Single Crazy Women: How to NOT Deal with Rejection

One thing I am very particular about when dating is to ensure I am never classified as crazy.  Why would a woman lower herself to acting desperate when there are literally hundreds of other guys where he came from?  If he doesn’t like you, fuck it.  It’s his loss.  Nobody likes rejection, and I am no different.  Most of us are mature, and we pick up and move on.  But then there is the case of “Single Women Go Crazy” – when women take rejection to an extreme.

I got a text from a male friend yesterday who was devastated after finding out a girl he had dated a few months back went online and posted his name, pictures, and profile name from an online dating site on a number of “I dated that douche” type websites. The woman had completely attacked him, even so far as saying to bring Viagra because he can’t get it up.  Seriously, how old are we?  That’s like the guy in high school spreading rumors about a girl smelling like fish.

My friend found out because a girl he was talking to had Googled his name and discovered the post (sorry buddy, this is classic).  A couple of other women who he talked to or dated at some point must have found it as well because these women just had a complete bitch fest about him.  My first reaction to him after reading all the posts, “jesus Christ, who did you piss off?”

His gripe was mainly that he has a somewhat public position in his community, but more importantly, he was concerned with his kids seeing it if they ever looked him up online.  For me, the kid thing personally got me.  I couldn’t IMAGINE, and that’s what hit home with me.

To understand, this guy didn’t cheat or do something horrendous.  Some of the remarks (and my commentary) are below:

“He appears to be great until he gets what he wants.”

Commentary:  How is this different from any other guy out there?  I believe it is an innate trait in the male psyche to do this. 

“Every single conversation, he talks about himself and tells you a boring 20 minutes story.”

Commentary: Many people do this – men and women.  Maybe he’s hung up on himself, or maybe he’s just nervous.  If you think he’s a dick, don’t go out with him again.  But don’t post he’s crazy on a half dozen websites because that just makes YOU look crazy.

“He made plans with me six times, and then made up an excuse each time why he couldn’t make it.”

Commentary:  Well, that’s your stupidity!!  It took you SIX times to figure out he wasn’t interested in you.

“He just went on and on about how attractive I was and talked about the future, but never asked me anything about me.”

Commentary:  He is trying to make sure you understand how great he is so you’ll give it up easy.  Hello!! What guy DOESN’T go on and on about how different he is and how he wants a relationship and he’s looking for more than just sex.  Any intelligent woman knows this is your cue to know he is looking for exactly the OPPOSITE of those things.  Duh!!

“He will be totally attentive for a month or so.  Good morning, good night.  He doesn’t miss a beat.  Then when he gets what he wants, he will stop talking to you cold turkey and refuse to answer your calls.”

Commentary:  Um, yeah, this is called BEING A MAN.  Every guy lays it on thick until he either gets what he wants or realizes he isn’t going to get what he wants.  If every woman who gets dumped after a guy has sex with her posted on these sites, EVERY SINGLE MAN IN AMERICA would have his picture on there.

Rejection is not an easy thing.  But it’s no wonder all women get a reputation for being crazy – because of stupidity like this.  I expect teenagers to cause this type of idiotic drama, not grown women in their 30s and 40s who got rejected.  I talk to guys all the time who waste my time for weeks and then disappear or blow me off at the last minute.  You just chalk it up to the nature of the game.  It’s frustrating as hell, but I’m not going to obsess about it and go post his name in a very public forum and bash him.  That just tells people YOU are crazy, not him.  But more importantly, it is just giving another example and more ammunition to the next guy I meet who believes all women are psychotic, and it makes my job harder to prove a cool girl can exist who isn’t going to show up at his house boiling a white bunny in a pot.

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(NOTE: THIS BLOG IS BEING PUBLISHED WITH HIS PERMISSION).

Surviving a Narcissist: Three Months Later

To honor three months of NO CONTACT, I had the opportunity to do what most survivors of a narcissist have probably not done.  I celebrated with one of the women he cheated on me with a year ago.  We went to the same place to see the same band he took her to the very night I caught him.  How is THAT for irony?

