Dating Diaries: The NHL Guy

What a more perfect time for NHL guy to reappear than during the Stanley Cup.  I met him last May.  He told me he was in the NHL, and I said, “Ok, and I’m a famous movie star.”  But I did my homework on him, and for anyone that knows me and what I do for a living, I DO my homework.  He totally checks out.

So after several weeks of conversation and texting and basically just playing with me, I laid it out on the line – either we are going to go out for real or he can go fly a kite.  And I pretty much said it like that.  He told me he was home for the season besides some random commitments and would have time.  So I get the random text one Saturday, fortunately on a weekend I didn’t have my kids, “What are you doing later?”  He said he had a golf tournament, but would touch base later in the afternoon.  So I get another text at 5:00, and he gives me a place and tells me to meet him in a half hour.  I was in the middle of a pedicure, and told him 7:30.  I’ll never forget the final words…

NHL Guy: Well maybe next time.

Me: Or maybe not…

Within two minutes, my phone rang.  And boy did I let him have it.  He tried using the “Do you know who I am” bullshit on me, and I said, “I don’t care who you are.”  I ripped him a new one for a minimum 15 minutes because I was so aggravated, and I will give him credit because he sat there and took it.

When he reappeared, I couldn’t believe he remembered me.  But he remembered things going down quite differently as you can see here.

You never know who you are going to meet when you’re out there dating.  We all tend to remember the bad stories, but we forget the good experiences.  NHL guy is not going to be my future husband, but he is definitely not a bad person to know.  When I meet good people, I try to stay on a friendly basis with them.  For example, the timing might not be right now, but you never know what could happen in six months, a year, two years.  They could be good professional contacts in the future.  They could have single friends who might be better for you or vice versa.

Above all, make sure you leave a lasting (positive) impression.

 

 

Dating is Not the Wheel of Fortune

A business meeting on a typical day for me is usually focused on discussing marketing strategies for lead generation or creative concepts for a new video project. But notice I said typical, and to be quite honest, typical is boring. So once in a while, I like to change it up.

The first line when my colleague walked in to the meeting, “Who’s your douche bag friend with a girlfriend trying to hook up on a dating site?”

Folks, we hit another jackpot. Not only does the loser have a girlfriend, he is also a former cop ousted from his position for embezzling money from a kid’s charity to support his gambling problem, has a penchant for strippers, and is a heavy drug user. SWEET!! You can’t possibly make this up.

What is it with people who have all this baggage? How many degenerates do you have to come across before you meet a decent person? Three years ago, this type of stuff would have made me flustered. Today, it makes me laugh, although it is hardly a laughing matter.

But it got me thinking about baggage in general. Everyone has a little baggage. Some of it is acceptable and understandable. Then some of it is simply outrageous, and you see nothing but flashing red lights and signs that say RUN.

A good example would be a guy I went on a date with two years ago who told me that he hated his ex-wife so much that he wouldn’t think twice about putting a hit on her if he knew that he wouldn’t get caught. Coupled with that, he told me he had a restraining order and assault and battery conviction because he caught his wife in bed with another guy and punched him so hard that he broke his jaw. Oh, and he threw in that he went and slept with the guy’s wife to get revenge. CHECK PLEASE, WAITER!

Thanks to the jackpot I hit at the casino last weekend. Those 200 free spins netted me a nice little windfall. Dating for me has hardly been the Wheel of Fortune though; it’s been more like the Wheel of Degenerates.

I do want to say there are AMAZING MEN in this world. They are dedicated fathers and honest and hardworking and handsome and capable of having a normal conversation. I know this because I’ve met many along the way where the timing was just not right. They are the few that give women like me promise and hope. I look forward to the day that I will look back to my times of playing the Wheel of Degenerates and laugh. For those who know what I’ve been through with dating the last three years, there is no doubt that I finally deserve the Wheel of Fortune.

The First Cardinal Rule of Dating for Women

There are many rules of dating, but there is one cardinal rule for women.  The supreme, almighty, foremost rule of all.  The rule you must never break if you want to be taken seriously.  My unscientific poll of random guys I know confirms it.  NEVER EVER sleep with him on the first date.

