Christmas No. 5 that I am single and alone.  Nobody to think of me, nobody to enjoy holiday activities with, nobody to cuddle with by the fire as the snow blankets the ground.  Sounds depressing, but after five years, I’m used to it.  I planned in advance this year, however.  My best single girlfriends and I are all playing that “special someone” for each other and exchanging gifts.

But all this holiday stuff got me thinking about Santa and the joy of Christmas when I was a little girl – and what Christmas is for me today.  The more I thought about it, I realized that single men are a lot like Santa in many ways.  To all you single ladies out there who have been dating for a long time and learned anything about it, after reading this list, you will not be able to disagree.

Here is my top five list of ways single men are like Santa Claus (we’ll refer to Single Guy here as “Joe”):

They are only good for one day and then disappear. Do you even have enough fingers and toes to count the number of guys you have connected with who just suddenly disappear – for absolutely no reason?  You had a great connection with Joe, everything seemed right.  He kissed you, and even went so far as to start planning that second date.  Joe made you have visions of sugar plums dancing in your head.  Then, POOF. Joe just disappears!  Another Houdini come and gone.  Just as fast as Santa dropped his presents and left, Joe literally stops talking to you.  But like Santa, Joe will come back.  Usually sooner than Santa, perhaps in a couple of months.  However, it is possible that Joe may come back in a year wielding that oh so familiar text, “Hey, how have you been?  I’ve been thinking about you.”

You are not the only one on their list.  Just like Santa has millions of little kids to make happy, Joe has several lists to fulfill himself.  He doesn’t know where to begin he has so many to choose from.  Even if Joe likes you, liking just YOU is not enough for him.  He needs to explore a handful of options, and then another handful.  Because despite telling you how wonderful you are in every way, YOU are STILL not good enough. I had a recent date with an amazing guy.  It was there in every way.  According to him, we had a “unique connection”, he felt “comfortable” with me, and even texted me from his subsequent dates to tell me they sucked and he should have went out with me instead.

While discussing the possibility of getting together for a second date, he disappeared (like Santa).  So I texted him a few days later and asked if I had a disease or something, and he responded by sharing with me the others on his list (YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP).

They say “ho ho ho.” Santa has such a jolly “ho ho ho” – and Joe says it too.  It just has a different meaning.  I watch my male friends as they swipe through Tinder.  With each swipe to the right, they say aloud, “I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her.”  With every email and every swipe, Joe is not evaluating you as a potential girlfriend.  Joe is thinking, “Ho, ho, ho. I’m horny.”

You have to keep making up reasons why they are real, and it gets harder and harder to give an answer. My boys are starting to ask me tough questions about Santa’s existence, and it’s slowly getting more difficult to make up reasons why he is real.  I feel the same way about Joe.  I’ve met more Joes in the last five years that have turned into NOTHING despite being led to believe otherwise (see number 2 above).  My sons ask me questions such as, “Mama, how can Santa be at our school and the mall at the same time?”  I ask myself questions like, “How did Joe go from making me believe we had a connection to texting me his ho, ho, ho list?”  I keep making up reasons Santa – and Joe – are real, but frankly, I am running out of answers.

The magical fairy tale exists as a child, but then you grow up and find out he wasn’t real after all. As little girls, we dream of meeting a magical man, having a fairy tale wedding, and living happily ever after.  Very much how we dreamed of Santa leaving us our favorite doll under the Christmas tree.  But then you grow up and realize all the hopeful excitement and magical dreams were nothing more than lies to sell toys and cards and books and movies.  Because just like Santa, a real Joe simply fails to exist.

So I asked Santa to bring me a Joe – oh wait!  Forget it.  Merry Christmas!

Online Dating Diaries: The Masturbator

What started out as a normal conversation with a guy I met on Tinder recently suddenly turned into heavy breathing.  I asked him why he sounded weird, and then I said, “Oh my God, are you masturbating?”  He giggled and denied it, but then he said he just heard his son get up and hung up abruptly.  What the f*ck?  Who was this guy?  I had to know.   So I put my investigative skills into motion (I am THE BEST), and I found him.  There he was – BIG CORPORATE EXECUTIVE!

