Has Online Dating Become Prostitution?

They say prostitution is the oldest profession in the world.  But I think prostitutes might have to reinvent their business model due to some stiff competition from dating sites.

I’ve blogged previously about dating sites and apps mostly being hookup heavens for guys just looking to dump a quick load. This is the TRUTH people.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s a free site or app like Tinder and POF, or a paid site like Match.com and eHarmony, there is no shortage of women ready to have sex with any guy who gives them a little attention.

But here’s the thing:  most women on these sites are nothing more than prostitutes. And I’m not talking degenerates.  I’m talking your school teachers, engineers, and the single girl who sits next to you in the office.  Actually, they are worse than prostitutes because at least hookers get paid.

No wonder why it is impossible to find any guy capable of serious dating.  Why would they want to settle for sex with just one woman when there are hundreds more right at their fingertips?  With a simple swipe, any reasonably attractive guy can have 50 matches in a matter of minutes.  And with little effort, there is a 100% chance that if they are bored and horny on a Friday or Saturday night, at least ten of those 50 women will “meet for a drink” – and more.

I am not making assumptions here.  I know from firsthand experience as well as insight from several male friends.  Let’s just use Tinder as an example because that is the most well-known dating app for hookups.  Besides the plethora of married men and swingers out there, 90% of men that I have matched with and actually started conversations with come right out and say they just want to fuck.  Well let me rephrase that.  They actually say, “I’m just out of a relationship so I’m not looking for anything serious” which is essentially code for I just want a free ride.

And no, I am not a prude!!  I think among my own gender pool, you are killing it for us!  Just like men, women are also entitled to have a one-night stand or a wild romp with a hot stranger they met online or at the local bar.  And women should be allowed to do it without being judged.  BUT NOT ALL THE TIME!

For those of you who have been humped and dumped more than three times in the last year and sit there saying guys suck and scratch your head wondering why they never call you again.  I have only one question: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Where has self-respect gone?  Last I checked, most marriages and long-term relationships did not begin with a one-night stand.

I appreciate when a guy is just candid with me and states his intentions upfront.  However, every once in a while, you run across the random douche bag who either has absolutely no game or has had so many “play dates” that he thinks every woman is a hooker.

One particular guy I talked to a while ago had it coming to him when he met me.  A normal conversation ensues and then I asked him what he was looking for to which he responded, “I’d love to meet a cool girl to hang with and see where it goes.”  Ok, that’s a perfect response.  But the next text to come blows my mind, “We should meet up.  Maybe you can come to my house and we can watch a movie and talk more.”

I am thoroughly aggravated as I can’t believe this guy is for real.  Does he REALLY think I’m that stupid?  So I decided I was just going to have some fun with him.

patrick 1

Ok, I seriously can’t believe this guy.  “I don’t think I ever said anything about that.”  Is it April Fool’s Day?  C’mon dude.  So I called one of my guy friends and asked him to give me a witty response so he told me to tell the guy I wanted to watch a porn movie.  I said, even better yet, male porn.  So I give a complete asshole response thinking the guy is going to just block me at this point, but he actually responds!

patrick 2

I am convinced that one of the biggest problems with finding a man who is willing to settle down is because many single women today lack standards.  The general female population has lowered their expectations.  Guys will try to go there after one or maybe two dates.  But we have the right to a two-letter word, “No!”  Most babies learn it by the time they turn one.  Let’s all learn it and repeat it to ourselves over and over.  Any guy who is serious will respect your boundaries and still call you the next day.  If he doesn’t, you will know your answer.  You simply were nothing more to him than a warm hole for the night.

As for the guys out there, you are definitely not off the hook either.  I hope you do recognize that the last girl who banged you in the first three hours of knowing you – there were probably five others that have been there in the last month.  She really wasn’t a challenge, and I pray she is blowing up your phone calling you an asshole.

