5 Reasons to be Thankful for Being Single

It’s a beautiful thing to arrive at a place where you are happy to be single.  In a conversation with one of my best single girlfriends recently, we were discussing dating in general and she commented how she hated being single.  I disagreed.  While I don’t necessarily want single to be a permanent state, I have achieved a level of independence and emotional freedom that I will definitely have a difficult time giving up – if the time ever comes.  Even as I shoveled the driveway and pushed the big trash bins to the curb today, I thought how good it would be to have a man to do those things, but then I remembered the many reasons I am thankful for being single.

So in honor of the holiday tradition, here are the top five reasons single women should be thankful:

No snoring.  This was a text I got from a friend a few nights ago.  Damn, I do not miss having to listen to that nasty gagging sound from the person sleeping next to me.  However, it is always great to be able to give them a good hard kick so they roll over and give you some peace and quiet – even if just for a few minutes.  But it’s only a matter of time before they start snoring again.

snoring

No sharing the bed. While a man’s warm body is great as a defroster for your cold feet, it is not a good enough reason to have to share the bed.  I can lay vertical, horizontal, upside down, kick, flail, covers on, covers off.  It’s the greatest thing.  Or if I want to fall asleep on the couch, I don’t have some annoying voice questioning why I didn’t come to bed last night (because I couldn’t stand the sound of your snoring anymore!). But the best part, you don’t have anyone trying to grab you and rub their morning wood against your back in an attempt to wake you from your peaceful sleep to please them.

Grooming.  Men don’t realize how much effort it takes for a woman to groom herself.  We are supposed to always be soft, smell good, never sweat, and have no hair except on top of our head.  To my married and semi-married friends who let the hair on their legs grow two inches long in the winter and say their husband/boyfriend doesn’t care, I always say, “Trust me, they do.”  Being single, I don’t have to care.  If I don’t want to shave or wax any part of my body for two months, I don’t have to.  If I want to sit in my sweatpants and not shower all weekend, I can do so.  I can look like shit at will and not have to care.

Emotional freedom. Does he like me or not?  Why hasn’t he texted or called me in three days?  What did he mean by that?  Why hasn’t he asked me out again?  Those questions are just dating headaches.  When you’re married or in a relationship, those headaches become even tougher because you have greater expectations.  This is what I mean by emotional freedom.  You don’t have to sit and dwell on what the other person said, what they meant by it, or why they haven’t done something.  You have nobody to argue with, nobody to please, nobody to disrespect you and/or your time.  I only have myself to yell at for leaving dirty dishes in the sink or five pairs of shoes at the door.  It’s the greatest freedom in the world.

Independence. This is by far the most invaluable reason to be thankful for being single.  Especially when I hear a non-single friend say they have to check to see if it’s okay if they go out.  SCREW THAT!  I have become so use to doing what I want, when I want and with whom I want that the thought of having to get another person’s “approval” to go out with my friends seems so unrealistic to me.  Single may end up being a permanent state after all.

So for these reasons, and many more, I am thankful for being single.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Top Ten Lines to Guarantee No Second Date

It is always hard to do the letdown after a first date.  I’ve had to do it on a few occasions, and I have had it done to me.  Most men will just not respond if they’re not interested (which drives a woman NUTS, by the way.  Grow some balls and just let her down easy).  But if you know instantly you just don’t like her when you meet and want to have a little fun with her, here is a list of top ten statements I have pulled from my personal dating diaries that you can use to guarantee there will never be a second date.

TOP TEN LINES TO GUARANTEE NO SECOND DATE

10. I knew I shouldn’t have gone on any dates while I was trying to quit smoking because I am very irritated for no reason.

9.  Why would you order that steak if you weren’t going to eat the whole thing?  You can’t waste that.  I’ll bring it home for my dog.

8.  The last girl I met brought me to a house party which turned out to be a swinger party.  Hold on, let me show you some of the pictures.

7.  If I could put a hit out on my ex-wife and not get caught, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.

6.  You have really nice toes.  Can I suck them later?

5.  Have you ever tried judo?  There is this great move where you put your foot in my groin and flip me over.  The pressure from your foot actually feels really good.

4.  I’m sorry to be rude, but that’s my ex-girlfriend who keeps calling and she’s not going to stop unless I get it.

3. Don’t worry, those aren’t track marks on my arm.

2. If we are just going to make out and nothing is going to happen, you can just bring me back to my car.

And the number one line to guarantee no second date…

1. My ex-wife had the best pussy.

 

 

Dating Diaries: Kung Fu Master

I was having lunch with a long-time friend and his teenage son yesterday.  He was telling his son about my adventures in dating and said, “You have to tell him the story about the Kung Fu guy.  That was my favorite story ever.”  I completely forgot about Kung Fu guy, but when I tell the story, you’ll wonder how COULD you forget.