My survey was taken among men, ages 30 to 45.  I wanted to make sure I covered the entire spectrum.  Here are the responses ladies, straight from the mouth of man.

Man 1:  Super hot 30 year old professional (my new fake boyfriend, BTW)

“A little dating advice: NEVER sleep with a guy on the first date.  If a girl sleeps with me on the first date, all I think of is how many other guys she has slept with on the first date.”

Man 2: 34 year old business owner

“At least five dates if you want real respect.  If you sleep with them on the first date, expect it to be nothing more than a sexual relationship.  But you have to bait a little as some guys are impatient.”

Man 3: 40 year old IT technician

“I think at my age, it doesn’t really matter how many dates as long as there is a connection.  But definitely NOT the first.”

Man 4:  45 year old sales exec

“Three dates minimum, maybe four.  If you go out on four dates and she doesn’t put out, yet you still want to see her, you know it’s real interest in her and not just her vagina.”

There you go.  Yet, so many women break this cardinal rule, and then get pissed off when the guy bails, and they don’t get asked out on a second date.  Or as Man 2 says, it just becomes a sexual relationship.  If you are ready to just accept a casual sexual relationship, then all the power to you.  Some women can do it without regret.  Call me a prude, but I just don’t have it in me to do it.  The bottom line is women are emotional creatures, and for the majority of us, there has to be a mental connection to truly have an awesome physical connection.

The bottom line for me these days: Men use love to get sex.  Women use sex to get love.  I use coupons to get pizza.

Male Dating Diaries: Where Do I Find This Trash?

I couldn’t wait to do this blog as it is one that tops the list of “You Can’t Make This Shit Up.”  I’m totally loving this.  I don’t even have to deal with the games and drama to blog about it.  I get fodder from my male and female friends every day.  I have more material than I know what to do with – a stand up comic would be jealous.

The short of it:  My male friend has been talking to a girl for a couple of weeks and made plans to go out with her this weekend.  Until he got this message.  The text  below sums it up (and note it was a group message to several different guys, not just my friend, who were talking to the same girl).

Dating 101: What a Single Guy is Really Saying to You

For every woman who has tried to read between the lines of what a man is trying to tell you, I am going to boil it down for you here.  Men are very simple creatures actually.  But some of you can only understand through brutal honesty so let me try to interpret.

Scenario:  I was introduced to a guy several weeks ago through a friend.  There were a few emails back and forth and then we exchanged numbers.  Simple conversation, and then he asked when we could get together.  Between his schedule and my upcoming vacation, it was hard, but we decided on a Friday night we were both free.  So I told him I would touch base with him in the middle of the week.  I sent him a text message that Wednesday asking him how his week was going and if he was still free on Friday.  Silence…

Now it’s been about three weeks, and he has long been deleted from my phone.  But tonight while at my son’s baseball game, who should appear but Houdini #572.  Here is his text message to me and I am going to translate for you.  MUST BE OVER 18 TO CONTINUE…

I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you.  Work has been insane.

Interpretation:  I’ve had other girls I have been banging who are either giving me a headache now thinking I actually wanted to date them or frankly just weren’t that attractive.  But I’ll just blame work because it’s an easy excuse, and well, it just sounds good.  Seeing as I haven’t found a good fuck friend yet, you are my next option.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for right now to be completely honest.  I might just be looking for some sort of friends with benefits type thing as I have no time lately.  Sucks.  😦

Interpretation:  I don’t have time to take you on a real date because I am SO busy.  And frankly, I just don’t want to.  But damn girl, if you want to spread your legs and let me stick my dick inside you, I can MAKE time for THAT.

I didn’t think you were interested in anything like that.  Of course if you are, I definitely find you attractive from what I saw anyway so let me know!

Interpretation:  I’m going to pretend to be a nice guy by making it look like I “know” you’re a nice girl to see how stupid you really are.  Most girls bite on this so let me see if you take the bait. I really don’t care about you or your interests or your life.  I just want to get my cock wet, or at minimum, I’ll even take a blow job.  So what do you say?

