I watched an insanely funny video last week which showed a man white boarding the “hot crazy” scale of women. In the video, he describes what to expect depending on where a woman falls on the scale in terms of her attractiveness and craziness. I laughed so hard because what he states in the video is largely true. But it also inspired me to create the Hot Douche Scale for men. Based on his assessment of women on the scale, I created my own evaluation tool for the opposite sex. I highly recommend all single women use it.
Below is a graphical illustration of the Hot Douche Scale along with a brief description of potential suitors depending on where they fall within the matrix. At the bottom of the scale lies the traditional measurement of hotness on a scale of one to ten. And on the side of the scale – the y axis – we measure the level of douche. As the guy in the video states there is no woman less than a 4 crazy, I am convinced there is no guy less than a 4 douche. In the middle lies the douche line.
Do Not Date Zone. This is an obvious. We simply don’t date anyone less than a 5 hot in our personal judgment (Note however, if this were a guy writing this blog, he would likely state any woman within this zone might qualify after a 12 pack and a couple shots of tequila).
Run Like Hell Zone. This zone is reserved for guys above a 5 hot and above the douche line. These are your guys who have more pictures of their abs than of their face. Guys with neck tattoos. Guys who wear baseball hats to the side. Guys with nothing but crazy exes. Guys who say “heyyyyyyyyy.” Guys who address you as beautiful, princess, sweetie, or some other term of endearment in an initial introduction. Guys with a profile that runs as long as a college term paper listing their accomplishments and why they are so awesome. Among this group, you are likely to find a guy who has restraining orders on him from all those crazy exes, has little or nothing to offer, and is mainly seeking to hump and dump you. As the category states, RUN LIKE HELL.
Free Meal Zone. These are guys that are between a 5 and 8 hot and below the douche line. They are often great guys. Problems you’re likely to encounter here are they just aren’t as hot in person as they are in their pictures, or they are two weeks out of a long-term relationship and just looking for attention. These ones you chalk up to what I call “free meals” – great guys where the attraction is simply lacking or your minds and intentions are on two entirely different planes.
Dating Zone. The Dating Zone is very similar on the Hot Douche Scale as it is on the Hot Crazy Scale. Guys here are between an 8 and 10 hot, and about a 7 douche. The guys in this zone offer all the right ingredients and have the potential to move on to the husband zone if they haven’t been too emotionally damaged. But I think a lot of guys get caught up in the Dating Zone and can never move past it. They have a series of relationships that typically last six months to three years, but they are not fully capable of entering the Husband Zone for a number of reasons.
Husband Zone. The Husband Zone is a guy who is between an 8 and 10 hot, and only a 5 to 6 on the douche scale. He is actually capable of having a healthy, long-term relationship. You can tell his potential early on if he isn’t trying to get you to sext within five minutes of exchanging phone numbers, will call you even if you do NOT fuck him on the first date, and actually asks you questions and takes an active interest in your life. I’m almost convinced this zone is reserved only for television and romance novels, but I still hold a faint glimmer of hope that attempt 75 might yield me my dream guy. I think I’m almost there.
Leprechaun Zone. This is a guy that is between an 8 and 10 hot and about a 4 douche. Just like this woman doesn’t exist, neither does this man. You are more likely to find a leprechaun and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow than a man that meets this criteria.
Gay Zone. Then finally there is the guy that is above an 8 hot and below a 4 douche. They are our gay best friends. They actually know how to treat a woman like a woman and understand how a woman feels, but the problem is they don’t find us attractive (well, in the sense that counts anyway).
Finally, while the inventor of the Hot Crazy Scale states that his matrix is not like a pie chart showing an actual depiction of the number of potential women who fall into each of the categories, I do beg to differ as it pertains to the Hot Douche scale. The tiny sliver of scale that encompasses the Husband Zone is an actual depiction of how many potential men are capable of giving us lasting love.
And bitches, move over. I have waited in line long enough. My train is coming next.