Dating Drama: Single is Still the Only Option

I recently read a great blog about how dating is like finding your missing puzzle piece.  Among the many points she makes is “there is no drama.”  Yes, no drama.  This should not be impossible.  But why does it continue to be?

Let me say start off by saying, “Yes, I know many woman are full of drama!”  But men are too!  For me, dating has been nothing BUT drama.  And NOT brought on by my part.  Dating for me has only produced a stream of constant disappointment, headaches, disrespect, and a complete lack of consideration for my time.  This is only a snapshot in a typical week of a single woman.

  1. Sexual harassment is rampant. I previously blogged about a guy I dubbed “The Masturbator” after I heard him jerking off during a phone conversation.  Well, he came back out of the blue with nothing short of filth.  This is just a snapshot and doesn’t even express the complete disrespect and lewdness of his text messages.  I finally blocked him.  (NOTE: his message about “taking one for the team” was referring to the previous incident where I caught him masturbating on the phone).

masturbator

  1. There is no consideration for your time. As a single mother with a professional job, I have a busy schedule.  So I greatly value the free time I do have.  But then there are times that I make time outside of the typical “every other weekend” by getting a babysitter if someone excites me enough to make the effort and pay the $50 for a night out.  Knowing the juggling it takes to free up time on a random Wednesday night, for example, I am not a happy camper when I get blown off an hour before I’m supposed to meet someone.  Recently, in one week alone, I was blown off three separate times in the span of seven days.  This one was particularly disappointing because we had already been out a couple times, and he made the plans.  We had just confirmed that morning, and then I got this two hours before we were supposed to meet.  It’s frustrating.

blow off

  1. You get drama without asking for it. A friend’s ex messaged me on a dating site.  He didn’t realize who I was, but I knew him right away because my friend had dated him for a couple of years.  I sent her a text message just saying you’ll never guess who messaged me and told her.  What was meant to be a “ha ha” moment where the guy says, “Wow, what a small world?” turned into his being mean, rude and classless.  I did not respond, but let my friend handle it instead.

bill match

 It seems so easy for some to find the missing piece to their puzzle.  But for me, my missing piece is buried within one of those 10,000 piece puzzle sets.  It’s frustrating because I am not a complicated person nor do I lead a complicated life.  And as settling will never be an option, I guess single is the only other one available.

Top 5 Ways Single Men are Like Santa Claus

As the holidays approach, I am still trying to get in to the spirit. I have my two little boys who provide me with some Christmas magic, but I also realize this is Christmas No. 5 that I am single and alone.  Nobody to think of me, nobody to enjoy holiday activities with, nobody to cuddle with by the fire as the snow blankets the ground.  Sounds depressing, but after five years, I’m used to it.  I planned in advance this year, however.  My best single girlfriends and I are all playing that “special someone” for each other and exchanging gifts.

But all this holiday stuff got me thinking about Santa and the joy of Christmas when I was a little girl – and what Christmas is for me today.  The more I thought about it, I realized that single men are a lot like Santa in many ways.  To all you single ladies out there who have been dating for a long time and learned anything about it, after reading this list, you will not be able to disagree.

Here is my top five list of ways single men are like Santa Claus (we’ll refer to Single Guy here as “Joe”):

They are only good for one day and then disappear. Do you even have enough fingers and toes to count the number of guys you have connected with who just suddenly disappear – for absolutely no reason?  You had a great connection with Joe, everything seemed right.  He kissed you, and even went so far as to start planning that second date.  Joe made you have visions of sugar plums dancing in your head.  Then, POOF. Joe just disappears!  Another Houdini come and gone.  Just as fast as Santa dropped his presents and left, Joe literally stops talking to you.  But like Santa, Joe will come back.  Usually sooner than Santa, perhaps in a couple of months.  However, it is possible that Joe may come back in a year wielding that oh so familiar text, “Hey, how have you been?  I’ve been thinking about you.”

You are not the only one on their list.  Just like Santa has millions of little kids to make happy, Joe has several lists to fulfill himself.  He doesn’t know where to begin he has so many to choose from.  Even if Joe likes you, liking just YOU is not enough for him.  He needs to explore a handful of options, and then another handful.  Because despite telling you how wonderful you are in every way, YOU are STILL not good enough. I had a recent date with an amazing guy.  It was there in every way.  According to him, we had a “unique connection”, he felt “comfortable” with me, and even texted me from his subsequent dates to tell me they sucked and he should have went out with me instead.

santa1

While discussing the possibility of getting together for a second date, he disappeared (like Santa).  So I texted him a few days later and asked if I had a disease or something, and he responded by sharing with me the others on his list (YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP).