If not, if work slows down, I’d be more able to date.

Interpretation:  Listen babe, either you take my offer or I’m moving on.  There’s a plethora of pussy awaiting me.  And if you’re stupid enough to respond, do you really think I’m ever going to date you – or probably anyone – seriously?  I’m awesome, and you should be lucky I even presented you with the opportunity to ride my dick.

Conclusion:  Do I need more proof as to why I stay by myself and keep busy and make myself unavailable?  To anyone who doesn’t understand when I say I don’t give a shit about dating, now you understand why.  No drama, no headaches, no worries, no aggravation.  I would rather go without sex for the rest of my life than be taken for a fool and spread my legs for some douche bag.  I could care less what he looks like.  I am proudly single and sexless – but I’m happy, and that’s all that matters.

Join LinkedIn if You Want a Job – or a Date

I was somewhat of an early adopter of LinkedIn, having a profile up long before it became the premier networking site for professionals that it is today.  To this day, my online resume’ is not filled out with the exception of my work history and education, but that still does not prevent the occasional recruiter from knocking on my door with a job opportunity.  Nor does it prevent the occasional professional perv from reaching out with proposals for a date.  In fact, you might be surprised at how common it is.

I will never forget my first dating proposal via LinkedIn.  It was in 2007, and after returning from a conference in New York City, an attendee at the conference, who also happened to work at one of my organization’s largest banking clients, sent me a request to join my LinkedIn network.  After a few formalities, he casually mentioned that he traveled to Boston frequently on business.  He asked me if he could take me on a date the next time he was in town.  I had just found out I was pregnant with my second son at the time and thoroughly enjoyed telling him I was married with a three year old at home and another baby on board.  I wish I could have been there to see him crawl in a hole when I told him.

These casual proposals have continued randomly, but at least with the 2007 experience, it was someone I had actually met and interacted with directly in a business setting.  Today, the proposals are even more brazen and outrageous.  Some LinkedIn members are abusing the purpose of the site.  Besides just spammers, perverts and cyber stalkers were becoming such an issue, members started to complain which caused LinkedIn to add blocking features and other privacy controls just this year.  Have you blocked anyone yet?  I have.

Sometimes the scoping of potential dates may be done casually starting with actions such as unknown endorsers of skills to casual inquiries to discuss a business proposal.   For example, this past summer, I had one guy who I had a third degree connection with contact me as he wanted my “professional  opinion” on a new marketing tool his company was looking to launch.  In addition to my expertise, he blatantly stated that he would be interested in taking me out to lunch or dinner sometime.

In doing research for this blog, I learned that there was actually a dating app launched in 2012 called Hitch Me, described as a “safe, secure and reliable online dating platform for LinkedIn professionals.”  My first reaction, “Seriously, another damn dating site.  Are you bleeping KIDDING ME?”  But when I visited the page, I got this message.  I see that experiment was a real success.

This is a real problem, folks.  I have had numerous propositions fill my LinkedIn inbox and requests from people where I have no connections in common.  Then there are endorsements of your skills from people you don’t know.

A few weeks ago, I took it upon myself to privatize my LinkedIn profile which actually irritated me as it goes against the very purpose of what the site is intended for.  It’s a sad day when people are now using professional networks as dating sites.  Am I supposed to overlook the fact that you are old enough to be my father and instead be impressed that you are a VP at Citibank (yes, true story)?  Is that supposed to win you a date?  I think not.

The Secret Ingredients to Landing a Guy

Nearly four years of being single, with one malevolent narcissist in between, I found out today the secret ingredients to landing a great guy.  My male friend “D” sent me a stream of text messages earlier in a frenzy after finding out the girl he had been dating for the last few months has been seeing two other guys.  He was hurt and upset and furious, as any of us would be – male or female.  But he was particularly pissed because he had just shelled out money for $300 Bruins tickets that he was hoping to surprise her with.  That was his thanks.