So I laughed my way to bed that night as I scratched my head saying, “Well that was a first.”  Of course, I fully expected to never hear from The Masturbator again, but sure as hell the next day, he texted me. WHY ME?  He has been relentless, and I am convinced he is a creep and pervert.  And I swear he is dying to send me a cock shot.

I have called him a creep and a weirdo and a pervert.  He is CRAZY, although he has tried to convince me he is normal because he hasn’t sent me a cock shot yet.  I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times he has asked me out and I have ignored him.

But finally, I have decided to meet BIG CORPORATE EXECUTIVE this weekend.  Why I have no idea.  But I am completely intrigued for no logical reason whatsoever.

5 Reasons to be Thankful for Being Single

It’s a beautiful thing to arrive at a place where you are happy to be single.  In a conversation with one of my best single girlfriends recently, we were discussing dating in general and she commented how she hated being single.  I disagreed.  While I don’t necessarily want single to be a permanent state, I have achieved a level of independence and emotional freedom that I will definitely have a difficult time giving up – if the time ever comes.  Even as I shoveled the driveway and pushed the big trash bins to the curb today, I thought how good it would be to have a man to do those things, but then I remembered the many reasons I am thankful for being single.

So in honor of the holiday tradition, here are the top five reasons single women should be thankful:

No snoring.  This was a text I got from a friend a few nights ago.  Damn, I do not miss having to listen to that nasty gagging sound from the person sleeping next to me.  However, it is always great to be able to give them a good hard kick so they roll over and give you some peace and quiet – even if just for a few minutes.  But it’s only a matter of time before they start snoring again.

No sharing the bed. While a man’s warm body is great as a defroster for your cold feet, it is not a good enough reason to have to share the bed.  I can lay vertical, horizontal, upside down, kick, flail, covers on, covers off.  It’s the greatest thing.  Or if I want to fall asleep on the couch, I don’t have some annoying voice questioning why I didn’t come to bed last night (because I couldn’t stand the sound of your snoring anymore!). But the best part, you don’t have anyone trying to grab you and rub their morning wood against your back in an attempt to wake you from your peaceful sleep to please them.

Grooming.  Men don’t realize how much effort it takes for a woman to groom herself.  We are supposed to always be soft, smell good, never sweat, and have no hair except on top of our head.  To my married and semi-married friends who let the hair on their legs grow two inches long in the winter and say their husband/boyfriend doesn’t care, I always say, “Trust me, they do.”  Being single, I don’t have to care.  If I don’t want to shave or wax any part of my body for two months, I don’t have to.  If I want to sit in my sweatpants and not shower all weekend, I can do so.  I can look like shit at will and not have to care.

Emotional freedom. Does he like me or not?  Why hasn’t he texted or called me in three days?  What did he mean by that?  Why hasn’t he asked me out again?  Those questions are just dating headaches.  When you’re married or in a relationship, those headaches become even tougher because you have greater expectations.  This is what I mean by emotional freedom.  You don’t have to sit and dwell on what the other person said, what they meant by it, or why they haven’t done something.  You have nobody to argue with, nobody to please, nobody to disrespect you and/or your time.  I only have myself to yell at for leaving dirty dishes in the sink or five pairs of shoes at the door.  It’s the greatest freedom in the world.

Independence. This is by far the most invaluable reason to be thankful for being single.  Especially when I hear a non-single friend say they have to check to see if it’s okay if they go out.  SCREW THAT!  I have become so use to doing what I want, when I want and with whom I want that the thought of having to get another person’s “approval” to go out with my friends seems so unrealistic to me.  Single may end up being a permanent state after all.

So for these reasons, and many more, I am thankful for being single.  Happy Thanksgiving!

