Dating Drama: Single is Still the Only Option

I recently read a great blog about how dating is like finding your missing puzzle piece.  Among the many points she makes is “there is no drama.”  Yes, no drama.  This should not be impossible.  But why does it continue to be?

Let me say start off by saying, “Yes, I know many woman are full of drama!”  But men are too!  For me, dating has been nothing BUT drama.  And NOT brought on by my part.  Dating for me has only produced a stream of constant disappointment, headaches, disrespect, and a complete lack of consideration for my time.  This is only a snapshot in a typical week of a single woman.

  1. Sexual harassment is rampant. I previously blogged about a guy I dubbed “The Masturbator” after I heard him jerking off during a phone conversation.  Well, he came back out of the blue with nothing short of filth.  This is just a snapshot and doesn’t even express the complete disrespect and lewdness of his text messages.  I finally blocked him.  (NOTE: his message about “taking one for the team” was referring to the previous incident where I caught him masturbating on the phone).

masturbator

  1. There is no consideration for your time. As a single mother with a professional job, I have a busy schedule.  So I greatly value the free time I do have.  But then there are times that I make time outside of the typical “every other weekend” by getting a babysitter if someone excites me enough to make the effort and pay the $50 for a night out.  Knowing the juggling it takes to free up time on a random Wednesday night, for example, I am not a happy camper when I get blown off an hour before I’m supposed to meet someone.  Recently, in one week alone, I was blown off three separate times in the span of seven days.  This one was particularly disappointing because we had already been out a couple times, and he made the plans.  We had just confirmed that morning, and then I got this two hours before we were supposed to meet.  It’s frustrating.

blow off

  1. You get drama without asking for it. A friend’s ex messaged me on a dating site.  He didn’t realize who I was, but I knew him right away because my friend had dated him for a couple of years.  I sent her a text message just saying you’ll never guess who messaged me and told her.  What was meant to be a “ha ha” moment where the guy says, “Wow, what a small world?” turned into his being mean, rude and classless.  I did not respond, but let my friend handle it instead.

bill match

 It seems so easy for some to find the missing piece to their puzzle.  But for me, my missing piece is buried within one of those 10,000 piece puzzle sets.  It’s frustrating because I am not a complicated person nor do I lead a complicated life.  And as settling will never be an option, I guess single is the only other one available.

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Top 5 Ways Single Men are Like Santa Claus

As the holidays approach, I am still trying to get in to the spirit. I have my two little boys who provide me with some Christmas magic, but I also realize this is Christmas No. 5 that I am single and alone.  Nobody to think of me, nobody to enjoy holiday activities with, nobody to cuddle with by the fire as the snow blankets the ground.  Sounds depressing, but after five years, I’m used to it.  I planned in advance this year, however.  My best single girlfriends and I are all playing that “special someone” for each other and exchanging gifts.

But all this holiday stuff got me thinking about Santa and the joy of Christmas when I was a little girl – and what Christmas is for me today.  The more I thought about it, I realized that single men are a lot like Santa in many ways.  To all you single ladies out there who have been dating for a long time and learned anything about it, after reading this list, you will not be able to disagree.

Here is my top five list of ways single men are like Santa Claus (we’ll refer to Single Guy here as “Joe”):

They are only good for one day and then disappear. Do you even have enough fingers and toes to count the number of guys you have connected with who just suddenly disappear – for absolutely no reason?  You had a great connection with Joe, everything seemed right.  He kissed you, and even went so far as to start planning that second date.  Joe made you have visions of sugar plums dancing in your head.  Then, POOF. Joe just disappears!  Another Houdini come and gone.  Just as fast as Santa dropped his presents and left, Joe literally stops talking to you.  But like Santa, Joe will come back.  Usually sooner than Santa, perhaps in a couple of months.  However, it is possible that Joe may come back in a year wielding that oh so familiar text, “Hey, how have you been?  I’ve been thinking about you.”