Even after that cheating incident, I got caught back up in his whirlwind of lies.  He would insult her to me and made up lies about her.  I ultimately contacted her directly to ask questions, and she denied his vicious lies.  And as much as I continued to want to love this man, I NEVER doubted HER for one second.  I knew she was the only one that was going to tell me the truth.  For he had no history of being able to tell me the truth, and even continued to lie to me even when I presented him with undeniable proof.  She had no reason to lie.

It has been a slow process, but I am regaining my power and my sense of self.   In fact, a woman who I admire dearly stopped me today on the way out of work and said to me, “You seem truly happy” noting that for the last year, as she put it, I was there and smiling, but “not really there.”  Empty, hollow, indifferent, robotic, unfeeling.  THAT is what I had become after almost 18 months of being abused, lied to, cheated on, and manipulated by a narcissist.  I had completely shut down.  That is how you have to be.  It is the only way to cope, the only way to survive.  You simply fail to exist anymore.

This is why this past weekend was such a significant milestone for me.  Nothing good rarely ever comes out of such an experience.  But I was blessed to meet a wonderful woman who has supported me through this mess and became a great friend in the process.  It’s unfortunate it had to be under the conditions it was, but despite all the “crazy ex” drama he tried to throw on her about me, she was that much wiser than most and said, “YOU are the SICK FUCK, not her.”

The first NO CONTACT started in August after one of my closest friends tragically died at 35 leaving behind four children.  His reaction when I told him was so disgusting it is not even worth repeating here.  He shed not a single ounce of sympathy or support for me.  The day after her death, he never even called or texted me to ask how I was doing, and instead WENT ON A DATING SITE.  And if that is not bad enough, he had NO SHAME finally texting me a few days later to ask if I was going to bring him to the Journey concert.  YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

narc 2

With NO CONTACT, they will try anything and everything to get your attention.  He even went so far as to send an email to this same girl he cheated on me with, six months after the original incident, verbally attacking her as he knew it would get back to me.

All said and done, I needed one more dropkick in the face from him and his new narcissistic supply to finally GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD.  Reconnecting with an old high school friend who had just left an abusive relationship, she said to me, “You are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and you need to get out NOW.”  She pointed me to a number of resources and sent me on my way.  I read until my eyes hurt that night.  Then I cried, and read more.  Each website I visited, each article I viewed, each victim’s experience I read – it was if I could have written it myself.  IT FINALLY ALL MADE SENSE.  He was a textbook narcissist sociopath.

But I REFUSE to play the victim card, and sit here and feel sorry for myself.  That is allowing them to have POWER OVER YOU.  I am NOT saying, however, that I still don’t have an occasional weak moment because I do.  This continues to be a struggle, but it gets easier every day.

I am finding ME again – my joy and happiness.  I want to help others, too, who may not be as fortunate as I am to have a solid support system.  I recently applied to be a mentor and volunteer for domestic violence victims.  I’m moving forward, and I can finally say I am starting to feel like myself again.  I’m smiling again – and it’s genuine, not forced.   I haven’t been able to say that in a very long time.

I am no fool though…and the charades still continue.  Two weeks ago, I got a series of vile text messages mocking me from an unknown number (likely Text Now or some other app).  It reeked of the narc.  Here is a brief snapshot of the filth.

narc 1

The Secret Ingredients to Landing a Guy

Nearly four years of being single, with one malevolent narcissist in between, I found out today the secret ingredients to landing a great guy.  My male friend “D” sent me a stream of text messages earlier in a frenzy after finding out the girl he had been dating for the last few months has been seeing two other guys.  He was hurt and upset and furious, as any of us would be – male or female.  But he was particularly pissed because he had just shelled out money for $300 Bruins tickets that he was hoping to surprise her with.  That was his thanks.