The ABCs of Dating: A Satire

After being single for over four years, I decided to take a long hard look at dating and finally realized I am doing it all wrong.  Thus, I have come up with “The ABCs of Dating” – a guide that every woman should follow.  So if you are like me, wondering how some people just seem to fall into a new relationship before they are even out of the last one when you struggle to find a halfway decent guy to actually take you out on a Saturday night, just note you are doing it all wrong.

Here are the ABCs of dating in the 21^st century.  It should serve as the Bible for single women around the world looking to land a long-term relationship with a wonderful man.

A is for Always Fuck on the First Date.  C’mon, you KNOW he will still call you the next day.   It is ONLY sex.  It doesn’t mean anything to us.  Oh, and don’t even make him put in an effort and buy you dinner.  A couple of $2 draft beers later and you should be ready to give it up in the backseat of his car.

B is for Blow Job.  In case you have your period and can’t fuck him on the first date, be prepared to give him a blow job.  I completely ruined my chances with a Prince Charming a few months ago by refusing to do so.  He said if nothing was going to happen or he wasn’t going to get a blow job, I could bring him back to his car.  So I brought him back to his car.  STUPID ME!  Undoubtedly, I should have performed my best oral for him.  I know he would have called me the next day, and we could have gone on a second date.

C is for Clueless.  Do NOT have a brain.  Be completely fucking dumb, in fact.  You did NOT go to grad school, you are NOT a professional at a multi-billion dollar company, you do NOT watch the news, you do NOT have an opinion on the mid-term elections.  You are to be nothing less than clueless.  Talk about shoes and how you wish you had enough money to hire someone to clean your house so you don’t have to ruin your manicure.

D is for Disappearing.  Yes, be prepared for him to disappear on you multiple times, and then reappear when he is bored or looking to get laid.  Perhaps you had plans last weekend which were abruptly cancelled due to <insert lame ass excuse here>.  Or more likely, he just stopped texting you because a better piece of ass came along.  He is ALLOWED to disappear at will, and YOU are obligated to be at his beck and call when he texts you out of the blue a month later.

E is for Effort.  Men are absolutely NEVER required to put in an effort.  You should be happy if he even texts you back.  And shit, if he actually OFFERS a couple hours of his time to meet you, don’t anticipate any actual thought be put into impressing you.  Forget flowers, sweetheart.  This isn’t 1962 anymore.  If you get the 2 for $20 special at Applebee’s, you ought to be falling head over heels in love already for the amazing show of effort.  The last girl only got a cup of coffee.

F is for Free.  He is FREE to treat you with complete disrespect, and it is your obligation to make sure you are always FREE for him.  He doesn’t have to call or text you.  He doesn’t have to make time for you.  He is free to come in and out of your life as he sees fit.  You are NOT busy.  It is only the man who is overloaded with prior commitments.  You have no job, no kids to cart around, no friends.  You have NO LIFE – HE is the ONLY ones with a life.  Your only obligation is to sit and wait for him to offer HIS precious time to YOU.  And it may just be for a late night booty call.  But remember, YOU HAVE NO LIFE!  So if he offers you a one hour opportunity on a Wednesday at midnight to come over, take it.  Even better, just leave your kids home alone in bed and drive to his house.  Make it as easy as possible for the man to spend time with you.

G is for Grateful.  Always be grateful for whatever crumbs a man is willing to throw at you.  Remember, you are just one of about 8 – 10 other girls they are communicating with.  And despite the effort most of us put in when meeting a guy for the first time, if you even so much as expect him to say, “Wow, you look great,” you must be smoking crack.  Remember be GRATEFUL you were the “chosen one” he selected to open up two hours in his insanely busy calendar to meet.

H is for Handsome.  Make sure you tell him how handsome he is even if you are taller than him despite the fact he listed himself as 5’ 10” and is distinctly lacking the same amount of hair in person than in his posted pictures.  Laugh at all his jokes.  He is so funny even George Carlin can’t hold a candle next to him in the comedy department.  Ask him lots of questions about himself, but never ever expect him to care about your life, your career, or your hobbies.  Only HE matters.