Never screw with a woman scorned, they say.  Well, the same goes for men.  All of a sudden, the truth starts coming out about her.  She lives in a sober house.  “What were you thinking?” I say.  The skeletons just keep coming.  Is he insane?  This is the great girl that has stolen his heart.  He has everything going for him, and this is what he settles with.  He puts it perfectly in a text to me below.

And then it all clicked and I realized why I am still single.  Besides refusing to degrade myself by engaging in random hookups, I’m not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic and I actually have a job, an education and a car.

On my last date, I got stuffed with the dinner bill.  And when I dated the narcissist, he would remind me that he bought me and my kids an ice cream cone after I just shelled out $100 to take him and his four kids to dinner just days before.

Then he reminds me, as all my other male friends do when I bitch to them, “This is why all of us guys just bang them and move on to the next.”

So let me get this straight.  This homeless, unlicensed recovering addict has not just one, but THREE boyfriends, all fighting over her and buying her jewelry and NHL playoff tickets.  But, I can’t manage to find someone serious enough to go on a single date.

So what are the secret ingredients?  If you want to land a guy, or two or three, consider the following:

1.        Start snorting, shooting, smoking or swallowing illegal substances.
2.        Quit your job.
3.        Get a DUI so you lose your license.
4.        Spread easier than melted butter on bread.

Time to come up with a new strategy because being normal, decent, and employed makes you “undateable” these days.

Good Riddance to Online Dating: Best Profile Ever

This was my online dating profile about two years ago.  I found it tonight while backing up some old files.  I forgot I had saved it, probably because I knew I’d have a good laugh one day.  I must say, this is probably considered nice compared to what my profile might say today.  I never received so many emails in my life – most were from people thanking me for making them laugh.  But I also got my fair share of hate mail as well.  This helped me grow my block list to over 400.  Enjoy!

July 2012 – Dating profile

CAUTION: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE ZONE OF BLUNT TRUTH. So before you proceed, make sure you buckle up and don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. And before you start threatening me or calling me the “c” word or “b” word, as some of you that have read my profile already have, I will report you.

I read profiles every day of men who seem to have their “truth” about women.  Well, let me tell you the truth about men. Still waiting for one to prove me wrong.

1. You claim to be the “real deal” and how fun and exciting you are to be around.  Your life is so full of adventure, and you brag about this amazing life you have, your hobbies, and all the places you have traveled.  Well I haven’t met anyone yet that actually likes to go out and DO SOMETHING FUN. Trying to get any of you to even go to dinner is like pulling teeth. Or you ask to take a woman out then disappear or come up with the lamest excuse at the last minute to cancel. WTF is that about?? Because you have someone else on the back burner who’s a definite score? This is the thing that drives me the most crazy – especially seeing YOU asked ME to go out. Thus, the “one strike” rule. You f*ck up once, you’re out.

2. You say women post pictures that are ten years old when they were a size 6 and then show up weighing 300+ pounds. I purposely posted pictures that are about ten and twenty years old to show you I haven’t changed much. But what about guys? Every guy I have gone on a date with that claims to be 5′ 8″ to 5″10 has lied about their height because I have been taller than every one of you. Or you wear a baseball hat in every picture to disguise the fact that you are losing your hair. And not every women that puts “about average” as their body type is a liar. I truly am about average. I’d put curvy because I actually have tits, hips, and an ass, but “curvy” to a guy translates to “That’s a girl’s nice way of admitting she is an obese pig.”  Yes, if you’re looking for a girl who is a size 2 and a carpenter’s dream, that’s not me, but not all of us lie about our body type.

3. You say you want your “last kiss” or to meet your “princess” – but really, a majority of you just want to get laid. You think if you take a girl to dinner, this entitles you to a blow job in the backseat of your truck. Or because we’ve talked on the phone for a few weeks, I “know you” enough to want to come to your house for a “movie night and cuddling.”  Do I look like I was born yesterday?