My final response to the tool bag before I blocked him.

patrick 3

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Online Dating Diaries: When the Douche Comes Back

I have a very good friend who has been living the online dating dream with me the last few months.  She’s starting to become an expert at this in her own right, but every once in a while, I am still able to offer her a new insight.  “You were so right,” she’ll say.  I love hearing those words.

One recent insight I gave her was about a guy she had been on a date with where everything was great, including the chemistry.  Then the guy stopped texting her.  She was confused, but based on everything she had told me, I said, “Don’t worry, he will come back.”  And soon enough, he came back.  You know, the standard “Sorry I’ve been out of touch, just been SO busy.”

I told her to also expect the occasional random number to text her out of the blue.  You know, the guy you deleted from your phone three months ago who randomly texts you, “Hey, how’s it going?” and you’re saying to yourself, “Who the fuck is this?”  Well, that happened to her too.

It’s one of the truths about online dating I have come to realize:  many guys will come back.  Out of the blue, at random times, when you least expect it.  In fantasy land, a woman wants to believe that the guy is reconnecting because he is actually interested in her after all.  Maybe he went on a few dates with some not so great girls and said to himself, “That girl from a couple months ago was actually pretty cool.  Maybe I’ll see what she’s up to.”  It can happen, but don’t hold your breath.

REALITY CHECK:  They are coming back because they are bored and there are no other available options, or more likely, they are looking to get laid.  By pretending to actually CARE how you are doing, they hope you won’t be able to read through their disingenuous attempt at casual conversation.

So imagine my surprise when my douche of the century appeared out of nowhere after TWO MONTHS.   On the Hot Douche Scale, this guy was a solid 9.5.  It was probably safe to assume he’d fall into the Run Like Hell category, but in my dream world, I held out hope that he’d at least make it to the Dating Zone.

I connected with him instantly in one conversation prior to our date.  He said he had taken six months off from dating after getting out of a bad relationship.  I totally respected that as many people on the dating scene take NO TIME in between relationships for themselves to heal in a healthy way.  In fact, one recent date told me he had just ended a 5 year relationship three weeks prior.  He was a super awesome guy, and I gave him some parting advice, “Do yourself a favor and go have some fun.”

Now back to the douche.  This guy was an A+ in my book going in.  And when we met, the chemistry was instant.  Dinner was great, conversation was great.  We decided to take a walk along the river after dinner.  I had it in my head that I was totally going to make out with this guy.  I was even bold and said to him, “You know I’m totally making out with you.”  His hands were trying to go in places that were off limits which I quickly pushed away each time.  I can’t blame a guy for trying.  But within less than ten minutes, the mood changed in a mere instant when he said, “Can I get a blow job?”  My exact response, “Fuck no!”

This guy gets totally pissed and the conversation goes exactly like this:

Guy:  What you’re doing isn’t fair.  What you’re doing is actually worse than if you slept with a guy on the first date.

Me: Since when can’t you just make out and have fun.  I didn’t know that getting you off was a requirement.

Then he spewed the words that will be etched in my brain for eternity.  “If nothing is going to happen between us, then you can just bring me back to my car.”

So that was it.  Over, finished, done, finito, caput, done.  He went from an A+ to an F in less than three seconds.  My fantasy man turned complete cock sucker drove off, and I closed the chapter on that one.

Well, not really because HE CAME BACK.  He is THE LAST MAN I thought would ever reach out again.  He was long deleted from my phone when I got the infamous, “Hi, how are you?”  The actual conversation is below.

date comes back

 

Now to answer the ever confusing question:  Why do they come back?  You know why he came back.  I flat out asked him what he wanted.  He offered to bring a bottle of wine to my house, and we could “relax and watch a movie.”  TRUE STORY!!!  I obviously declined and he obviously tried to say he was just kidding.  But I have not heard from him again.

So the next time you get a random text from a phone number you don’t recognize, do not be fooled into thinking they really care how you are.  You are just one of many other random girls who received the same spam.  He is just looking to get laid – and you’re a fool if you give him the satisfaction.