Never screw with a woman scorned, they say.  Well, the same goes for men.  All of a sudden, the truth starts coming out about her.  She lives in a sober house.  “What were you thinking?” I say.  The skeletons just keep coming.  Is he insane?  This is the great girl that has stolen his heart.  He has everything going for him, and this is what he settles with.  He puts it perfectly in a text to me below.

drug1

And then it all clicked and I realized why I am still single.  Besides refusing to degrade myself by engaging in random hookups, I’m not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic and I actually have a job, an education and a car.

On my last date, I got stuffed with the dinner bill.  And when I dated the narcissist, he would remind me that he bought me and my kids an ice cream cone after I just shelled out $100 to take him and his four kids to dinner just days before.

Then he reminds me, as all my other male friends do when I bitch to them, “This is why all of us guys just bang them and move on to the next.”

So let me get this straight.  This homeless, unlicensed recovering addict has not just one, but THREE boyfriends, all fighting over her and buying her jewelry and NHL playoff tickets.  But, I can’t manage to find someone serious enough to go on a single date.

So what are the secret ingredients?  If you want to land a guy, or two or three, consider the following:

  1.        Start snorting, shooting, smoking or swallowing illegal substances.
  2.        Quit your job.
  3.        Get a DUI so you lose your license.
  4.        Spread easier than melted butter on bread.

Time to come up with a new strategy because being normal, decent, and employed makes you “undateable” these days.

Plenty of Fun with POF

Before social media, Facebook and dating sites, we had Tommy Grand and the show Cheaters.  I was a faithful viewer of the white trash TV show and loved to watch the look on the cheater’s face as he or she got caught on national television being a lying, deceptive scum bag.  Today, we have the power of the Internet to do what Tommy Grand did – and we can do it right from the comforts of the couch in our pajamas.

Between my line of work and my online dating experiences, I scare myself sometimes with what I can find online or the clever ideas I use to find out what I want when I can’t find it on the Internet.  I have a good friend who is a director of security at a large retailer and a certified “ethical hacker” who was confident he could find something on my ex-narcissist that I had not been able to.  Well, as he came back with information, I said, “Already knew that one” to which he replied, “You’re pretty good.” 

After my recent blog about the plethora of people who are engaged or married but still have an online dating profile, I got a private message from a friend on Facebook asking me to help her.  She thought a guy who she was dating was going on Plenty of Fish because she thought she saw the app open on his phone one day.  She wasn’t sure, but said he had been “acting different” and becoming distant so she thought he might be seeing other people.  Fake profile time, I told her.  I gave her permission to use my pictures (she lives an airplane ride away so he will never know) and told her to create a profile.  So let’s have some fun with this. 

The profile:  My name is Elizabeth, and I am a 33 year old special education teacher with one child.  I like camping, dancing and roller coasters, and I am “looking to meet someone who will constantly challenge me to be the best person I can be.”  BARF!!

So while my friend is off trying to catch a cheater, I thought I’d have some fun with my fake profile to offer yet another glimpse into the world of online dating.  First, a note to the guys who read this blog:  the competition is tough for you out there.  I am far from a supermodel, but in just 12 hours, my profile got 119 emails, 92 people checked that they wanted to Meet Me (a POF feature similar to the “wink” feature on Match that people use to flirt or let you know they’re interested), and 56 people added me as a Favorite.  This is exactly why I never lasted more than two weeks on POF when I did have a real profile.

POF1

I just checked the inbox last night and started reading profiles of people I will never meet and deleting some of the emails.  For every one I would delete, two more would come in.  The age range of potential dates from what I have looked at so far is HUGE – from 23 to 55 years old.  Obviously the best looking ones grab my attention first.  My plan is to be as silly and flirty as possible and just see where the conversations go. 

GUY TIP 1:  Be more original than just saying “hi”

Seriously, I got 119 emails in 12 hours!  You need to be more original. Write something witty, thoughtful, or fun to grab the girl’s attention.  Every other email I opened just said “hi” so I decided that for every email which only had that one word, I was going to respond with the word “low” to see how a guy would respond.  Here is an example of one conversation (LADIES, THIS GUY WAS SUPER CUTE).