You are not the only one on their list.  Just like Santa has millions of little kids to make happy, Joe has several lists to fulfill himself.  He doesn’t know where to begin he has so many to choose from.  Even if Joe likes you, liking just YOU is not enough for him.  He needs to explore a handful of options, and then another handful.  Because despite telling you how wonderful you are in every way, YOU are STILL not good enough. I had a recent date with an amazing guy.  It was there in every way.  According to him, we had a “unique connection”, he felt “comfortable” with me, and even texted me from his subsequent dates to tell me they sucked and he should have went out with me instead.

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While discussing the possibility of getting together for a second date, he disappeared (like Santa).  So I texted him a few days later and asked if I had a disease or something, and he responded by sharing with me the others on his list (YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP).

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They say “ho ho ho.” Santa has such a jolly “ho ho ho” – and Joe says it too.  It just has a different meaning.  I watch my male friends as they swipe through Tinder.  With each swipe to the right, they say aloud, “I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her, I would sleep with her.”  With every email and every swipe, Joe is not evaluating you as a potential girlfriend.  Joe is thinking, “Ho, ho, ho. I’m horny.”

You have to keep making up reasons why they are real, and it gets harder and harder to give an answer. My boys are starting to ask me tough questions about Santa’s existence, and it’s slowly getting more difficult to make up reasons why he is real.  I feel the same way about Joe.  I’ve met more Joes in the last five years that have turned into NOTHING despite being led to believe otherwise (see number 2 above).  My sons ask me questions such as, “Mama, how can Santa be at our school and the mall at the same time?”  I ask myself questions like, “How did Joe go from making me believe we had a connection to texting me his ho, ho, ho list?”  I keep making up reasons Santa – and Joe – are real, but frankly, I am running out of answers.

The magical fairy tale exists as a child, but then you grow up and find out he wasn’t real after all. As little girls, we dream of meeting a magical man, having a fairy tale wedding, and living happily ever after.  Very much how we dreamed of Santa leaving us our favorite doll under the Christmas tree.  But then you grow up and realize all the hopeful excitement and magical dreams were nothing more than lies to sell toys and cards and books and movies.  Because just like Santa, a real Joe simply fails to exist.

So I asked Santa to bring me a Joe – oh wait!  Forget it.  Merry Christmas!

santa3

Online Dating Diaries: The Masturbator

What started out as a normal conversation with a guy I met on Tinder recently suddenly turned into heavy breathing.  I asked him why he sounded weird, and then I said, “Oh my God, are you masturbating?”  He giggled and denied it, but then he said he just heard his son get up and hung up abruptly.  What the f*ck?  Who was this guy?  I had to know.   So I put my investigative skills into motion (I am THE BEST), and I found him.  There he was – BIG CORPORATE EXECUTIVE!

So I laughed my way to bed that night as I scratched my head saying, “Well that was a first.”  Of course, I fully expected to never hear from The Masturbator again, but sure as hell the next day, he texted me. WHY ME?  He has been relentless, and I am convinced he is a creep and pervert.  And I swear he is dying to send me a cock shot.

mastur1

I have called him a creep and a weirdo and a pervert.  He is CRAZY, although he has tried to convince me he is normal because he hasn’t sent me a cock shot yet.  I don’t have enough fingers to count the number of times he has asked me out and I have ignored him.

mastur2

But finally, I have decided to meet BIG CORPORATE EXECUTIVE this weekend.  Why I have no idea.  But I am completely intrigued for no logical reason whatsoever.

mastur3

5 Reasons to be Thankful for Being Single

It’s a beautiful thing to arrive at a place where you are happy to be single.  In a conversation with one of my best single girlfriends recently, we were discussing dating in general and she commented how she hated being single.  I disagreed.  While I don’t necessarily want single to be a permanent state, I have achieved a level of independence and emotional freedom that I will definitely have a difficult time giving up – if the time ever comes.  Even as I shoveled the driveway and pushed the big trash bins to the curb today, I thought how good it would be to have a man to do those things, but then I remembered the many reasons I am thankful for being single.