The Hot Douche Scale: A Dating Assessment Tool for Women

I watched an insanely funny video last week which showed a man white boarding the “hot crazy” scale of women.  In the video, he describes what to expect depending on where a woman falls on the scale in terms of her attractiveness and craziness.  I laughed so hard because what he states in the video is largely true.  But it also inspired me to create the Hot Douche Scale for men.  Based on his assessment of women on the scale, I created my own evaluation tool for the opposite sex.  I highly recommend all single women use it.

Below is a graphical illustration of the Hot Douche Scale along with a brief description of potential suitors depending on where they fall within the matrix.  At the bottom of the scale lies the traditional measurement of hotness on a scale of one to ten.  And on the side of the scale – the y axis – we measure the level of douche.  As the guy in the video states there is no woman less than a 4 crazy, I am convinced there is no guy less than a 4 douche.  In the middle lies the douche line.

hot douche scale

 

Do Not Date Zone.  This is an obvious.  We simply don’t date anyone less than a 5 hot in our personal judgment (Note however, if this were a guy writing this blog, he would likely state any woman within this zone might qualify after a 12 pack and a couple shots of tequila).

Run Like Hell Zone.   This zone is reserved for guys above a 5 hot and above the douche line.  These are your guys who have more pictures of their abs than of their face.  Guys with neck tattoos.  Guys who wear baseball hats to the side.  Guys with nothing but crazy exes.  Guys who say “heyyyyyyyyy.”  Guys who address you as beautiful, princess, sweetie, or some other term of endearment in an initial introduction.  Guys with a profile that runs as long as a college term paper listing their accomplishments and why they are so awesome.  Among this group, you are likely to find a guy who has restraining orders on him from all those crazy exes, has little or nothing to offer, and is mainly seeking to hump and dump you.  As the category states, RUN LIKE HELL.

Free Meal Zone.  These are guys that are between a 5 and 8 hot and below the douche line.  They are often great guys.  Problems you’re likely to encounter here are they just aren’t as hot in person as they are in their pictures, or they are two weeks out of a long-term relationship and just looking for attention.  These ones you chalk up to what I call “free meals” – great guys where the attraction is simply lacking or your minds and intentions are on two entirely different planes.

Dating Zone.  The Dating Zone is very similar on the Hot Douche Scale as it is on the Hot Crazy Scale.  Guys here are between an 8 and 10 hot, and about a 7 douche.  The guys in this zone offer all the right ingredients and have the potential to move on to the husband zone if they haven’t been too emotionally damaged.  But I think a lot of guys get caught up in the Dating Zone and can never move past it.  They have a series of relationships that typically last six months to three years, but they are not fully capable of entering the Husband Zone for a number of reasons.

Husband Zone.  The Husband Zone is a guy who is between an 8 and 10 hot, and only a 5 to 6 on the douche scale.  He is actually capable of having a healthy, long-term relationship.  You can tell his potential early on if he isn’t trying to get you to sext within five minutes of exchanging phone numbers, will call you even if you do NOT fuck him on the first date, and actually asks you questions and takes an active interest in your life.  I’m almost convinced this zone is reserved only for television and romance novels, but I still hold a faint glimmer of hope that attempt 75 might yield me my dream guy.  I think I’m almost there.

Leprechaun Zone.  This is a guy that is between an 8 and 10 hot and about a 4 douche.  Just like this woman doesn’t exist, neither does this man.  You are more likely to find a leprechaun and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow than a man that meets this criteria.

Gay Zone.  Then finally there is the guy that is above an 8 hot and below a 4 douche.  They are our gay best friends.  They actually know how to treat a woman like a woman and understand how a woman feels, but the problem is they don’t find us attractive (well, in the sense that counts anyway).