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They say “ho ho ho.” Santa has such a jolly “ho ho ho” – and Joe says it too.  It just has a different meaning.  I watch my male friends as they swipe through Tinder.  With each swipe to the right, they say aloud, “I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her.”  With every email and every swipe, Joe is not evaluating you as a potential girlfriend.  Joe is thinking, “Ho, ho, ho. I’m horny.”

You have to keep making up reasons why they are real, and it gets harder and harder to give an answer. My boys are starting to ask me tough questions about Santa’s existence, and it’s slowly getting more difficult to make up reasons why he is real.  I feel the same way about Joe.  I’ve met more Joes in the last five years that have turned into NOTHING despite being led to believe otherwise (see number 2 above).  My sons ask me questions such as, “Mama, how can Santa be at our school and the mall at the same time?”  I ask myself questions like, “How did Joe go from making me believe we had a connection to texting me his ho, ho, ho list?”  I keep making up reasons Santa – and Joe – are real, but frankly, I am running out of answers.

The magical fairy tale exists as a child, but then you grow up and find out he wasn’t real after all. As little girls, we dream of meeting a magical man, having a fairy tale wedding, and living happily ever after.  Very much how we dreamed of Santa leaving us our favorite doll under the Christmas tree.  But then you grow up and realize all the hopeful excitement and magical dreams were nothing more than lies to sell toys and cards and books and movies.  Because just like Santa, a real Joe simply fails to exist.

So I asked Santa to bring me a Joe – oh wait!  Forget it.  Merry Christmas!

santa3

Dating Life of a Thirty Something

Do you want an inside glimpse at a dating diary of a thirty something?  Someone shared her diary with me – and asked me to blog about it.

Occasionally, I get a private message from people I know – women and men – who are single and read my blog asking me to write about their experiences.  Recently, I got a message from a random acquaintance stating that every time she reads my blog, it is a reminder to her as to why she is still single.  Her exact words were, “I always think maybe it’s me, maybe I am doing something wrong.  But I know it’s not me.  It’s just impossible to find a decent guy who you are compatible with and who is looking for more than just sex.”

Boy do I know what she means.  I’ve been called a serial dater in the past.  I’ve analyzed my own dating experiences over and over again.  How do some people just seem to fall into relationships after barely just getting out of one?  I’ve been trying for four years, and I can count on one hand the number of guys that have turned into a second date – never mind beyond.

Some friends tell me I am too picky.  Others have said I’m going for the wrong type of guy.  That’s definitely not the problem – I’ve tried more fucking flavors than a Baskin-Robbins.  From plumbers and electricians to bank executives, and even a doctor or two.  From early 30s to late 40s.  Married and never been married.  Kids, no kids.  Five miles away to 50 miles away.  I’ve taken my chances on every popular dating site, even the ones I’ve had to pay for.  I’ve met people through mutual friends.

I even still talk to some guys I’ve been out with where the chemistry may not have been there, but we were both mature about it and randomly say hello.  And they are good guys so the fact that we still communicate on occasion tells me I must be somewhat decent and normal.

So here is the low-down on this woman who shared her dating diary with me.  I know her mostly through mutual friends, and have even hung out with her a few times.  Early 30s, attractive, college educated, and totally down to earth.

So here is her dating diary over the last six months, with notes included.  Out of 20, she only went to a second date with three, and never to a third date.  

