Nearly four years of being single, with one malevolent narcissist in between, I found out today the secret ingredients to landing a great guy. My male friend “D” sent me a stream of text messages earlier in a frenzy after finding out the girl he had been dating for the last few months has been seeing two other guys. He was hurt and upset and furious, as any of us would be – male or female. But he was particularly pissed because he had just shelled out money for $300 Bruins tickets that he was hoping to surprise her with. That was his thanks.
Never screw with a woman scorned, they say. Well, the same goes for men. All of a sudden, the truth starts coming out about her. She lives in a sober house. “What were you thinking?” I say. The skeletons just keep coming. Is he insane? This is the great girl that has stolen his heart. He has everything going for him, and this is what he settles with. He puts it perfectly in a text to me below.
And then it all clicked and I realized why I am still single. Besides refusing to degrade myself by engaging in random hookups, I’m not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic and I actually have a job, an education and a car.
On my last date, I got stuffed with the dinner bill. And when I dated the narcissist, he would remind me that he bought me and my kids an ice cream cone after I just shelled out $100 to take him and his four kids to dinner just days before.
Then he reminds me, as all my other male friends do when I bitch to them, “This is why all of us guys just bang them and move on to the next.”
So let me get this straight. This homeless, unlicensed recovering addict has not just one, but THREE boyfriends, all fighting over her and buying her jewelry and NHL playoff tickets. But, I can’t manage to find someone serious enough to go on a single date.
So what are the secret ingredients? If you want to land a guy, or two or three, consider the following:
- Start snorting, shooting, smoking or swallowing illegal substances.
- Quit your job.
- Get a DUI so you lose your license.
- Spread easier than melted butter on bread.
Time to come up with a new strategy because being normal, decent, and employed makes you “undateable” these days.