Finally, while the inventor of the Hot Crazy Scale states that his matrix is not like a pie chart showing an actual depiction of the number of potential women who fall into each of the categories, I do beg to differ as it pertains to the Hot Douche scale.  The tiny sliver of scale that encompasses the Husband Zone is an actual depiction of how many potential men are capable of giving us lasting love.

And bitches, move over.  I have waited in line long enough.  My train is coming next.

Top Ten Lines to Guarantee No Second Date

It is always hard to do the letdown after a first date.  I’ve had to do it on a few occasions, and I have had it done to me.  Most men will just not respond if they’re not interested (which drives a woman NUTS, by the way.  Grow some balls and just let her down easy).  But if you know instantly you just don’t like her when you meet and want to have a little fun with her, here is a list of top ten statements I have pulled from my personal dating diaries that you can use to guarantee there will never be a second date.

TOP TEN LINES TO GUARANTEE NO SECOND DATE

10. I knew I shouldn’t have gone on any dates while I was trying to quit smoking because I am very irritated for no reason.

9.  Why would you order that steak if you weren’t going to eat the whole thing?  You can’t waste that.  I’ll bring it home for my dog.

8.  The last girl I met brought me to a house party which turned out to be a swinger party.  Hold on, let me show you some of the pictures.

7.  If I could put a hit out on my ex-wife and not get caught, I wouldn’t think twice about doing it.

6.  You have really nice toes.  Can I suck them later?

5.  Have you ever tried judo?  There is this great move where you put your foot in my groin and flip me over.  The pressure from your foot actually feels really good.

4.  I’m sorry to be rude, but that’s my ex-girlfriend who keeps calling and she’s not going to stop unless I get it.

3. Don’t worry, those aren’t track marks on my arm.

2. If we are just going to make out and nothing is going to happen, you can just bring me back to my car.

And the number one line to guarantee no second date…

1. My ex-wife had the best pussy.

 

 

Best Male Online Dating Profile: The Men Speak

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to represent the single guys out there so I am posting excerpts from one of the best male online dating profiles I have seen to date.   The short story behind it is I actually went on a date with this guy around Halloween time last year.  We recently reconnected, and I mentioned how I had started blogging about the crazy world of dating today.  I mentioned my blog on the best dating profile I had ever put up, and he said he did something similar.  So with his permission, I am reposting parts of his recent profile (with my commentary, of course).  Here is an excerpt:

The Top Ten Things I Dislike

  1. Group pictures. If you need to constantly surround yourself with a group of friends for security.  Never mind, it’s just confusing.

Commentary: I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting pictures with a group of friends, as long as you have pictures of just you alone so someone can tell who you are in the group picture.  But I do understand this as I will just pass by a profile that has multiple people in every picture.  I don’t have time to try to figure out which one you are, but more than likely, you are the ugly one.

  1. Kids pictures.  I’m sure your kids are great, and I love kids.  But it’s exploitive.

Commentary:  I disagree here.  I’ve put pictures with my kids.  It is my way of telling someone, “This is who I am.  I come with two kids, so if you don’t like kids, I’m not interested.”  For me, it’s also my way of saying to a potential date that I am a mother, and I expect the same level of respect as you would give to your own mother.

  1. Duck faces.  If you’re posing with the duck face, you are probably not old enough to play Saved by the Bell or 90210 trivia with me.

Commentary:  What is it with women and the duck face pictures?  You don’t look sexy, you look stupid.

  1. Pictures with other guys in it.   I will assume your date is chaperoned.

Commentary:  It depends on the situation. I don’t think this is a big deal, unless every picture is in a bar with her holding a beer in her hand and there are five guys surrounding her.  That speaks to a man, “I am a drunk barfly and love attention.”

  1. Pictures in your bathing suit.  I like a little mystery.  I have a daughter and I wouldn’t want her exploiting her body this way.