  1. Brian, 33, Real Estate Agent — Crazy, didn’t understand social cues, truly thought he was going to kill me.
  2. Joe, 34, Financial analyst – Very nice, no real chemistry (contacted me months later apologizing saying that he wasn’t really ready to date when we met)
  3. Dan, 35, Banker – Really awkward, took 2 hours to drink a single beer, ate like a bird, loved musicals and The Golden Girls.
  4. Brian, 32, Golf Pro – Nice, cute, boring
  5. Noah, 34 (Occupation escapes me), Awkward, 30 min late for our date, put down exactly half of the check when it came. Reached out to me again 6 months later.
  6. Jon, 34, Tech Support Manager – Shorter than advertised, closed minded (extremely liberal and said he didn’t like anyone who didn’t share his beliefs), spit when he spoke
  7. Ali, 36, Police Officer – Aggressive, sweet talker, stopped talking to me after I wouldn’t sleep with him on the 2nd
  8. Peter, 32, Security Guard – Strange, lived at home with parents, obsessed with chick flicks and Disney movies.
  9. Billy, 32, Chauffer – Really sweet, thoughtful, no ambition, unsettled
  10. Jeff, 32, Bike Mechanic – Funny, sweet, honest, no chemistry
  11. Eric, 27, Government – Cute, funny, sweet, no real chemistry
  12. Patrick, 31, Teacher – Fun, lots of chemistry, disappeared
  13. Lee, 34, Accountant – Awkward, boring, criticized me almost immediately
  14. Joel, 37, (occupation escapes me) – Looked nothing like his pictures, walked with a limp
  15. Michael, 32, Carpenter – Irish cutie, sweet, smart, disappeared
  16. Jim, 32, Car Salesman – ambitious, smart, humble, lots of chemistry, disappeared
  17. Dan, 37, Software engineer – Cute, fun. Went on two dates and had a great time. Told me I was too nice.
  18. Nate, 32, Car Salesman (former baseball player) – Better in pictures, not a ton in common
  19. Sandy, 34, Robotics Engineer – Nice, polite, no chemistry
  20. Jack, 33, Sales Exec – Stood me up, five minutes before we were supposed to meet, he texted me something came up.

Is this not crazy?  I mean, think about it.  That’s about a date a week.  And this woman does not have children which makes her dating pool and flexibility even that much more than mine.  Out of 20 men she actually met in person, and not including the dozens she likely talked to who disappeared, and she can’t find chemistry with one.

I swear, the next person I hear say, “It will happen when you least expect it” will be choked.   Or for the married people I know who often tell me they “live vicariously through me” – does this look fun?

As this woman states, “There is nothing more I want than to find a great guy.”  I hear you, friend.  But as for how many of them are out there and not already taken, the odds are very bleak.  You might as well accept your fate like I have and get used to BOB being your only boyfriend.

Has Online Dating Become Prostitution?

They say prostitution is the oldest profession in the world.  But I think prostitutes might have to reinvent their business model due to some stiff competition from dating sites.

I’ve blogged previously about dating sites and apps mostly being hookup heavens for guys just looking to dump a quick load. This is the TRUTH people.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s a free site or app like Tinder and POF, or a paid site like Match.com and eHarmony, there is no shortage of women ready to have sex with any guy who gives them a little attention.

But here’s the thing:  most women on these sites are nothing more than prostitutes. And I’m not talking degenerates.  I’m talking your school teachers, engineers, and the single girl who sits next to you in the office.  Actually, they are worse than prostitutes because at least hookers get paid.

No wonder why it is impossible to find any guy capable of serious dating.  Why would they want to settle for sex with just one woman when there are hundreds more right at their fingertips?  With a simple swipe, any reasonably attractive guy can have 50 matches in a matter of minutes.  And with little effort, there is a 100% chance that if they are bored and horny on a Friday or Saturday night, at least ten of those 50 women will “meet for a drink” – and more.

I am not making assumptions here.  I know from firsthand experience as well as insight from several male friends.  Let’s just use Tinder as an example because that is the most well-known dating app for hookups.  Besides the plethora of married men and swingers out there, 90% of men that I have matched with and actually started conversations with come right out and say they just want to fuck.  Well let me rephrase that.  They actually say, “I’m just out of a relationship so I’m not looking for anything serious” which is essentially code for I just want a free ride.

And no, I am not a prude!!  I think among my own gender pool, you are killing it for us!  Just like men, women are also entitled to have a one-night stand or a wild romp with a hot stranger they met online or at the local bar.  And women should be allowed to do it without being judged.  BUT NOT ALL THE TIME!

For those of you who have been humped and dumped more than three times in the last year and sit there saying guys suck and scratch your head wondering why they never call you again.  I have only one question: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Where has self-respect gone?  Last I checked, most marriages and long-term relationships did not begin with a one-night stand.

I appreciate when a guy is just candid with me and states his intentions upfront.  However, every once in a while, you run across the random douche bag who either has absolutely no game or has had so many “play dates” that he thinks every woman is a hooker.