I is for Ignore.  You are to completely ignore all red flags and the fact that many of the stories he tells you do not add up.  Ignore it when he says his ex-wife and last three girlfriends were crazy.  Ladies, you have to know by now WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE CRAZY.  Guys are not crazy and DO NO WRONG.  We are all crazy for HAVING EXPECTATIONS.  Therefore, you must not ask any questions and just take their word as gospel.

J is for Jilted.  Be prepared to get jilted at all times.  Remember, we have no life.  We live for them.  So when he tells you, “Maybe we can do something on Friday night,” be sure to make no plans, and if you have kids like me, make sure you line a babysitter up JUST IN CASE he texts you at 6 on Friday to say he can meet you for a quick drink. How lucky are you?  You get to spend an hour getting ready and pay $40 for a babysitter so you can meet him for a half hour.  You hit the fucking jackpot!  It is likely you will get jilted, though.  But remember, you must have NO EXPECTATIONS at any time for him to even stick to a simple plan.

K is for Kiss His Ass.  He doesn’t text you back.  No problem.  He didn’t call you the last three times he said he would.  Geez, have you ever known someone who is SO BUSY or goes to bed at 8:00 every night? He still hasn’t offered to meet you despite the fact that you have made yourself available several times.  NO PROBLEM.  When he is ready to give you a half hour, he will tell you.  And it is your obligation to overlook the last two times he blew you off and drop everything you are doing to be free for him.  You must always kiss his ass.

L is for Less.  This one is very simple.  You give more, they give less.  Repeat that a thousand times until you remember it.

M is for Magnificent.  Everything he does is magnificent and mind blowing.  Just accept everything you have accomplished or have to manage on a daily basis pales in comparison to the level of achievement and responsibility he holds.  You are only magnificent when he is horny and wants to dump a quick one.  It is amazing how interested he is then.

The ABCs of Dating, Part 2 coming soon…

Dating Life of a Thirty Something

Do you want an inside glimpse at a dating diary of a thirty something?  Someone shared her diary with me – and asked me to blog about it.

Occasionally, I get a private message from people I know – women and men – who are single and read my blog asking me to write about their experiences.  Recently, I got a message from a random acquaintance stating that every time she reads my blog, it is a reminder to her as to why she is still single.  Her exact words were, “I always think maybe it’s me, maybe I am doing something wrong.  But I know it’s not me.  It’s just impossible to find a decent guy who you are compatible with and who is looking for more than just sex.”

Boy do I know what she means.  I’ve been called a serial dater in the past.  I’ve analyzed my own dating experiences over and over again.  How do some people just seem to fall into relationships after barely just getting out of one?  I’ve been trying for four years, and I can count on one hand the number of guys that have turned into a second date – never mind beyond.

Some friends tell me I am too picky.  Others have said I’m going for the wrong type of guy.  That’s definitely not the problem – I’ve tried more fucking flavors than a Baskin-Robbins.  From plumbers and electricians to bank executives, and even a doctor or two.  From early 30s to late 40s.  Married and never been married.  Kids, no kids.  Five miles away to 50 miles away.  I’ve taken my chances on every popular dating site, even the ones I’ve had to pay for.  I’ve met people through mutual friends.

I even still talk to some guys I’ve been out with where the chemistry may not have been there, but we were both mature about it and randomly say hello.  And they are good guys so the fact that we still communicate on occasion tells me I must be somewhat decent and normal.

So here is the low-down on this woman who shared her dating diary with me.  I know her mostly through mutual friends, and have even hung out with her a few times.  Early 30s, attractive, college educated, and totally down to earth.

So here is her dating diary over the last six months, with notes included.  Out of 20, she only went to a second date with three, and never to a third date.  