POF2

I’m also having fun by bringing out my flirty side to see what it takes for a conversation to turn bad or inappropriate.  I posted on this topic last week in DEFENSE OF GUYS because sometimes girls ask for it and then complain when all men want is sex so I wanted to test the waters here.  Here is an example of one conversation below (A VERY CUTE ARMY CAPTAIN, LADIES).

POF3

Let me go sift through the POF rubble some more.  I hope to find something interesting to report back again here soon (and hopefully, it’s not a cheating boyfriend).

Are You REALLY Single Like Your Online Profile Claims?

You’re on a dating site, but are you REALLY single?  Do you know how many people that are supposed to be in committed relationships actually have an online dating profile?  A LOT.

I am so disgusted today.  A good friend called me earlier, and she was completely mortified after finding out a guy she had started dating recently was still engaged to the mother of his child.  It made me so angry due to my own personal experience as well as for the thousands of men and women out there who are being had by someone they love and care about and don’t even know it.  What is WRONG with people?

My own personal experience was devastating when the person (I mean emotionally abusive narcissist) that I dated for over a year discarded me like yesterday’s trash without any rhyme or reason.  Just three weeks before the final discard, I had received a gift for Christmas which his young son was so excited to give to me.  He was so proud and told me that he had picked it out all by himself.  Inside was a beautiful card from the narc that read, “Thank you for being such a great person.  I’m so glad we met.  Merry Christmas, Sweetie.  XOXOXO”  Three weeks later, he sent me a picture of him out with his new woman and said, “Happy Birthday.” 

Wait, what happened?  Did I miss something?  No, you didn’t miss anything.  It’s simply just a true story to show how narcissists work.  They “start devaluing the partner while simultaneously idealizing ANOTHER potential partner.”  On New Year’s Eve, I got my “Happy New Year baby xoxo” and ten minutes later, he was on the other woman’s Facebook page commenting on pictures she had posted out with her sister, telling her how “yummy” and “stunning” she was. 

After the birthday incident, I reached out to the woman on Facebook to tell her what was going on, but at this point, it was too late.  She was already completely  enamored with him and had probably already slept with him.  He was probably telling her about me, his “crazy” ex, the whole time he was telling me how much he cared because the response I got from her when I sent her a message saying we were dating and I was just at his house: “You are a psycho.  I will call the cops and get a restraining order on you if you ever contact me again.”  It took something that drastic for me to finally wake up, realize I was dealing with the devil, and claw my way out of the abusive hell I was living. 

Now back to my friend.  She told me today that something about this guy wasn’t sitting right with her so she decided to go on and find his supposed “ex” on Facebook.  The woman had just posted a new profile picture recently and when she looked at the comments, she saw this guy had commented on the picture, “Looking beautiful as always.  I am so grateful that you are all mine.”  It was only TWO DAYS LATER that my friend had gone on her first date with him. 

My friend didn’t know what to do so she asked me if she should contact the woman on Facebook, and WITHOUT HESITATION, I said ABSOLUTELY YES!  So she did just that, and now we await the result.  I said to be prepared for drama, or in my case, I even got threatened to have the cops called on me. 

All I can think of is this poor woman out there who is engaged to this guy and thinks she is living an ideal life while her soon-to-be husband is on Tinder and dating other women.  DISGUSTING!

Girls AND guys:  I am 100% an advocate for stalking a person when something doesn’t seem right.  And I don’t mean stalking in the criminal sense.  I mean stalking in the sense of using Google, Facebook, and any other tools you have at your disposal to ensure someone is who they say they are.  And GOD FORBID you find out someone is in a relationship, or even worse they are engaged or married, PLEASE reach out and tell the person who is being cheated on.  They can choose to do what they want with the information.  BUT IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.  In my case, I got threatened with a restraining order, but I have NO REGRETS.  I just hope the “other woman” in my case is smart enough to run away before she gets sucked into a tornado of lies and deceit and cheating and abuse.