The Secret Ingredients to Landing a Guy

Nearly four years of being single, with one malevolent narcissist in between, I found out today the secret ingredients to landing a great guy.  My male friend “D” sent me a stream of text messages earlier in a frenzy after finding out the girl he had been dating for the last few months has been seeing two other guys.  He was hurt and upset and furious, as any of us would be – male or female.  But he was particularly pissed because he had just shelled out money for $300 Bruins tickets that he was hoping to surprise her with.  That was his thanks.

Never screw with a woman scorned, they say.  Well, the same goes for men.  All of a sudden, the truth starts coming out about her.  She lives in a sober house.  “What were you thinking?” I say.  The skeletons just keep coming.  Is he insane?  This is the great girl that has stolen his heart.  He has everything going for him, and this is what he settles with.  He puts it perfectly in a text to me below.


And then it all clicked and I realized why I am still single.  Besides refusing to degrade myself by engaging in random hookups, I’m not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic and I actually have a job, an education and a car.

On my last date, I got stuffed with the dinner bill.  And when I dated the narcissist, he would remind me that he bought me and my kids an ice cream cone after I just shelled out $100 to take him and his four kids to dinner just days before.

Then he reminds me, as all my other male friends do when I bitch to them, “This is why all of us guys just bang them and move on to the next.”

So let me get this straight.  This homeless, unlicensed recovering addict has not just one, but THREE boyfriends, all fighting over her and buying her jewelry and NHL playoff tickets.  But, I can’t manage to find someone serious enough to go on a single date.

So what are the secret ingredients?  If you want to land a guy, or two or three, consider the following:

  1.        Start snorting, shooting, smoking or swallowing illegal substances.
  2.        Quit your job.
  3.        Get a DUI so you lose your license.
  4.        Spread easier than melted butter on bread.

Time to come up with a new strategy because being normal, decent, and employed makes you “undateable” these days.


5 thoughts on “The Secret Ingredients to Landing a Guy

  1. {Commence the slow clap} Lol. I have the same reaction every time I watch Intervention.

    I’ve given up on them; I don’t understand men at all, but I’ve come to realize there’s absolutely nothing they can offer me that I can buy somewhere. It’s more the fantasy of what a man is/used to be that gets me sometimes.

  2. I feel your pain. I know it well. What kind of fish are you looking for? Until you know, then no other fish will be good enough. Once you know, then figure out where he hangs out…then go there. Free dating sites is not where your man is likely to be; he’s too classy for that. Just a humble 2 cents. 🙂

    • I disagree. I know there is the adage, “You get what you pay for” and if you’re not paying, then it’s like spinning a wheel of chance on what you will get. I have done POF and Tinder and met some WONDERFUL men on both sites. In several cases, it was purely a matter of wrong timing where they might be barely out of a long relationship or marriage and are just dipping their toes in the shallow end of the pool while I’m swimming and diving in the deep end. I still keep in contact with some on a very friendly basis. Truly great people.

      I’ve tried both eHarmony and Match – and I think they are the WORST. I always thought that because someone was paying for the service, they might be a little more serious. But what is $20 or $30 a month. Most guys I have seen on Match are also on the other sites as well. 🙂

      • Couldn’t agree more about Match and eHarmony. I’m thinking of smaller, more niche sites that have a theme or appeal to a small strata of society…in the UK leading newspapers for thinkers have small sites that deliver the goods for me. Does your region have something similar?

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