1. Brian, 33, Real Estate Agent — Crazy, didn’t understand social cues, truly thought he was going to kill me.
2. Joe, 34, Financial analyst – Very nice, no real chemistry (contacted me months later apologizing saying that he wasn’t really ready to date when we met)
3. Dan, 35, Banker – Really awkward, took 2 hours to drink a single beer, ate like a bird, loved musicals and The Golden Girls.
4. Brian, 32, Golf Pro – Nice, cute, boring
5. Noah, 34 (Occupation escapes me), Awkward, 30 min late for our date, put down exactly half of the check when it came. Reached out to me again 6 months later.
6. Jon, 34, Tech Support Manager – Shorter than advertised, closed minded (extremely liberal and said he didn’t like anyone who didn’t share his beliefs), spit when he spoke
7. Ali, 36, Police Officer – Aggressive, sweet talker, stopped talking to me after I wouldn’t sleep with him on the 2^nd
8. Peter, 32, Security Guard – Strange, lived at home with parents, obsessed with chick flicks and Disney movies.
9. Billy, 32, Chauffer – Really sweet, thoughtful, no ambition, unsettled
10. Jeff, 32, Bike Mechanic – Funny, sweet, honest, no chemistry
11. Eric, 27, Government – Cute, funny, sweet, no real chemistry
12. Patrick, 31, Teacher – Fun, lots of chemistry, disappeared
13. Lee, 34, Accountant – Awkward, boring, criticized me almost immediately
14. Joel, 37, (occupation escapes me) – Looked nothing like his pictures, walked with a limp
15. Michael, 32, Carpenter – Irish cutie, sweet, smart, disappeared
16. Jim, 32, Car Salesman – ambitious, smart, humble, lots of chemistry, disappeared
17. Dan, 37, Software engineer – Cute, fun. Went on two dates and had a great time. Told me I was too nice.
18. Nate, 32, Car Salesman (former baseball player) – Better in pictures, not a ton in common
19. Sandy, 34, Robotics Engineer – Nice, polite, no chemistry
20. Jack, 33, Sales Exec – Stood me up, five minutes before we were supposed to meet, he texted me something came up.

Is this not crazy?  I mean, think about it.  That’s about a date a week.  And this woman does not have children which makes her dating pool and flexibility even that much more than mine.  Out of 20 men she actually met in person, and not including the dozens she likely talked to who disappeared, and she can’t find chemistry with one.

I swear, the next person I hear say, “It will happen when you least expect it” will be choked.   Or for the married people I know who often tell me they “live vicariously through me” – does this look fun?

As this woman states, “There is nothing more I want than to find a great guy.”  I hear you, friend.  But as for how many of them are out there and not already taken, the odds are very bleak.  You might as well accept your fate like I have and get used to BOB being your only boyfriend.

Has Online Dating Become Prostitution?

They say prostitution is the oldest profession in the world.  But I think prostitutes might have to reinvent their business model due to some stiff competition from dating sites.

I’ve blogged previously about dating sites and apps mostly being hookup heavens for guys just looking to dump a quick load. This is the TRUTH people.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s a free site or app like Tinder and POF, or a paid site like Match.com and eHarmony, there is no shortage of women ready to have sex with any guy who gives them a little attention.

But here’s the thing:  most women on these sites are nothing more than prostitutes. And I’m not talking degenerates.  I’m talking your school teachers, engineers, and the single girl who sits next to you in the office.  Actually, they are worse than prostitutes because at least hookers get paid.

No wonder why it is impossible to find any guy capable of serious dating.  Why would they want to settle for sex with just one woman when there are hundreds more right at their fingertips?  With a simple swipe, any reasonably attractive guy can have 50 matches in a matter of minutes.  And with little effort, there is a 100% chance that if they are bored and horny on a Friday or Saturday night, at least ten of those 50 women will “meet for a drink” – and more.

I am not making assumptions here.  I know from firsthand experience as well as insight from several male friends.  Let’s just use Tinder as an example because that is the most well-known dating app for hookups.  Besides the plethora of married men and swingers out there, 90% of men that I have matched with and actually started conversations with come right out and say they just want to fuck.  Well let me rephrase that.  They actually say, “I’m just out of a relationship so I’m not looking for anything serious” which is essentially code for I just want a free ride.

