Surviving a Narcissist: Three Months Later

To honor three months of NO CONTACT, I had the opportunity to do what most survivors of a narcissist have probably not done.  I celebrated with one of the women he cheated on me with a year ago.  We went to the same place to see the same band he took her to the very night I caught him.  How is THAT for irony?

Even after that cheating incident, I got caught back up in his whirlwind of lies.  He would insult her to me and made up lies about her.  I ultimately contacted her directly to ask questions, and she denied his vicious lies.  And as much as I continued to want to love this man, I NEVER doubted HER for one second.  I knew she was the only one that was going to tell me the truth.  For he had no history of being able to tell me the truth, and even continued to lie to me even when I presented him with undeniable proof.  She had no reason to lie.

It has been a slow process, but I am regaining my power and my sense of self.   In fact, a woman who I admire dearly stopped me today on the way out of work and said to me, “You seem truly happy” noting that for the last year, as she put it, I was there and smiling, but “not really there.”  Empty, hollow, indifferent, robotic, unfeeling.  THAT is what I had become after almost 18 months of being abused, lied to, cheated on, and manipulated by a narcissist.  I had completely shut down.  That is how you have to be.  It is the only way to cope, the only way to survive.  You simply fail to exist anymore.

This is why this past weekend was such a significant milestone for me.  Nothing good rarely ever comes out of such an experience.  But I was blessed to meet a wonderful woman who has supported me through this mess and became a great friend in the process.  It’s unfortunate it had to be under the conditions it was, but despite all the “crazy ex” drama he tried to throw on her about me, she was that much wiser than most and said, “YOU are the SICK FUCK, not her.”

The first NO CONTACT started in August after one of my closest friends tragically died at 35 leaving behind four children.  His reaction when I told him was so disgusting it is not even worth repeating here.  He shed not a single ounce of sympathy or support for me.  The day after her death, he never even called or texted me to ask how I was doing, and instead WENT ON A DATING SITE.  And if that is not bad enough, he had NO SHAME finally texting me a few days later to ask if I was going to bring him to the Journey concert.  YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

With NO CONTACT, they will try anything and everything to get your attention.  He even went so far as to send an email to this same girl he cheated on me with, six months after the original incident, verbally attacking her as he knew it would get back to me.

All said and done, I needed one more dropkick in the face from him and his new narcissistic supply to finally GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD.  Reconnecting with an old high school friend who had just left an abusive relationship, she said to me, “You are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and you need to get out NOW.”  She pointed me to a number of resources and sent me on my way.  I read until my eyes hurt that night.  Then I cried, and read more.  Each website I visited, each article I viewed, each victim’s experience I read – it was if I could have written it myself.  IT FINALLY ALL MADE SENSE.  He was a textbook narcissist sociopath.

But I REFUSE to play the victim card, and sit here and feel sorry for myself.  That is allowing them to have POWER OVER YOU.  I am NOT saying, however, that I still don’t have an occasional weak moment because I do.  This continues to be a struggle, but it gets easier every day.

I am finding ME again – my joy and happiness.  I want to help others, too, who may not be as fortunate as I am to have a solid support system.  I recently applied to be a mentor and volunteer for domestic violence victims.  I’m moving forward, and I can finally say I am starting to feel like myself again.  I’m smiling again – and it’s genuine, not forced.   I haven’t been able to say that in a very long time.

I am no fool though…and the charades still continue.  Two weeks ago, I got a series of vile text messages mocking me from an unknown number (likely Text Now or some other app).  It reeked of the narc.  Here is a brief snapshot of the filth.

The Secret Ingredients to Landing a Guy

Nearly four years of being single, with one malevolent narcissist in between, I found out today the secret ingredients to landing a great guy.  My male friend “D” sent me a stream of text messages earlier in a frenzy after finding out the girl he had been dating for the last few months has been seeing two other guys.  He was hurt and upset and furious, as any of us would be – male or female.  But he was particularly pissed because he had just shelled out money for $300 Bruins tickets that he was hoping to surprise her with.  That was his thanks.

Never screw with a woman scorned, they say.  Well, the same goes for men.  All of a sudden, the truth starts coming out about her.  She lives in a sober house.  “What were you thinking?” I say.  The skeletons just keep coming.  Is he insane?  This is the great girl that has stolen his heart.  He has everything going for him, and this is what he settles with.  He puts it perfectly in a text to me below.