Commentary:  I totally agree.  The women who post sexy pictures on a dating site are the same women who complain when guys talk dirty or say suggestive things to them.  If you don’t want to be disrespected, cover up!

  1. Pictures with no smile.  I had a date once with a girl who didn’t smile in a single picture.  We were a lot alike, except my dental plan allowed me to keep all my teeth.

Commentary: I totally agree.  Teeth are very important.  I think it is the first thing most people look at and says a lot about how someone takes care of themselves.  But from the women’s perspective, I hate it when guys wear baseball hats in every picture to disguise the fact they are losing their hair.  If you are going bald or are bald, don’t hide it.  Some women love bald.  But don’t list yourself as having brown hair when you literally have a SINGLE hair.

  1. People who point out spelling mistakes.  I am fully capable of distinguishing between their, they’re and there, and two, too, and to in a sentence, but don’t care if you are.  Different people are good at different things.

Commentary:  I disagree.  Yes, we all make errors.  Or that darn spell check incorrectly corrects you.  However, I am big on proper grammar as I think it speaks volumes about a person and their intelligence.  A mistake here and there can be overlooked, but consistently misspelling words or using big words out of context to look smart is a huge turnoff.

  1. Pill heads and alcoholics.  Bottom line, you can’t be trusted.

Commentary: Self-explanatory.

  1. Stuck up people.  I’d rather hang around with the po than the stuck up.  Money doesn’t equal class.

Commentary: Self-explanatory once again.  However, this can be tricky because as a woman, I didn’t work hard and get to where I am to let some poor ass leach off me.  I once went on a date with a guy who bragged about his half million dollar house, jet ski, boat, his daughter’s $10,000 private school tuition, and picked me up in his $50,000 truck – then let me pay for dinner.  Or the one and only degenerate I dated seriously in the last four years who would brag about buying himself $700 fishing boots and then conveniently forget his debit card when we went out (unless the IRS seized his bank account again).  You get the point though.

  1. Chain restaurants.  I think they are for the unenlightened and are killing the independent restaurant industry.  The only exception is taking your kids to one because talking animals are awesome.

Commentary:  I totally love this one.

So in honor of all you awesome single dads out there, Happy Father’s Day – and may you all find true love one day.

Dating Diaries: Kung Fu Master

I was having lunch with a long-time friend and his teenage son yesterday.  He was telling his son about my adventures in dating and said, “You have to tell him the story about the Kung Fu guy.  That was my favorite story ever.”  I completely forgot about Kung Fu guy, but when I tell the story, you’ll wonder how COULD you forget.

The Kung Fu Master, oh yes.  He was one of the very first guys I ever talked to when I started dating.  He was 34, no kids and owned a painting company.  He was quite handsome and seemed just like the average guy you picture drinking a few beers and yelling at the TV when a bad call is made on a Sunday football game.

I got a bad taste in my mouth right away.  The first time we talked on the phone, I learned he grew up in the area and we had several mutual people in common.  He knew a few girls that I hung around with in junior high and high school, and at the mention of their names, he said, “Oh, so you were part of the bitch crowd.”  Um, okay.

Then I mentioned a guy who I was close with from playing sports as a kid.  In fact, I played Pop Warner football with him and his dad was our coach.  He was my first childhood crush.  Wrong name to mention because this guy became angry and said how this guy bullied him throughout high school and if he ever saw him today, he’d “knock his teeth down his throat” for all the torture he caused him growing up.  Okay, so this is apparently not going well.

Now to the best part…

He wants to take me out, and while I am hesitant after our phone conversation, I give him a chance and ask him what he has in mind.  He asked me if I ever tried judo.  I said no.  He seems surprised that I never tried it, and he suggested we do it on our first date.  I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having that kind of close physical contact with someone I didn’t know.  But he insisted, “You’ll love it.”