And no, I am not a prude!!  I think among my own gender pool, you are killing it for us!  Just like men, women are also entitled to have a one-night stand or a wild romp with a hot stranger they met online or at the local bar.  And women should be allowed to do it without being judged.  BUT NOT ALL THE TIME!

For those of you who have been humped and dumped more than three times in the last year and sit there saying guys suck and scratch your head wondering why they never call you again.  I have only one question: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Where has self-respect gone?  Last I checked, most marriages and long-term relationships did not begin with a one-night stand.

I appreciate when a guy is just candid with me and states his intentions upfront.  However, every once in a while, you run across the random douche bag who either has absolutely no game or has had so many “play dates” that he thinks every woman is a hooker.

One particular guy I talked to a while ago had it coming to him when he met me.  A normal conversation ensues and then I asked him what he was looking for to which he responded, “I’d love to meet a cool girl to hang with and see where it goes.”  Ok, that’s a perfect response.  But the next text to come blows my mind, “We should meet up.  Maybe you can come to my house and we can watch a movie and talk more.”

I am thoroughly aggravated as I can’t believe this guy is for real.  Does he REALLY think I’m that stupid?  So I decided I was just going to have some fun with him.

Ok, I seriously can’t believe this guy.  “I don’t think I ever said anything about that.”  Is it April Fool’s Day?  C’mon dude.  So I called one of my guy friends and asked him to give me a witty response so he told me to tell the guy I wanted to watch a porn movie.  I said, even better yet, male porn.  So I give a complete asshole response thinking the guy is going to just block me at this point, but he actually responds!

I am convinced that one of the biggest problems with finding a man who is willing to settle down is because many single women today lack standards.  The general female population has lowered their expectations.  Guys will try to go there after one or maybe two dates.  But we have the right to a two-letter word, “No!”  Most babies learn it by the time they turn one.  Let’s all learn it and repeat it to ourselves over and over.  Any guy who is serious will respect your boundaries and still call you the next day.  If he doesn’t, you will know your answer.  You simply were nothing more to him than a warm hole for the night.

As for the guys out there, you are definitely not off the hook either.  I hope you do recognize that the last girl who banged you in the first three hours of knowing you – there were probably five others that have been there in the last month.  She really wasn’t a challenge, and I pray she is blowing up your phone calling you an asshole.

My final response to the tool bag before I blocked him.

Online Dating Diaries: When the Douche Comes Back

I have a very good friend who has been living the online dating dream with me the last few months.  She’s starting to become an expert at this in her own right, but every once in a while, I am still able to offer her a new insight.  “You were so right,” she’ll say.  I love hearing those words.

One recent insight I gave her was about a guy she had been on a date with where everything was great, including the chemistry.  Then the guy stopped texting her.  She was confused, but based on everything she had told me, I said, “Don’t worry, he will come back.”  And soon enough, he came back.  You know, the standard “Sorry I’ve been out of touch, just been SO busy.”

I told her to also expect the occasional random number to text her out of the blue.  You know, the guy you deleted from your phone three months ago who randomly texts you, “Hey, how’s it going?” and you’re saying to yourself, “Who the fuck is this?”  Well, that happened to her too.

It’s one of the truths about online dating I have come to realize:  many guys will come back.  Out of the blue, at random times, when you least expect it.  In fantasy land, a woman wants to believe that the guy is reconnecting because he is actually interested in her after all.  Maybe he went on a few dates with some not so great girls and said to himself, “That girl from a couple months ago was actually pretty cool.  Maybe I’ll see what she’s up to.”  It can happen, but don’t hold your breath.

REALITY CHECK:  They are coming back because they are bored and there are no other available options, or more likely, they are looking to get laid.  By pretending to actually CARE how you are doing, they hope you won’t be able to read through their disingenuous attempt at casual conversation.