And then it all clicked and I realized why I am still single.  Besides refusing to degrade myself by engaging in random hookups, I’m not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic and I actually have a job, an education and a car.

On my last date, I got stuffed with the dinner bill.  And when I dated the narcissist, he would remind me that he bought me and my kids an ice cream cone after I just shelled out $100 to take him and his four kids to dinner just days before.

Then he reminds me, as all my other male friends do when I bitch to them, “This is why all of us guys just bang them and move on to the next.”

So let me get this straight.  This homeless, unlicensed recovering addict has not just one, but THREE boyfriends, all fighting over her and buying her jewelry and NHL playoff tickets.  But, I can’t manage to find someone serious enough to go on a single date.

So what are the secret ingredients?  If you want to land a guy, or two or three, consider the following:

1.        Start snorting, shooting, smoking or swallowing illegal substances.
2.        Quit your job.
3.        Get a DUI so you lose your license.
4.        Spread easier than melted butter on bread.

Time to come up with a new strategy because being normal, decent, and employed makes you “undateable” these days.

Good Riddance to Online Dating: Best Profile Ever

This was my online dating profile about two years ago.  I found it tonight while backing up some old files.  I forgot I had saved it, probably because I knew I’d have a good laugh one day.  I must say, this is probably considered nice compared to what my profile might say today.  I never received so many emails in my life – most were from people thanking me for making them laugh.  But I also got my fair share of hate mail as well.  This helped me grow my block list to over 400.  Enjoy!

July 2012 – Dating profile

CAUTION: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER THE ZONE OF BLUNT TRUTH. So before you proceed, make sure you buckle up and don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. And before you start threatening me or calling me the “c” word or “b” word, as some of you that have read my profile already have, I will report you.

I read profiles every day of men who seem to have their “truth” about women.  Well, let me tell you the truth about men. Still waiting for one to prove me wrong.

1. You claim to be the “real deal” and how fun and exciting you are to be around.  Your life is so full of adventure, and you brag about this amazing life you have, your hobbies, and all the places you have traveled.  Well I haven’t met anyone yet that actually likes to go out and DO SOMETHING FUN. Trying to get any of you to even go to dinner is like pulling teeth. Or you ask to take a woman out then disappear or come up with the lamest excuse at the last minute to cancel. WTF is that about?? Because you have someone else on the back burner who’s a definite score? This is the thing that drives me the most crazy – especially seeing YOU asked ME to go out. Thus, the “one strike” rule. You f*ck up once, you’re out.

2. You say women post pictures that are ten years old when they were a size 6 and then show up weighing 300+ pounds. I purposely posted pictures that are about ten and twenty years old to show you I haven’t changed much. But what about guys? Every guy I have gone on a date with that claims to be 5′ 8″ to 5″10 has lied about their height because I have been taller than every one of you. Or you wear a baseball hat in every picture to disguise the fact that you are losing your hair. And not every women that puts “about average” as their body type is a liar. I truly am about average. I’d put curvy because I actually have tits, hips, and an ass, but “curvy” to a guy translates to “That’s a girl’s nice way of admitting she is an obese pig.”  Yes, if you’re looking for a girl who is a size 2 and a carpenter’s dream, that’s not me, but not all of us lie about our body type.

3. You say you want your “last kiss” or to meet your “princess” – but really, a majority of you just want to get laid. You think if you take a girl to dinner, this entitles you to a blow job in the backseat of your truck. Or because we’ve talked on the phone for a few weeks, I “know you” enough to want to come to your house for a “movie night and cuddling.”  Do I look like I was born yesterday?

4. Women don’t care how big your muscles are and don’t want to hear that you’re hung like a horse. Most guys that post pictures showing their abs or muscles are either full of themselves or have to distract you from the fact that they’re just plain ugly. We don’t care that you have a big **** because the truth is it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. And for all of you who like to brag about how many times you can make a girl come, TRUTH ALERT: most girls fake it!!! They tell me.