So in honor of the holiday tradition, here are the top five reasons single women should be thankful:

No snoring.  This was a text I got from a friend a few nights ago.  Damn, I do not miss having to listen to that nasty gagging sound from the person sleeping next to me.  However, it is always great to be able to give them a good hard kick so they roll over and give you some peace and quiet – even if just for a few minutes.  But it’s only a matter of time before they start snoring again.

snoring

No sharing the bed. While a man’s warm body is great as a defroster for your cold feet, it is not a good enough reason to have to share the bed.  I can lay vertical, horizontal, upside down, kick, flail, covers on, covers off.  It’s the greatest thing.  Or if I want to fall asleep on the couch, I don’t have some annoying voice questioning why I didn’t come to bed last night (because I couldn’t stand the sound of your snoring anymore!). But the best part, you don’t have anyone trying to grab you and rub their morning wood against your back in an attempt to wake you from your peaceful sleep to please them.

Grooming.  Men don’t realize how much effort it takes for a woman to groom herself.  We are supposed to always be soft, smell good, never sweat, and have no hair except on top of our head.  To my married and semi-married friends who let the hair on their legs grow two inches long in the winter and say their husband/boyfriend doesn’t care, I always say, “Trust me, they do.”  Being single, I don’t have to care.  If I don’t want to shave or wax any part of my body for two months, I don’t have to.  If I want to sit in my sweatpants and not shower all weekend, I can do so.  I can look like shit at will and not have to care.

Emotional freedom. Does he like me or not?  Why hasn’t he texted or called me in three days?  What did he mean by that?  Why hasn’t he asked me out again?  Those questions are just dating headaches.  When you’re married or in a relationship, those headaches become even tougher because you have greater expectations.  This is what I mean by emotional freedom.  You don’t have to sit and dwell on what the other person said, what they meant by it, or why they haven’t done something.  You have nobody to argue with, nobody to please, nobody to disrespect you and/or your time.  I only have myself to yell at for leaving dirty dishes in the sink or five pairs of shoes at the door.  It’s the greatest freedom in the world.

Independence. This is by far the most invaluable reason to be thankful for being single.  Especially when I hear a non-single friend say they have to check to see if it’s okay if they go out.  SCREW THAT!  I have become so use to doing what I want, when I want and with whom I want that the thought of having to get another person’s “approval” to go out with my friends seems so unrealistic to me.  Single may end up being a permanent state after all.

So for these reasons, and many more, I am thankful for being single.  Happy Thanksgiving!

The ABCs of Dating: A Satire

After being single for over four years, I decided to take a long hard look at dating and finally realized I am doing it all wrong.  Thus, I have come up with “The ABCs of Dating” – a guide that every woman should follow.  So if you are like me, wondering how some people just seem to fall into a new relationship before they are even out of the last one when you struggle to find a halfway decent guy to actually take you out on a Saturday night, just note you are doing it all wrong.

Here are the ABCs of dating in the 21st century.  It should serve as the Bible for single women around the world looking to land a long-term relationship with a wonderful man.

A is for Always Fuck on the First Date.  C’mon, you KNOW he will still call you the next day.   It is ONLY sex.  It doesn’t mean anything to us.  Oh, and don’t even make him put in an effort and buy you dinner.  A couple of $2 draft beers later and you should be ready to give it up in the backseat of his car.

B is for Blow Job.  In case you have your period and can’t fuck him on the first date, be prepared to give him a blow job.  I completely ruined my chances with a Prince Charming a few months ago by refusing to do so.  He said if nothing was going to happen or he wasn’t going to get a blow job, I could bring him back to his car.  So I brought him back to his car.  STUPID ME!  Undoubtedly, I should have performed my best oral for him.  I know he would have called me the next day, and we could have gone on a second date.

C is for Clueless.  Do NOT have a brain.  Be completely fucking dumb, in fact.  You did NOT go to grad school, you are NOT a professional at a multi-billion dollar company, you do NOT watch the news, you do NOT have an opinion on the mid-term elections.  You are to be nothing less than clueless.  Talk about shoes and how you wish you had enough money to hire someone to clean your house so you don’t have to ruin your manicure.

D is for Disappearing.  Yes, be prepared for him to disappear on you multiple times, and then reappear when he is bored or looking to get laid.  Perhaps you had plans last weekend which were abruptly cancelled due to <insert lame ass excuse here>.  Or more likely, he just stopped texting you because a better piece of ass came along.  He is ALLOWED to disappear at will, and YOU are obligated to be at his beck and call when he texts you out of the blue a month later.