So imagine my surprise when my douche of the century appeared out of nowhere after TWO MONTHS.   On the Hot Douche Scale, this guy was a solid 9.5.  It was probably safe to assume he’d fall into the Run Like Hell category, but in my dream world, I held out hope that he’d at least make it to the Dating Zone.

I connected with him instantly in one conversation prior to our date.  He said he had taken six months off from dating after getting out of a bad relationship.  I totally respected that as many people on the dating scene take NO TIME in between relationships for themselves to heal in a healthy way.  In fact, one recent date told me he had just ended a 5 year relationship three weeks prior.  He was a super awesome guy, and I gave him some parting advice, “Do yourself a favor and go have some fun.”

Now back to the douche.  This guy was an A+ in my book going in.  And when we met, the chemistry was instant.  Dinner was great, conversation was great.  We decided to take a walk along the river after dinner.  I had it in my head that I was totally going to make out with this guy.  I was even bold and said to him, “You know I’m totally making out with you.”  His hands were trying to go in places that were off limits which I quickly pushed away each time.  I can’t blame a guy for trying.  But within less than ten minutes, the mood changed in a mere instant when he said, “Can I get a blow job?”  My exact response, “Fuck no!”

This guy gets totally pissed and the conversation goes exactly like this:

Guy:  What you’re doing isn’t fair.  What you’re doing is actually worse than if you slept with a guy on the first date.

Me: Since when can’t you just make out and have fun.  I didn’t know that getting you off was a requirement.

Then he spewed the words that will be etched in my brain for eternity.  “If nothing is going to happen between us, then you can just bring me back to my car.”

So that was it.  Over, finished, done, finito, caput, done.  He went from an A+ to an F in less than three seconds.  My fantasy man turned complete cock sucker drove off, and I closed the chapter on that one.

Well, not really because HE CAME BACK.  He is THE LAST MAN I thought would ever reach out again.  He was long deleted from my phone when I got the infamous, “Hi, how are you?”  The actual conversation is below.

 

Now to answer the ever confusing question:  Why do they come back?  You know why he came back.  I flat out asked him what he wanted.  He offered to bring a bottle of wine to my house, and we could “relax and watch a movie.”  TRUE STORY!!!  I obviously declined and he obviously tried to say he was just kidding.  But I have not heard from him again.

So the next time you get a random text from a phone number you don’t recognize, do not be fooled into thinking they really care how you are.  You are just one of many other random girls who received the same spam.  He is just looking to get laid – and you’re a fool if you give him the satisfaction.

The Hot Douche Scale: A Dating Assessment Tool for Women

I watched an insanely funny video last week which showed a man white boarding the “hot crazy” scale of women.  In the video, he describes what to expect depending on where a woman falls on the scale in terms of her attractiveness and craziness.  I laughed so hard because what he states in the video is largely true.  But it also inspired me to create the Hot Douche Scale for men.  Based on his assessment of women on the scale, I created my own evaluation tool for the opposite sex.  I highly recommend all single women use it.

Below is a graphical illustration of the Hot Douche Scale along with a brief description of potential suitors depending on where they fall within the matrix.  At the bottom of the scale lies the traditional measurement of hotness on a scale of one to ten.  And on the side of the scale – the y axis – we measure the level of douche.  As the guy in the video states there is no woman less than a 4 crazy, I am convinced there is no guy less than a 4 douche.  In the middle lies the douche line.

 

Do Not Date Zone.  This is an obvious.  We simply don’t date anyone less than a 5 hot in our personal judgment (Note however, if this were a guy writing this blog, he would likely state any woman within this zone might qualify after a 12 pack and a couple shots of tequila).

Run Like Hell Zone.   This zone is reserved for guys above a 5 hot and above the douche line.  These are your guys who have more pictures of their abs than of their face.  Guys with neck tattoos.  Guys who wear baseball hats to the side.  Guys with nothing but crazy exes.  Guys who say “heyyyyyyyyy.”  Guys who address you as beautiful, princess, sweetie, or some other term of endearment in an initial introduction.  Guys with a profile that runs as long as a college term paper listing their accomplishments and why they are so awesome.  Among this group, you are likely to find a guy who has restraining orders on him from all those crazy exes, has little or nothing to offer, and is mainly seeking to hump and dump you.  As the category states, RUN LIKE HELL.