5. You say women lie about their situations. And men don’t lie? I have met enough losers and liars to last me a lifetime. I’ve become a human lie detector test. Let’s see…I’ve been lied to about the number of kids you have – and EVEN THE NUMBER OF LIMBS YOU HAVE!!!  Restraining orders, arrests, living in your parent’s basement – I have met many a liar in your gender pool.  It’s not just women who lie.

6. You say you want an independent woman. Well I am as independent as they come and when that’s placed in your lap, you don’t know how to handle it. I’ve been told by guys I am a “lion”, I am “too independent”, and I am “too aggressive.” Why? Because I tell you how it is, because I’m not going to chase you, because I actually have a life and don’t depend on you.

I could go on and on, but I’m saving that for the book I am going to write one day about all these crazy experiences. In the meantime, good luck to you all and good riddance to the crazy world of online dating!

Online Dating: When the Clock Strikes Midnight

In the Cinderella fairy tale, we all know what happens at the stroke of midnight.  If you’re a single woman, midnight on a Saturday has a whole new meaning.  The Houdinis appear. 

And what is a “Houdini” you might ask yourself.  I aptly coined the term in a blog I did two years ago about how online dating is like online fraud.  A Houdini is the guy that wastes weeks, or sometimes months, of your time texting and calling you.  Then one day, he disappears.  It’s like the earth just opened up and swallowed him, and he vanishes off the face of the earth.  In the worst case, and the most confusing Houdini of all, is the one you may have even gone on a couple of dates with – and in the midst of planning a third – they just evaporate into thin air.

The worst part is the confusion.  Did I say something wrong?  Did he think I was fat, unattractive, obnoxious?  Did he start dating someone else?  Is he really married and got caught?  Perhaps he was just looking to get laid and when he realized he wasn’t getting it from me, he bailed.  WHAT DID I SAY OR DO WRONG?  This is the thought process women go through.

But the best thing about a Houdini is they ALWAYS reappear, when you least expect it, like the communication NEVER STOPPED.  Most likely, it’s on a Saturday right before midnight.

I would have only believed the scene last night was from a movie if I hadn’t seen and experienced it myself.  I was out in the city with three of my single girlfriends.  We are relishing the best French fries ever, listening to a great acoustic rock band, and evaluating whether the four guys across the bar are military AND single (and very cute, I might add). The clock is about to strike midnight – and within ten minutes, three of us girls separately get messages from Houdinis.  

The first girl gets a text from a guy she was talking to for a while who suddenly disappeared.  His excuse: He was texting another person he had met a while ago on a dating site that had the same name as her.  He assumed he was texting my friend all along, and only realized ON A SATURDAY at MIDNIGHT that it was the wrong girl.  REALLY GUY??  That has to be the LAMEST excuse I have ever heard.

The second girl gets a text from a guy who has consistently been UP HER ASS for weeks.  As it’s been hard for them to find a suitable time to get together due to their work schedules, he suggested she come visit him at work.  So she finally agrees to come meet him and proposes a time, and he completely disappears.  No more calls, no more texts.  He decides ON A SATURDAY at MIDNIGHT to casually overlook the disappearance and sends her a text, “What are you doing?”  LET ME GUESS.  Just like 90% of other single guys in the world, you suddenly find yourself lonely, and suddenly you want to talk.  Here’s a four letter F word and a middle finger for you.

We were laughing at the irony, and one of the girls sarcastically noted, “They must be looking for a Saturday night booty call.”  Her phone is blowing up…her guy is on his fourth text message to her.  I picked up my phone, and the third Houdini appears.  A guy I haven’t talked to in MONTHS.  So I said, “Screw this.  Time to mess with some guys.” 

I told him I was in bed with my man of the week who just happened to be a member of the Taliban and proceeded to send him a picture of some random guy with a long bushy beard.  He responds, “Well sorry to bother you pretty lady!  Take care of yourself and be well!”  So I get serious and ask who it is. The conversation goes like this:

Guy:  It’s (name).  We met a couple months ago and lost touch.  Just wanted to see how you were doing. 

Commentary:  Really?  You care how I am.  Would it have anything to do with the fact that it is 11:46 on a Saturday night?

He sends his picture as a reminder, and one of the girls makes a comment that he is very cute.  And I say, “Yeah and there’s a hundred more where he came from.”

Me:  I was obviously being silly, but I deleted you from my phone because I figured you weren’t interested.