One particular guy I talked to a while ago had it coming to him when he met me.  A normal conversation ensues and then I asked him what he was looking for to which he responded, “I’d love to meet a cool girl to hang with and see where it goes.”  Ok, that’s a perfect response.  But the next text to come blows my mind, “We should meet up.  Maybe you can come to my house and we can watch a movie and talk more.”

I am thoroughly aggravated as I can’t believe this guy is for real.  Does he REALLY think I’m that stupid?  So I decided I was just going to have some fun with him.

patrick 1

Ok, I seriously can’t believe this guy.  “I don’t think I ever said anything about that.”  Is it April Fool’s Day?  C’mon dude.  So I called one of my guy friends and asked him to give me a witty response so he told me to tell the guy I wanted to watch a porn movie.  I said, even better yet, male porn.  So I give a complete asshole response thinking the guy is going to just block me at this point, but he actually responds!

patrick 2

I am convinced that one of the biggest problems with finding a man who is willing to settle down is because many single women today lack standards.  The general female population has lowered their expectations.  Guys will try to go there after one or maybe two dates.  But we have the right to a two-letter word, “No!”  Most babies learn it by the time they turn one.  Let’s all learn it and repeat it to ourselves over and over.  Any guy who is serious will respect your boundaries and still call you the next day.  If he doesn’t, you will know your answer.  You simply were nothing more to him than a warm hole for the night.

As for the guys out there, you are definitely not off the hook either.  I hope you do recognize that the last girl who banged you in the first three hours of knowing you – there were probably five others that have been there in the last month.  She really wasn’t a challenge, and I pray she is blowing up your phone calling you an asshole.

My final response to the tool bag before I blocked him.

patrick 3

Top Ten Lines to Guarantee No Second Date

It is always hard to do the letdown after a first date.  I’ve had to do it on a few occasions, and I have had it done to me.  Most men will just not respond if they’re not interested (which drives a woman NUTS, by the way.  Grow some balls and just let her down easy).  But if you know instantly you just don’t like her when you meet and want to have a little fun with her, here is a list of top ten statements I have pulled from my personal dating diaries that you can use to guarantee there will never be a second date.

TOP TEN LINES TO GUARANTEE NO SECOND DATE

10. I knew I shouldn’t have gone on any dates while I was trying to quit smoking because I am very irritated for no reason.

9.  Why would you order that steak if you weren’t going to eat the whole thing?  You can’t waste that.  I’ll bring it home for my dog.

8.  The last girl I met brought me to a house party which turned out to be a swinger party.  Hold on, let me show you some of the pictures.

7.  If I could put a hit out on my ex-wife and not get caught, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.

6.  You have really nice toes.  Can I suck them later?

5.  Have you ever tried judo?  There is this great move where you put your foot in my groin and flip me over.  The pressure from your foot actually feels really good.

4.  I’m sorry to be rude, but that’s my ex-girlfriend who keeps calling and she’s not going to stop unless I get it.

3. Don’t worry, those aren’t track marks on my arm.

2. If we are just going to make out and nothing is going to happen, you can just bring me back to my car.

And the number one line to guarantee no second date…

1. My ex-wife had the best pussy.

 

 

Dating Diaries: Kung Fu Master

I was having lunch with a long-time friend and his teenage son yesterday.  He was telling his son about my adventures in dating and said, “You have to tell him the story about the Kung Fu guy.  That was my favorite story ever.”  I completely forgot about Kung Fu guy, but when I tell the story, you’ll wonder how COULD you forget.

The Kung Fu Master, oh yes.  He was one of the very first guys I ever talked to when I started dating.  He was 34, no kids and owned a painting company.  He was quite handsome and seemed just like the average guy you picture drinking a few beers and yelling at the TV when a bad call is made on a Sunday football game.

I got a bad taste in my mouth right away.  The first time we talked on the phone, I learned he grew up in the area and we had several mutual people in common.  He knew a few girls that I hung around with in junior high and high school, and at the mention of their names, he said, “Oh, so you were part of the bitch crowd.”  Um, okay.

Then I mentioned a guy who I was close with from playing sports as a kid.  In fact, I played Pop Warner football with him and his dad was our coach.  He was my first childhood crush.  Wrong name to mention because this guy became angry and said how this guy bullied him throughout high school and if he ever saw him today, he’d “knock his teeth down his throat” for all the torture he caused him growing up.  Okay, so this is apparently not going well.