So then he proceeds to tell me (GET READY FOR THIS) that the best part of judo was this certain move that would involve me putting my foot into his groin and flipping him over.  He went into this whole thing about how the pressure feels great.  Oh my, it’s like one of those moments you never forget.  I remember where I was when the Challenger blew up, or when 9/11 happened, or when Saddam was captured.  And now I had Kung Fu guy to add to that list.

I remember EXACTLY where I was and who I was with.  I remember saying aloud, “Put my foot in your groin?  Are you some kind of sick fuck?”  My friend and I had our boys and were heading to the Lego store with them at that very moment.  I remember her looking at me and she said, “Hang the phone up now.”  She didn’t even know who I was talking to or any details about this guy.  She had only been listening to bits of my conversation with him and was completely dumbfounded.  I was in so much shock I didn’t know what to do so I just hung up on him in mid-sentence.

He kept trying to call me back.  I would not answer.  Then the text bombing started.  Then he left me a two minute voice mail. This guy was NOT going to go away so I decided I’d give him a polite response.  In his voice mail, he insisted how he was being dead serious and not trying to be kinky.  So I graciously responded, “Perhaps I mistook what you were saying not being familiar with judo, but I just don’t think this is going to work out.  Good luck.”

He still would NOT go away.  I finally had to block him online and on my phone.

So yes, that is my experience with the Kung Fu Master.  He definitely deserves the honor of Top Freak.

Dating Diaries: The Phantom Professional

If there were ever a dating profile that screamed, “I am a big douche bag” with flashing neon lights, this one was it.  It was his sheer cockiness that drew me in.  And it was not the attraction that normally draws you to someone, but rather the pure challenge of being able to knock this guy off his high horse.  He was a professional with a Master’s degree which made it all the more enticing.  Any other day of the week, I would have scoffed at this guy and thought “LOSER” – but I thought at the least I’d have some fun.

It ultimately got to the point of exchanging numbers.  Specifically referring to his profile about how he wants to meet someone as “good looking” as he was, I got bold one day and said, “So when are we going to meet to see who is better looking?”  So he then asked for my phone number.  I told him right up front my impression of him.

phantom 1

I gave this guy shit for days, trying to push his buttons.  One of my friends at work was reading through the conversation and laughing hysterically.  She said, “I love how you are just abusing this guy and he keeps coming back for more.”  He seemed to love it.

phantom 2

I found out what he did for work, and he had a very respectable job.  I was trying to inadvertently dig for little pieces of information to figure out who he really was.  This is usually VERY EASY for me as my career is centered on protecting people from identity theft scams.  So as far as finding out information, I know how to get it and where to look.  I see the best con artists out there on the Internet every day.  With that said, this guy was tough, and I couldn’t figure out who he was.

Now you must note, I told him what I do for a living, and we even had a whole conversation about it.  So if this guy was real, he would have known that if someone was going to call bullshit on him, it WOULD BE ME.  So as I am essentially defeated at this point and pissed at myself for failing to pinpoint his true identity, I come right out and ask him for his last name.  He gives it to me.

TIME TO CALL BULLSHIT ON YOU LOSER!

I put my highly advanced investigative skills to work and call the bastard right out.  You can’t beat this!!  It actually excites me to go on treasure hunts for information.  So I start the search.  I throw random questions at him, and I ultimately find a guy that fits most of what he has told me, including running for mayor of his town.  I get on Facebook, and this guy is NOT the guy I have been talking to.  Besides looking nothing like him, the real guy is happily married with two teenagers, unlike what the phantom has revealed about his own self.

LOSER PATROL UNLEASHED!

phantom 3

As you probably guessed, I never got a response.  I don’t think I need to even reveal the moral of the story here.  But for all you guys and gals out there who might need it spelled out for you:  DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON PEOPLE!  Some of you reading this are likely either saying I’m smart or I’m crazy.  Call it crazy if you’d like, but as a single mother, I can’t afford to put myself in situations that could put me or my family at risk.  So you are damned sure that I am going to make sure you are who you say you are.