Guy:  Well put me back in if you want.  It would be nice to get to know you.

Commentary:  Hello, I know I am only one of about 50 other girls in your phone you just sent that same message to in hopes of having someone in your bed tonight other than the usual Mary Palmer and her five friends.  I appreciate your disingenuous attempt at pretending to care how I have been doing, but I think I will add you to my block list, thank you.

So that’s my story and I am sticking to it.  There isn’t enough blog space to write about all the Houdinis I’ve met in the last three years.  But it’s just part of the wild world of being single in the 21^st century.  My single friends are starting to appreciate the value of my callousness when it comes to dating and finding the humor in it all.  You learn that you can’t take it personally because if you do, you might as well just join the convent. 

Just as Valentine’s Day is a gold mine for greeting card makers, every Saturday night at just around midnight, cell phone companies are raking in profits from the data usage charges from millions of drunk or lonely men sending multiple text messages in search of a booty call.

Plenty of Fun with POF: Shooting Fish in a Barrel

The playing field in the dating world is hardly equal.  It’s as unfair as if the Bad News Bears were to play my World Champion Boston Red Sox (GO SOX!). 

Poor “Mike” is having no luck.  Actually he got two emails today, and one was from a cute 29 year old blonde who would seemingly have potential.  She is a very natural girl with a warm smile and is just having fun in her pics – no cleavage showing, no pouty fish lips, and no selfies in the bathroom. 

For “Elizabeth” on the other hand, after getting the inbox down to under 40 emails, she didn’t go on for two days and she had 107 new emails.  THIS IS CRAZY!! 

Elizabeth is working it.  For her, dating is like shooting fish in a barrel.  For those of you that don’t know that saying, Wikipedia defines it as “an effortless or simple action, with guaranteed success.”  She could have a date every night of the week for at least the next month if she accepted every proposal she got to go out for coffee, dinner, or really anything she wants.  Here is a typical proposal from “Jeff” – a handsome, 36 year old engineer.

This is too easy.  All Elizabeth has to do is sit back and wait for the invitations to come to her.  NO EFFORT REQUIRED.  Mike is sweating, starting to question why he’s not good enough.  Does he need to be as aggressive as the guys pursing Elizabeth and just ask them out or drop their number before hello?  Is this the online reality for guys?

So I decide Elizabeth is going to put in some effort to see if SHE is the pursuer, what will be the result? I do a search as if I were looking for someone for myself – if I were online, what guy would I email?  I find him with a little effort.  A 38 years old, IT guy, 6’ 1”, nice full head of dark hair, great teeth.  My type any day of the week.  I am going to be aggressive so I shoot him a quick note.

Within SIX EMAILS, he asks me to dinner.  I pursued HIM.  I was hoping he would make this a little hard for me.  So I decide I’m going to push the envelope.  Dinner isn’t good enough, I want something better.  I have always wanted to go in a hot air balloon so I throw it out there. 

He says, “We can do that.”  ARE YOU KIDDING???  FISH IN BARREL FOLKS!  I even point out that it’s expensive, but he’s willing to go. 

Am I missing something?  Has something changed in the online dating world in the last six months?  I have never seen anything like it before.  I don’t ever remember guys being this aggressive.  Is the competition that tough?  I know it’s not because I’m that much of a prize.  Poor Mike is just going to have to get on his game and whip out the plastic if he stands a chance.  I feel immense sympathy for men for the sheer effort they have to put in.

Imagine what I could do to this 26 year old below.  He’d be scarred for life. 

Plenty of Fun with POF: Guys Have it Tough

When my male friend asked me to blog about online dating from the guy’s point of view, I thought what better way than to set up a profile of a guy and see for myself.  I have started to blog on this topic to show what women go through.  But now I’m representing the males out there.  So ladies, pay attention to what I have to say!

Let me start off by saying I already have a newfound appreciation for men and what they go through – and I have barely even started.  The action of guys online: picture tumbleweeds blowing in the desert.  Whereas my female profile got 119 emails in 12 hours, and the emails are still coming in like waves, my male profile only had 2 emails in 12 hours.  A lousy 2 emails…WHAT??