4. Women don’t care how big your muscles are and don’t want to hear that you’re hung like a horse. Most guys that post pictures showing their abs or muscles are either full of themselves or have to distract you from the fact that they’re just plain ugly. We don’t care that you have a big **** because the truth is it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. And for all of you who like to brag about how many times you can make a girl come, TRUTH ALERT: most girls fake it!!! They tell me.

5. You say women lie about their situations. And men don’t lie? I have met enough losers and liars to last me a lifetime. I’ve become a human lie detector test. Let’s see…I’ve been lied to about the number of kids you have – and EVEN THE NUMBER OF LIMBS YOU HAVE!!!  Restraining orders, arrests, living in your parent’s basement – I have met many a liar in your gender pool.  It’s not just women who lie.

6. You say you want an independent woman. Well I am as independent as they come and when that’s placed in your lap, you don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been told by guys I am a “lion”, I am “too independent”, and I am “too aggressive.” Why? Because I tell you how it is, because I’m not going to chase you, because I actually have a life and don’t depend on you.

I could go on and on, but I’m saving that for the book I am going to write one day about all these crazy experiences. In the meantime, good luck to you all and good riddance to the crazy world of online dating!

Online Dating: When the Clock Strikes Midnight

In the Cinderella fairy tale, we all know what happens at the stroke of midnight.  If you’re a single woman, midnight on a Saturday has a whole new meaning.  The Houdinis appear. 

And what is a “Houdini” you might ask yourself.  I aptly coined the term in a blog I did two years ago about how online dating is like online fraud.  A Houdini is the guy that wastes weeks, or sometimes months, of your time texting and calling you.  Then one day, he disappears.  It’s like the earth just opened up and swallowed him, and he vanishes off the face of the earth.  In the worst case, and the most confusing Houdini of all, is the one you may have even gone on a couple of dates with – and in the midst of planning a third – they just evaporate into thin air.

The worst part is the confusion.  Did I say something wrong?  Did he think I was fat, unattractive, obnoxious?  Did he start dating someone else?  Is he really married and got caught?  Perhaps he was just looking to get laid and when he realized he wasn’t getting it from me, he bailed.  WHAT DID I SAY OR DO WRONG?  This is the thought process women go through.

But the best thing about a Houdini is they ALWAYS reappear, when you least expect it, like the communication NEVER STOPPED.  Most likely, it’s on a Saturday right before midnight.

I would have only believed the scene last night was from a movie if I hadn’t seen and experienced it myself.  I was out in the city with three of my single girlfriends.  We are relishing the best French fries ever, listening to a great acoustic rock band, and evaluating whether the four guys across the bar are military AND single (and very cute, I might add). The clock is about to strike midnight – and within ten minutes, three of us girls separately get messages from Houdinis.  

The first girl gets a text from a guy she was talking to for a while who suddenly disappeared.  His excuse: He was texting another person he had met a while ago on a dating site that had the same name as her.  He assumed he was texting my friend all along, and only realized ON A SATURDAY at MIDNIGHT that it was the wrong girl.  REALLY GUY??  That has to be the LAMEST excuse I have ever heard.

The second girl gets a text from a guy who has consistently been UP HER ASS for weeks.  As it’s been hard for them to find a suitable time to get together due to their work schedules, he suggested she come visit him at work.  So she finally agrees to come meet him and proposes a time, and he completely disappears.  No more calls, no more texts.  He decides ON A SATURDAY at MIDNIGHT to casually overlook the disappearance and sends her a text, “What are you doing?”  LET ME GUESS.  Just like 90% of other single guys in the world, you suddenly find yourself lonely, and suddenly you want to talk.  Here’s a four letter F word and a middle finger for you.

We were laughing at the irony, and one of the girls sarcastically noted, “They must be looking for a Saturday night booty call.”  Her phone is blowing up…her guy is on his fourth text message to her.  I picked up my phone, and the third Houdini appears.  A guy I haven’t talked to in MONTHS.  So I said, “Screw this.  Time to mess with some guys.” 