Now to the best part…

He wants to take me out, and while I am hesitant after our phone conversation, I give him a chance and ask him what he has in mind.  He asked me if I ever tried judo.  I said no.  He seems surprised that I never tried it, and he suggested we do it on our first date.  I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having that kind of close physical contact with someone I didn’t know.  But he insisted, “You’ll love it.”

So then he proceeds to tell me (GET READY FOR THIS) that the best part of judo was this certain move that would involve me putting my foot into his groin and flipping him over.  He went into this whole thing about how the pressure feels great.  Oh my, it’s like one of those moments you never forget.  I remember where I was when the Challenger blew up, or when 9/11 happened, or when Saddam was captured.  And now I had Kung Fu guy to add to that list.

I remember EXACTLY where I was and who I was with.  I remember saying aloud, “Put my foot in your groin?  Are you some kind of sick fuck?”  My friend and I had our boys and were heading to the Lego store with them at that very moment.  I remember her looking at me and she said, “Hang the phone up now.”  She didn’t even know who I was talking to or any details about this guy.  She had only been listening to bits of my conversation with him and was completely dumbfounded.  I was in so much shock I didn’t know what to do so I just hung up on him in mid-sentence.

He kept trying to call me back.  I would not answer.  Then the text bombing started.  Then he left me a two minute voice mail. This guy was NOT going to go away so I decided I’d give him a polite response.  In his voice mail, he insisted how he was being dead serious and not trying to be kinky.  So I graciously responded, “Perhaps I mistook what you were saying not being familiar with judo, but I just don’t think this is going to work out.  Good luck.”

He still would NOT go away.  I finally had to block him online and on my phone.

So yes, that is my experience with the Kung Fu Master.  He definitely deserves the honor of Top Freak.

Dating Diaries: The Phantom Professional

If there were ever a dating profile that screamed, “I am a big douche bag” with flashing neon lights, this one was it.  It was his sheer cockiness that drew me in.  And it was not the attraction that normally draws you to someone, but rather the pure challenge of being able to knock this guy off his high horse.  He was a professional with a Master’s degree which made it all the more enticing.  Any other day of the week, I would have scoffed at this guy and thought “LOSER” – but I thought at the least I’d have some fun.

It ultimately got to the point of exchanging numbers.  Specifically referring to his profile about how he wants to meet someone as “good looking” as he was, I got bold one day and said, “So when are we going to meet to see who is better looking?”  So he then asked for my phone number.  I told him right up front my impression of him.

phantom 1

I gave this guy shit for days, trying to push his buttons.  One of my friends at work was reading through the conversation and laughing hysterically.  She said, “I love how you are just abusing this guy and he keeps coming back for more.”  He seemed to love it.

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I found out what he did for work, and he had a very respectable job.  I was trying to inadvertently dig for little pieces of information to figure out who he really was.  This is usually VERY EASY for me as my career is centered on protecting people from identity theft scams.  So as far as finding out information, I know how to get it and where to look.  I see the best con artists out there on the Internet every day.  With that said, this guy was tough, and I couldn’t figure out who he was.

Now you must note, I told him what I do for a living, and we even had a whole conversation about it.  So if this guy was real, he would have known that if someone was going to call bullshit on him, it WOULD BE ME.  So as I am essentially defeated at this point and pissed at myself for failing to pinpoint his true identity, I come right out and ask him for his last name.  He gives it to me.

TIME TO CALL BULLSHIT ON YOU LOSER!

I put my highly advanced investigative skills to work and call the bastard right out.  You can’t beat this!!  It actually excites me to go on treasure hunts for information.  So I start the search.  I throw random questions at him, and I ultimately find a guy that fits most of what he has told me, including running for mayor of his town.  I get on Facebook, and this guy is NOT the guy I have been talking to.  Besides looking nothing like him, the real guy is happily married with two teenagers, unlike what the phantom has revealed about his own self.

LOSER PATROL UNLEASHED!

phantom 3

As you probably guessed, I never got a response.  I don’t think I need to even reveal the moral of the story here.  But for all you guys and gals out there who might need it spelled out for you:  DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON PEOPLE!  Some of you reading this are likely either saying I’m smart or I’m crazy.  Call it crazy if you’d like, but as a single mother, I can’t afford to put myself in situations that could put me or my family at risk.  So you are damned sure that I am going to make sure you are who you say you are.