I was very careful in choosing the guy I wanted to be.  I approached an acquaintance on Facebook who I knew from mutual friends has NO problem getting the ladies when they go out.  He’s an absolute cutie, very clean cut and dresses well.  In fact, I had a hard time finding pictures on his Facebook page to use because he had a swarm of pretty girls on him in most.  He agreed to let me use his pictures for my experiment, and I made him into every woman’s dream.

The profile: His name is Mike, a 32 year old general contractor, no kids.  He likes to watch sports, snowboard, and race fast cars.  A real “man’s man” who works with his hands, but still likes to cook and is hoping to “make memories with that one special someone.” 

C’mon this guy is like a dream come true for most girls – and being it that I wrote his profile, he can even spell and construct proper paragraphs.  So how did the “male me” only get two emails??!!??

If the emails were from women to write home about, it wouldn’t have been so bad.  But one of them had purple hair and more pictures of her tattoos than she did of herself.  So I said to myself, “It looks like I’m going to have to make the effort here.” 

I started scrolling through profiles.  I decided “Mike” was going to pursue your every day average girl at first to just see the kind of response he would get.  So I start throwing out emails to see who bites.  I actually read the profiles and send messages alluding to something in their profile to let them know I pay attention.  For me, this was important when I had a profile because it showed me that the guy actually took the time to read what I had to say and come up with something more original than just “hi” or “beautiful.”

I send out about 30 emails, and get four responses.  I’m not impressed.  Wow, guys really need to work hard here.  As a female, when I would send out five emails, I would always at a minimum go 4 out of 5.  So I was with one of my male friends yesterday, and I confirm with him that it is hard for guys.  He said, “See, I tell you this all the time.  Women are impossible.  Their expectations are way too high.  Guys have to send out at least 50 emails to get a couple of bites.”  He’s got a point, but then drives it home even further when he says, “And then we are expected to pay.”

So while I understand that guys have it tough, I also know that any reasonably attractive girl is getting BOMBARDED as I’ve already demonstrated in my previous blog. So there are two sides to the story, but girls definitely have the advantage here.

But are women’s expectations too high?  I am beginning to think so. 

One woman I emailed was a reasonably attractive 40-something year old.  I showed her to my friend, Jay, and he confirmed, “Her face is a little tired, but I would definitely take her out” (and he said do other things to her, but this is not an X-rated blog).  In her profile, she states that she likes a guy to be at least 5’ 9” because she likes to wear heels.  Well Mike is 5’ 9” so I thought I’d give it a shot.  Even as a woman, I am thinking in my head this lady is going to eat up the attention of a guy that is cute AND ten years younger.  I couldn’t have been more wrong. Here is an excerpt of the conversation below.

I am starting to concede that guys have it tough.  I’ll be back to report on the male perspective again – and you won’t believe what I have to say next.  Team Elizabeth or Team Mike – I have to say there is no competition.  Mike, and all the other single guys of this world, definitely got their work cut out for them.  I have only just started to dabble in the world of online dating for men.  But as a woman, I am even beginning to ask, “What DO girls really want?”  Stay tuned.

Plenty of Fun with POF: Yellow Roses and Spongebob

After deleting over half of the 119 messages I received on my POF profile, I opened it up this morning to find my inbox filled with 151 emails.  This is crazy – but so much fun!!  I love not being myself.  But this gives you a glimpse into what it’s like for a typical woman on these sites. 

My friend recently posted one of those e-cards on my Facebook which said, “I like you enough to temporarily take down my online dating profile.”  I asked her why she posted that on my wall, and she said, “Because you always take your profile down.”  Well folks, this is why.  It’s too much work to sift through 150 profiles and emails to find three or four people interesting and attractive enough to you. 

I collected more than 20 phone numbers today, without asking.  Two guys cut formalities altogether and just told me to text them and readily handed it out.  It’s almost like trick or treating for phone numbers, but you don’t even have to walk around the neighborhood and knock on doors to get the candy. 

Guy Tip 2:  Don’t give your phone number out so readily. It makes you look TOTALLY desperate, and it’s a big turnoff.