Free Meal Zone.  These are guys that are between a 5 and 8 hot and below the douche line.  They are often great guys.  Problems you’re likely to encounter here are they just aren’t as hot in person as they are in their pictures, or they are two weeks out of a long-term relationship and just looking for attention.  These ones you chalk up to what I call “free meals” – great guys where the attraction is simply lacking or your minds and intentions are on two entirely different planes.

Dating Zone.  The Dating Zone is very similar on the Hot Douche Scale as it is on the Hot Crazy Scale.  Guys here are between an 8 and 10 hot, and about a 7 douche.  The guys in this zone offer all the right ingredients and have the potential to move on to the husband zone if they haven’t been too emotionally damaged.  But I think a lot of guys get caught up in the Dating Zone and can never move past it.  They have a series of relationships that typically last six months to three years, but they are not fully capable of entering the Husband Zone for a number of reasons.

Husband Zone.  The Husband Zone is a guy who is between an 8 and 10 hot, and only a 5 to 6 on the douche scale.  He is actually capable of having a healthy, long-term relationship.  You can tell his potential early on if he isn’t trying to get you to sext within five minutes of exchanging phone numbers, will call you even if you do NOT fuck him on the first date, and actually asks you questions and takes an active interest in your life.  I’m almost convinced this zone is reserved only for television and romance novels, but I still hold a faint glimmer of hope that attempt 75 might yield me my dream guy.  I think I’m almost there.

Leprechaun Zone.  This is a guy that is between an 8 and 10 hot and about a 4 douche.  Just like this woman doesn’t exist, neither does this man.  You are more likely to find a leprechaun and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow than a man that meets this criteria.

Gay Zone.  Then finally there is the guy that is above an 8 hot and below a 4 douche.  They are our gay best friends.  They actually know how to treat a woman like a woman and understand how a woman feels, but the problem is they don’t find us attractive (well, in the sense that counts anyway).

Finally, while the inventor of the Hot Crazy Scale states that his matrix is not like a pie chart showing an actual depiction of the number of potential women who fall into each of the categories, I do beg to differ as it pertains to the Hot Douche scale.  The tiny sliver of scale that encompasses the Husband Zone is an actual depiction of how many potential men are capable of giving us lasting love.

And bitches, move over.  I have waited in line long enough.  My train is coming next.

Top Ten Lines to Guarantee No Second Date

It is always hard to do the letdown after a first date.  I’ve had to do it on a few occasions, and I have had it done to me.  Most men will just not respond if they’re not interested (which drives a woman NUTS, by the way.  Grow some balls and just let her down easy).  But if you know instantly you just don’t like her when you meet and want to have a little fun with her, here is a list of top ten statements I have pulled from my personal dating diaries that you can use to guarantee there will never be a second date.

TOP TEN LINES TO GUARANTEE NO SECOND DATE

10. I knew I shouldn’t have gone on any dates while I was trying to quit smoking because I am very irritated for no reason.

9.  Why would you order that steak if you weren’t going to eat the whole thing?  You can’t waste that.  I’ll bring it home for my dog.

8.  The last girl I met brought me to a house party which turned out to be a swinger party.  Hold on, let me show you some of the pictures.

7.  If I could put a hit out on my ex-wife and not get caught, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.

6.  You have really nice toes.  Can I suck them later?

5.  Have you ever tried judo?  There is this great move where you put your foot in my groin and flip me over.  The pressure from your foot actually feels really good.

4.  I’m sorry to be rude, but that’s my ex-girlfriend who keeps calling and she’s not going to stop unless I get it.

3. Don’t worry, those aren’t track marks on my arm.

2. If we are just going to make out and nothing is going to happen, you can just bring me back to my car.

And the number one line to guarantee no second date…

1. My ex-wife had the best pussy.