I told him I was in bed with my man of the week who just happened to be a member of the Taliban and proceeded to send him a picture of some random guy with a long bushy beard.  He responds, “Well sorry to bother you pretty lady!  Take care of yourself and be well!”  So I get serious and ask who it is. The conversation goes like this:

Guy:  It’s (name).  We met a couple months ago and lost touch.  Just wanted to see how you were doing. 

Commentary:  Really?  You care how I am.  Would it have anything to do with the fact that it is 11:46 on a Saturday night?

He sends his picture as a reminder, and one of the girls makes a comment that he is very cute.  And I say, “Yeah and there’s a hundred more where he came from.”

Me:  I was obviously being silly, but I deleted you from my phone because I figured you weren’t interested.

Guy:  Well put me back in if you want.  It would be nice to get to know you.

Commentary:  Hello, I know I am only one of about 50 other girls in your phone you just sent that same message to in hopes of having someone in your bed tonight other than the usual Mary Palmer and her five friends.  I appreciate your disingenuous attempt at pretending to care how I have been doing, but I think I will add you to my block list, thank you.

So that’s my story and I am sticking to it.  There isn’t enough blog space to write about all the Houdinis I’ve met in the last three years.  But it’s just part of the wild world of being single in the 21^st century.  My single friends are starting to appreciate the value of my callousness when it comes to dating and finding the humor in it all.  You learn that you can’t take it personally because if you do, you might as well just join the convent. 

Just as Valentine’s Day is a gold mine for greeting card makers, every Saturday night at just around midnight, cell phone companies are raking in profits from the data usage charges from millions of drunk or lonely men sending multiple text messages in search of a booty call.

Plenty of Fun with POF: Shooting Fish in a Barrel

The playing field in the dating world is hardly equal.  It’s as unfair as if the Bad News Bears were to play my World Champion Boston Red Sox (GO SOX!). 

Poor “Mike” is having no luck.  Actually he got two emails today, and one was from a cute 29 year old blonde who would seemingly have potential.  She is a very natural girl with a warm smile and is just having fun in her pics – no cleavage showing, no pouty fish lips, and no selfies in the bathroom. 

For “Elizabeth” on the other hand, after getting the inbox down to under 40 emails, she didn’t go on for two days and she had 107 new emails.  THIS IS CRAZY!! 

Elizabeth is working it.  For her, dating is like shooting fish in a barrel.  For those of you that don’t know that saying, Wikipedia defines it as “an effortless or simple action, with guaranteed success.”  She could have a date every night of the week for at least the next month if she accepted every proposal she got to go out for coffee, dinner, or really anything she wants.  Here is a typical proposal from “Jeff” – a handsome, 36 year old engineer.

This is too easy.  All Elizabeth has to do is sit back and wait for the invitations to come to her.  NO EFFORT REQUIRED.  Mike is sweating, starting to question why he’s not good enough.  Does he need to be as aggressive as the guys pursing Elizabeth and just ask them out or drop their number before hello?  Is this the online reality for guys?

So I decide Elizabeth is going to put in some effort to see if SHE is the pursuer, what will be the result? I do a search as if I were looking for someone for myself – if I were online, what guy would I email?  I find him with a little effort.  A 38 years old, IT guy, 6’ 1”, nice full head of dark hair, great teeth.  My type any day of the week.  I am going to be aggressive so I shoot him a quick note.

Within SIX EMAILS, he asks me to dinner.  I pursued HIM.  I was hoping he would make this a little hard for me.  So I decide I’m going to push the envelope.  Dinner isn’t good enough, I want something better.  I have always wanted to go in a hot air balloon so I throw it out there. 

He says, “We can do that.”  ARE YOU KIDDING???  FISH IN BARREL FOLKS!  I even point out that it’s expensive, but he’s willing to go. 

Am I missing something?  Has something changed in the online dating world in the last six months?  I have never seen anything like it before.  I don’t ever remember guys being this aggressive.  Is the competition that tough?  I know it’s not because I’m that much of a prize.  Poor Mike is just going to have to get on his game and whip out the plastic if he stands a chance.  I feel immense sympathy for men for the sheer effort they have to put in.

Imagine what I could do to this 26 year old below.  He’d be scarred for life.