I decided today I was going to be a gold digger.  Randomly asking guys where they are going to take me, how much they’re willing to spend, etc.  If a guy asked me out for coffee, I told him I would only consider going out with him if he brought me to a five-star restaurant and he had to send me three options so I could have my choice.  I’m also working on yellow roses and a condo on the beach right now.  I’m continuing to push the needle. Here is an example of one of those conversations.  And note before reading, these are the best of the bunch – very cute, nice profile, good job.

Then there is my favorite guy of the day who I was giving the most ridiculous responses to anything he said.  I read his reply to me this morning and he is THE FUNNIEST IDIOT I have ever seen.  You’re going to love him too…WHAT IS HE SAYING??

 

I got “hi” guy from yesterday going…that will be a great report for you tomorrow.  Until then, enjoy the conversation.

 

Plenty of Fun with POF

Before social media, Facebook and dating sites, we had Tommy Grand and the show Cheaters.  I was a faithful viewer of the white trash TV show and loved to watch the look on the cheater’s face as he or she got caught on national television being a lying, deceptive scum bag.  Today, we have the power of the Internet to do what Tommy Grand did – and we can do it right from the comforts of the couch in our pajamas.

Between my line of work and my online dating experiences, I scare myself sometimes with what I can find online or the clever ideas I use to find out what I want when I can’t find it on the Internet.  I have a good friend who is a director of security at a large retailer and a certified “ethical hacker” who was confident he could find something on my ex-narcissist that I had not been able to.  Well, as he came back with information, I said, “Already knew that one” to which he replied, “You’re pretty good.” 

After my recent blog about the plethora of people who are engaged or married but still have an online dating profile, I got a private message from a friend on Facebook asking me to help her.  She thought a guy who she was dating was going on Plenty of Fish because she thought she saw the app open on his phone one day.  She wasn’t sure, but said he had been “acting different” and becoming distant so she thought he might be seeing other people.  Fake profile time, I told her.  I gave her permission to use my pictures (she lives an airplane ride away so he will never know) and told her to create a profile.  So let’s have some fun with this. 

The profile:  My name is Elizabeth, and I am a 33 year old special education teacher with one child.  I like camping, dancing and roller coasters, and I am “looking to meet someone who will constantly challenge me to be the best person I can be.”  BARF!!

So while my friend is off trying to catch a cheater, I thought I’d have some fun with my fake profile to offer yet another glimpse into the world of online dating.  First, a note to the guys who read this blog:  the competition is tough for you out there.  I am far from a supermodel, but in just 12 hours, my profile got 119 emails, 92 people checked that they wanted to Meet Me (a POF feature similar to the “wink” feature on Match that people use to flirt or let you know they’re interested), and 56 people added me as a Favorite.  This is exactly why I never lasted more than two weeks on POF when I did have a real profile.

I just checked the inbox last night and started reading profiles of people I will never meet and deleting some of the emails.  For every one I would delete, two more would come in.  The age range of potential dates from what I have looked at so far is HUGE – from 23 to 55 years old.  Obviously the best looking ones grab my attention first.  My plan is to be as silly and flirty as possible and just see where the conversations go. 

GUY TIP 1:  Be more original than just saying “hi”

Seriously, I got 119 emails in 12 hours!  You need to be more original. Write something witty, thoughtful, or fun to grab the girl’s attention.  Every other email I opened just said “hi” so I decided that for every email which only had that one word, I was going to respond with the word “low” to see how a guy would respond.  Here is an example of one conversation (LADIES, THIS GUY WAS SUPER CUTE).

I’m also having fun by bringing out my flirty side to see what it takes for a conversation to turn bad or inappropriate.  I posted on this topic last week in DEFENSE OF GUYS because sometimes girls ask for it and then complain when all men want is sex so I wanted to test the waters here.  Here is an example of one conversation below (A VERY CUTE ARMY CAPTAIN, LADIES).

Let me go sift through the POF rubble some more.  I hope to find something interesting to report back again here soon (and hopefully, it’s not a cheating boyfriend).

The Truth Behind Tinder: Hookup Heaven

A good male friend “Greg” recently told me that his buddy went on a spree to see how many girls he could “hit” on POF in 30 days.  The final count: 28.  For those of you that are married or in a relationship, your first instinct would probably be to call bullshit.  But folks, this is the wild world of online dating, and sadly, this is a true story.  There is no discrimination on dating sites – they come in all shapes, sizes, and status. 