The Kung Fu Master, oh yes.  He was one of the very first guys I ever talked to when I started dating.  He was 34, no kids and owned a painting company.  He was quite handsome and seemed just like the average guy you picture drinking a few beers and yelling at the TV when a bad call is made on a Sunday football game.

I got a bad taste in my mouth right away.  The first time we talked on the phone, I learned he grew up in the area and we had several mutual people in common.  He knew a few girls that I hung around with in junior high and high school, and at the mention of their names, he said, “Oh, so you were part of the bitch crowd.”  Um, okay.

Then I mentioned a guy who I was close with from playing sports as a kid.  In fact, I played Pop Warner football with him and his dad was our coach.  He was my first childhood crush.  Wrong name to mention because this guy became angry and said how this guy bullied him throughout high school and if he ever saw him today, he’d “knock his teeth down his throat” for all the torture he caused him growing up.  Okay, so this is apparently not going well.

Now to the best part…

He wants to take me out, and while I am hesitant after our phone conversation, I give him a chance and ask him what he has in mind.  He asked me if I ever tried judo.  I said no.  He seems surprised that I never tried it, and he suggested we do it on our first date.  I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having that kind of close physical contact with someone I didn’t know.  But he insisted, “You’ll love it.”

So then he proceeds to tell me (GET READY FOR THIS) that the best part of judo was this certain move that would involve me putting my foot into his groin and flipping him over.  He went into this whole thing about how the pressure feels great.  Oh my, it’s like one of those moments you never forget.  I remember where I was when the Challenger blew up, or when 9/11 happened, or when Saddam was captured.  And now I had Kung Fu guy to add to that list.

I remember EXACTLY where I was and who I was with.  I remember saying aloud, “Put my foot in your groin?  Are you some kind of sick fuck?”  My friend and I had our boys and were heading to the Lego store with them at that very moment.  I remember her looking at me and she said, “Hang the phone up now.”  She didn’t even know who I was talking to or any details about this guy.  She had only been listening to bits of my conversation with him and was completely dumbfounded.  I was in so much shock I didn’t know what to do so I just hung up on him in mid-sentence.

He kept trying to call me back.  I would not answer.  Then the text bombing started.  Then he left me a two minute voice mail. This guy was NOT going to go away so I decided I’d give him a polite response.  In his voice mail, he insisted how he was being dead serious and not trying to be kinky.  So I graciously responded, “Perhaps I mistook what you were saying not being familiar with judo, but I just don’t think this is going to work out.  Good luck.”

He still would NOT go away.  I finally had to block him online and on my phone.

So yes, that is my experience with the Kung Fu Master.  He definitely deserves the honor of Top Freak.

Dating is Not the Wheel of Fortune

A business meeting on a typical day for me is usually focused on discussing marketing strategies for lead generation or creative concepts for a new video project. But notice I said typical, and to be quite honest, typical is boring. So once in a while, I like to change it up.

The first line when my colleague walked in to the meeting, “Who’s your douche bag friend with a girlfriend trying to hook up on a dating site?”

Folks, we hit another jackpot. Not only does the loser have a girlfriend, he is also a former cop ousted from his position for embezzling money from a kid’s charity to support his gambling problem, has a penchant for strippers, and is a heavy drug user. SWEET!! You can’t possibly make this up.

What is it with people who have all this baggage? How many degenerates do you have to come across before you meet a decent person? Three years ago, this type of stuff would have made me flustered. Today, it makes me laugh, although it is hardly a laughing matter.

But it got me thinking about baggage in general. Everyone has a little baggage. Some of it is acceptable and understandable. Then some of it is simply outrageous, and you see nothing but flashing red lights and signs that say RUN.

A good example would be a guy I went on a date with two years ago who told me that he hated his ex-wife so much that he wouldn’t think twice about putting a hit on her if he knew that he wouldn’t get caught. Coupled with that, he told me he had a restraining order and assault and battery conviction because he caught his wife in bed with another guy and punched him so hard that he broke his jaw. Oh, and he threw in that he went and slept with the guy’s wife to get revenge. CHECK PLEASE, WAITER!

