Online Dating Diaries: When the Douche Comes Back

I have a very good friend who has been living the online dating dream with me the last few months.  She’s starting to become an expert at this in her own right, but every once in a while, I am still able to offer her a new insight.  “You were so right,” she’ll say.  I love hearing those words.

One recent insight I gave her was about a guy she had been on a date with where everything was great, including the chemistry.  Then the guy stopped texting her.  She was confused, but based on everything she had told me, I said, “Don’t worry, he will come back.”  And soon enough, he came back.  You know, the standard “Sorry I’ve been out of touch, just been SO busy.”

I told her to also expect the occasional random number to text her out of the blue.  You know, the guy you deleted from your phone three months ago who randomly texts you, “Hey, how’s it going?” and you’re saying to yourself, “Who the fuck is this?”  Well, that happened to her too.

It’s one of the truths about online dating I have come to realize:  many guys will come back.  Out of the blue, at random times, when you least expect it.  In fantasy land, a woman wants to believe that the guy is reconnecting because he is actually interested in her after all.  Maybe he went on a few dates with some not so great girls and said to himself, “That girl from a couple months ago was actually pretty cool.  Maybe I’ll see what she’s up to.”  It can happen, but don’t hold your breath.

REALITY CHECK:  They are coming back because they are bored and there are no other available options, or more likely, they are looking to get laid.  By pretending to actually CARE how you are doing, they hope you won’t be able to read through their disingenuous attempt at casual conversation.

So imagine my surprise when my douche of the century appeared out of nowhere after TWO MONTHS.   On the Hot Douche Scale, this guy was a solid 9.5.  It was probably safe to assume he’d fall into the Run Like Hell category, but in my dream world, I held out hope that he’d at least make it to the Dating Zone.

I connected with him instantly in one conversation prior to our date.  He said he had taken six months off from dating after getting out of a bad relationship.  I totally respected that as many people on the dating scene take NO TIME in between relationships for themselves to heal in a healthy way.  In fact, one recent date told me he had just ended a 5 year relationship three weeks prior.  He was a super awesome guy, and I gave him some parting advice, “Do yourself a favor and go have some fun.”

Now back to the douche.  This guy was an A+ in my book going in.  And when we met, the chemistry was instant.  Dinner was great, conversation was great.  We decided to take a walk along the river after dinner.  I had it in my head that I was totally going to make out with this guy.  I was even bold and said to him, “You know I’m totally making out with you.”  His hands were trying to go in places that were off limits which I quickly pushed away each time.  I can’t blame a guy for trying.  But within less than ten minutes, the mood changed in a mere instant when he said, “Can I get a blow job?”  My exact response, “Fuck no!”

This guy gets totally pissed and the conversation goes exactly like this:

Guy:  What you’re doing isn’t fair.  What you’re doing is actually worse than if you slept with a guy on the first date.

Me: Since when can’t you just make out and have fun.  I didn’t know that getting you off was a requirement.

Then he spewed the words that will be etched in my brain for eternity.  “If nothing is going to happen between us, then you can just bring me back to my car.”

So that was it.  Over, finished, done, finito, caput, done.  He went from an A+ to an F in less than three seconds.  My fantasy man turned complete cock sucker drove off, and I closed the chapter on that one.

Well, not really because HE CAME BACK.  He is THE LAST MAN I thought would ever reach out again.  He was long deleted from my phone when I got the infamous, “Hi, how are you?”  The actual conversation is below.

date comes back

 

Now to answer the ever confusing question:  Why do they come back?  You know why he came back.  I flat out asked him what he wanted.  He offered to bring a bottle of wine to my house, and we could “relax and watch a movie.”  TRUE STORY!!!  I obviously declined and he obviously tried to say he was just kidding.  But I have not heard from him again.

So the next time you get a random text from a phone number you don’t recognize, do not be fooled into thinking they really care how you are.  You are just one of many other random girls who received the same spam.  He is just looking to get laid – and you’re a fool if you give him the satisfaction.

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4 thoughts on “Online Dating Diaries: When the Douche Comes Back

  1. Ugh, so true… LOL 🙂 One way to avoid the b.s is to disconnect completely from guys that do not follow through on the dating pattern and do not show sings of seriousness. I put them through a few tests right off the bat. And… I also changed another habit. I stopped deleting numbers (the phone can take it, trust me). That way I am never caught off guard and I just avoid replying to douches who have no potential of being straight up in the dating zone with a strong option for husband zone. Time is money.

  2. lol……so very true!! And i thought this only happened to me. I had a random text from a long ago deleted number, i asked ‘who is this’, he text back his name, i just hit DELETE. So many douchebags out there.

  3. This literally happened to me today. I so needed this reminder that he’s only looking to get laid! Look at these asshats and their “cleverness.” I’m glad you’re here to remind yourself and girls like me that this is all they’re after. We gotta look out for each other!

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