And this is why I love Tinder.  On Match.com, I would have to pay for a monthly subscription to deal with a bunch of guys who portray themselves as one thing when really all they’re looking for is to get into a girl’s pants.  On POF or OK Cupid, it is free, but I would have to spend the time filling out a bunch of useless information that 95% of potential dates don’t read anyway.  They don’t care about my relationship intentions, my level of education, or my hobbies.  All they care about, “Could I have sex with this girl without having to put my beer goggles on?”

Tinder is 100% honest and requires no effort other than downloading the app.  It’s like a candy store of men and women just waiting for their “matches.”  You get a few pictures, and then you click yes or no.  Simple – and I love it.  While you run the risk of getting many matches that are looking solely for a hookup, at least you don’t have the pretense of other dating sites with someone claiming to be seeking a relationship when that is not their true intention (unless you insert the word “sexual” before relationship or “with you and many others” after relationship).

I’ve only been experimenting with this for just over two weeks, and I don’t have enough fingers and toes on my body to count the number of men I have matched with who are just looking for fun while “on business” or “just out of a relationship” or any other innuendo you can think of to say, “I just want someone to spread their legs.”  But it’s real, and it’s open, and it’s candid which I totally appreciate at this point. Here is one example of those conversations with a guy I will refer to as “Daniel”, a nice looking, 35 year old financial professional:

For just one month, I wish I could lose every moral and value my mother ever taught me, think like a guy, and have empty, meaningless sex with attractive strangers.  Do you know how many MAD HOT guys I have turned away in the last two weeks because our intentions are not aligned?  BUT I TOTALLY DIG THE HONESTY on here versus Match, POF or OKC where I find everyone to be FOS (full of shit).  So if you’re looking for casual sex, but don’t want to invest a lot of effort, I highly recommend Tinder.  It is a hookup heaven.  One of my male BFFs validates it after sharing a series of X-rated conversations with me that he has had with women he met through the app.

There is a bright side though.  I have started some conversations with people who are actually interested in going out.  This is no guarantee that they are thinking something will happen at the end of the night (trust me, it won’t), but it’s all a chance you take.  I was tasked with planning an adventure for next Saturday with a seemingly normal guy I’ve been talking with so time to go find something fun to do.  Suggestions are welcome.

Online Dating: To Block or Not to Block

WARNING: Real conversations with the American online dating population enclosed.  Enter at your own risk.

I swear the BLOCK button on online dating sites was the best feature ever invented.  When I had a profile on POF, my block list grew to over 400+.  All I ever heard from my friends was how harsh I was and didn’t give anyone a chance.  Well, it’s been great listening to my single girlfriends lately complain to ME about all the aggravation they are dealing with from online dating.  All I’ve heard myself saying to them the last few weeks is, “I know” – been there, done that. 

I set several rules for myself over the last three years I have been dating.  It’s very simple…one strike and you’re out.  Talk dirty, and you’re blocked.  Call me sexy, and you’re blocked.  Disappear on me and then try contacting me again, you’re blocked.  You get the idea.

But some girls are just plain stupid.  Remember, I have good male friends who date online and tell me EVERYTHING.  They always say girls complain to them that guys send them cock shots.  HELLO, GUYS DON’T JUST SEND COCK SHOTS UNLESS YOU ASK FOR IT.  I have NEVER EVER received a cock shot, and trust me, I have talked to and gone out on dates with more guys than I can even count.  I only ever received it from the one guy (I mean narcissist) I have dated in the last three years, but it was after we had been dating for months.  Big difference.

So let’s see why girls get cock shots.  Here is an example of a screenshot a conversation one of Jay’s female friends received from a guy on Tinder. 

Now here is my conversation with Jay discussing it.  GEE, I WONDER WHY SHE GOT A COCK SHOT.  YOU GIVE THE GUY YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AFTER HE TELLS YOU HE WANTS YOU TO CUM AND SQUIRT ON HIS FACE.  WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU EXPECT??

So anyhow, that’s that.  But as for me being harsh, here is a guy I blocked recently.  Why?  Because three sentences in, he already seems to know me so well and knows we are going to have this amazing connection if we meet.  This guy has TOTAL TOOL BAG written all over him.  BLOCK!!  Harsh or not…you be the judge.