Thanks to the jackpot I hit at the casino last weekend. Those 200 free spins netted me a nice little windfall. Dating for me has hardly been the Wheel of Fortune though; it’s been more like the Wheel of Degenerates.

I do want to say there are AMAZING MEN in this world. They are dedicated fathers and honest and hardworking and handsome and capable of having a normal conversation. I know this because I’ve met many along the way where the timing was just not right. They are the few that give women like me promise and hope. I look forward to the day that I will look back to my times of playing the Wheel of Degenerates and laugh. For those who know what I’ve been through with dating the last three years, there is no doubt that I finally deserve the Wheel of Fortune.

200 free

Dating 101: What a Single Guy is Really Saying to You

For every woman who has tried to read between the lines of what a man is trying to tell you, I am going to boil it down for you here.  Men are very simple creatures actually.  But some of you can only understand through brutal honesty so let me try to interpret.

Scenario:  I was introduced to a guy several weeks ago through a friend.  There were a few emails back and forth and then we exchanged numbers.  Simple conversation, and then he asked when we could get together.  Between his schedule and my upcoming vacation, it was hard, but we decided on a Friday night we were both free.  So I told him I would touch base with him in the middle of the week.  I sent him a text message that Wednesday asking him how his week was going and if he was still free on Friday.  Silence…

Now it’s been about three weeks, and he has long been deleted from my phone.  But tonight while at my son’s baseball game, who should appear but Houdini #572.  Here is his text message to me and I am going to translate for you.  MUST BE OVER 18 TO CONTINUE…

I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you.  Work has been insane.

Interpretation:  I’ve had other girls I have been banging who are either giving me a headache now thinking I actually wanted to date them or frankly just weren’t that attractive.  But I’ll just blame work because it’s an easy excuse, and well, it just sounds good.  Seeing as I haven’t found a good fuck friend yet, you are my next option.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for right now to be completely honest.  I might just be looking for some sort of friends with benefits type thing as I have no time lately.  Sucks.  😦

Interpretation:  I don’t have time to take you on a real date because I am SO busy.  And frankly, I just don’t want to.  But damn girl, if you want to spread your legs and let me stick my dick inside you, I can MAKE time for THAT.

I didn’t think you were interested in anything like that.  Of course if you are, I definitely find you attractive from what I saw anyway so let me know!

Interpretation:  I’m going to pretend to be a nice guy by making it look like I “know” you’re a nice girl to see how stupid you really are.  Most girls bite on this so let me see if you take the bait. I really don’t care about you or your interests or your life.  I just want to get my cock wet, or at minimum, I’ll even take a blow job.  So what do you say?

If not, if work slows down, I’d be more able to date.

Interpretation:  Listen babe, either you take my offer or I’m moving on.  There’s a plethora of pussy awaiting me.  And if you’re stupid enough to respond, do you really think I’m ever going to date you – or probably anyone – seriously?  I’m awesome, and you should be lucky I even presented you with the opportunity to ride my dick.

Conclusion:  Do I need more proof as to why I stay by myself and keep busy and make myself unavailable?  To anyone who doesn’t understand when I say I don’t give a shit about dating, now you understand why.  No drama, no headaches, no worries, no aggravation.  I would rather go without sex for the rest of my life than be taken for a fool and spread my legs for some douche bag.  I could care less what he looks like.  I am proudly single and sexless – but I’m happy, and that’s all that matters.

dating 101 text

The Secret Ingredients to Landing a Guy

Nearly four years of being single, with one malevolent narcissist in between, I found out today the secret ingredients to landing a great guy.  My male friend “D” sent me a stream of text messages earlier in a frenzy after finding out the girl he had been dating for the last few months has been seeing two other guys.  He was hurt and upset and furious, as any of us would be – male or female.  But he was particularly pissed because he had just shelled out money for $300 Bruins tickets that he was hoping to surprise her with.  That was his thanks.

Never screw with a woman scorned, they say.  Well, the same goes for men.  All of a sudden, the truth starts coming out about her.  She lives in a sober house.  “What were you thinking?” I say.  The skeletons just keep coming.  Is he insane?  This is the great girl that has stolen his heart.  He has everything going for him, and this is what he settles with.  He puts it perfectly in a text to me below.

drug1

And then it all clicked and I realized why I am still single.  Besides refusing to degrade myself by engaging in random hookups, I’m not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic and I actually have a job, an education and a car.

On my last date, I got stuffed with the dinner bill.  And when I dated the narcissist, he would remind me that he bought me and my kids an ice cream cone after I just shelled out $100 to take him and his four kids to dinner just days before.