E is for Effort.  Men are absolutely NEVER required to put in an effort.  You should be happy if he even texts you back.  And shit, if he actually OFFERS a couple hours of his time to meet you, don’t anticipate any actual thought be put into impressing you.  Forget flowers, sweetheart.  This isn’t 1962 anymore.  If you get the 2 for $20 special at Applebee’s, you ought to be falling head over heels in love already for the amazing show of effort.  The last girl only got a cup of coffee.

F is for Free.  He is FREE to treat you with complete disrespect, and it is your obligation to make sure you are always FREE for him.  He doesn’t have to call or text you.  He doesn’t have to make time for you.  He is free to come in and out of your life as he sees fit.  You are NOT busy.  It is only the man who is overloaded with prior commitments.  You have no job, no kids to cart around, no friends.  You have NO LIFE – HE is the ONLY ones with a life.  Your only obligation is to sit and wait for him to offer HIS precious time to YOU.  And it may just be for a late night booty call.  But remember, YOU HAVE NO LIFE!  So if he offers you a one hour opportunity on a Wednesday at midnight to come over, take it.  Even better, just leave your kids home alone in bed and drive to his house.  Make it as easy as possible for the man to spend time with you.

G is for Grateful.  Always be grateful for whatever crumbs a man is willing to throw at you.  Remember, you are just one of about 8 – 10 other girls they are communicating with.  And despite the effort most of us put in when meeting a guy for the first time, if you even so much as expect him to say, “Wow, you look great,” you must be smoking crack.  Remember be GRATEFUL you were the “chosen one” he selected to open up two hours in his insanely busy calendar to meet.

H is for Handsome.  Make sure you tell him how handsome he is even if you are taller than him despite the fact he listed himself as 5’ 10” and is distinctly lacking the same amount of hair in person than in his posted pictures.  Laugh at all his jokes.  He is so funny even George Carlin can’t hold a candle next to him in the comedy department.  Ask him lots of questions about himself, but never ever expect him to care about your life, your career, or your hobbies.  Only HE matters.

I is for Ignore.  You are to completely ignore all red flags and the fact that many of the stories he tells you do not add up.  Ignore it when he says his ex-wife and last three girlfriends were crazy.  Ladies, you have to know by now WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE CRAZY.  Guys are not crazy and DO NO WRONG.  We are all crazy for HAVING EXPECTATIONS.  Therefore, you must not ask any questions and just take their word as gospel.

J is for Jilted.  Be prepared to get jilted at all times.  Remember, we have no life.  We live for them.  So when he tells you, “Maybe we can do something on Friday night,” be sure to make no plans, and if you have kids like me, make sure you line a babysitter up JUST IN CASE he texts you at 6 on Friday to say he can meet you for a quick drink. How lucky are you?  You get to spend an hour getting ready and pay $40 for a babysitter so you can meet him for a half hour.  You hit the fucking jackpot!  It is likely you will get jilted, though.  But remember, you must have NO EXPECTATIONS at any time for him to even stick to a simple plan.

K is for Kiss His Ass.  He doesn’t text you back.  No problem.  He didn’t call you the last three times he said he would.  Geez, have you ever known someone who is SO BUSY or goes to bed at 8:00 every night? He still hasn’t offered to meet you despite the fact that you have made yourself available several times.  NO PROBLEM.  When he is ready to give you a half hour, he will tell you.  And it is your obligation to overlook the last two times he blew you off and drop everything you are doing to be free for him.  You must always kiss his ass.

L is for Less.  This one is very simple.  You give more, they give less.  Repeat that a thousand times until you remember it.

M is for Magnificent.  Everything he does is magnificent and mind blowing.  Just accept everything you have accomplished or have to manage on a daily basis pales in comparison to the level of achievement and responsibility he holds.  You are only magnificent when he is horny and wants to dump a quick one.  It is amazing how interested he is then.

The ABCs of Dating, Part 2 coming soon…