Then he reminds me, as all my other male friends do when I bitch to them, “This is why all of us guys just bang them and move on to the next.”

So let me get this straight.  This homeless, unlicensed recovering addict has not just one, but THREE boyfriends, all fighting over her and buying her jewelry and NHL playoff tickets.  But, I can’t manage to find someone serious enough to go on a single date.

So what are the secret ingredients?  If you want to land a guy, or two or three, consider the following:

  1.        Start snorting, shooting, smoking or swallowing illegal substances.
  2.        Quit your job.
  3.        Get a DUI so you lose your license.
  4.        Spread easier than melted butter on bread.

Time to come up with a new strategy because being normal, decent, and employed makes you “undateable” these days.

Good Riddance to Online Dating: Best Profile Ever

This was my online dating profile about two years ago.  I found it tonight while backing up some old files.  I forgot I had saved it, probably because I knew I’d have a good laugh one day.  I must say, this is probably considered nice compared to what my profile might say today.  I never received so many emails in my life – most were from people thanking me for making them laugh.  But I also got my fair share of hate mail as well.  This helped me grow my block list to over 400.  Enjoy!

July 2012 – Dating profile

CAUTION: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE ZONE OF BLUNT TRUTH. So before you proceed, make sure you buckle up and don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. And before you start threatening me or calling me the “c” word or “b” word, as some of you that have read my profile already have, I will report you.

I read profiles every day of men who seem to have their “truth” about women.  Well, let me tell you the truth about men. Still waiting for one to prove me wrong.

1. You claim to be the “real deal” and how fun and exciting you are to be around.  Your life is so full of adventure, and you brag about this amazing life you have, your hobbies, and all the places you have traveled.  Well I haven’t met anyone yet that actually likes to go out and DO SOMETHING FUN. Trying to get any of you to even go to dinner is like pulling teeth. Or you ask to take a woman out then disappear or come up with the lamest excuse at the last minute to cancel. WTF is that about?? Because you have someone else on the back burner who’s a definite score? This is the thing that drives me the most crazy – especially seeing YOU asked ME to go out. Thus, the “one strike” rule. You f*ck up once, you’re out.

2. You say women post pictures that are ten years old when they were a size 6 and then show up weighing 300+ pounds. I purposely posted pictures that are about ten and twenty years old to show you I haven’t changed much. But what about guys? Every guy I have gone on a date with that claims to be 5′ 8″ to 5″10 has lied about their height because I have been taller than every one of you. Or you wear a baseball hat in every picture to disguise the fact that you are losing your hair. And not every women that puts “about average” as their body type is a liar. I truly am about average. I’d put curvy because I actually have tits, hips, and an ass, but “curvy” to a guy translates to “That’s a girl’s nice way of admitting she is an obese pig.”  Yes, if you’re looking for a girl who is a size 2 and a carpenter’s dream, that’s not me, but not all of us lie about our body type.

3. You say you want your “last kiss” or to meet your “princess” – but really, a majority of you just want to get laid. You think if you take a girl to dinner, this entitles you to a blow job in the backseat of your truck. Or because we’ve talked on the phone for a few weeks, I “know you” enough to want to come to your house for a “movie night and cuddling.”  Do I look like I was born yesterday?

4. Women don’t care how big your muscles are and don’t want to hear that you’re hung like a horse. Most guys that post pictures showing their abs or muscles are either full of themselves or have to distract you from the fact that they’re just plain ugly. We don’t care that you have a big **** because the truth is it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. And for all of you who like to brag about how many times you can make a girl come, TRUTH ALERT: most girls fake it!!! They tell me.

5. You say women lie about their situations. And men don’t lie? I have met enough losers and liars to last me a lifetime. I’ve become a human lie detector test. Let’s see…I’ve been lied to about the number of kids you have – and EVEN THE NUMBER OF LIMBS YOU HAVE!!!  Restraining orders, arrests, living in your parent’s basement – I have met many a liar in your gender pool.  It’s not just women who lie.

6. You say you want an independent woman. Well I am as independent as they come and when that’s placed in your lap, you don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been told by guys I am a “lion”, I am “too independent”, and I am “too aggressive.” Why? Because I tell you how it is, because I’m not going to chase you, because I actually have a life and don’t depend on you.

I could go on and on, but I’m saving that for the book I am going to write one day about all these crazy experiences. In the meantime, good luck to you all and good riddance to the crazy world of online dating!