I was having lunch with a long-time friend and his teenage son yesterday. He was telling his son about my adventures in dating and said, “You have to tell him the story about the Kung Fu guy. That was my favorite story ever.” I completely forgot about Kung Fu guy, but when I tell the story, you’ll wonder how COULD you forget.
The Kung Fu Master, oh yes. He was one of the very first guys I ever talked to when I started dating. He was 34, no kids and owned a painting company. He was quite handsome and seemed just like the average guy you picture drinking a few beers and yelling at the TV when a bad call is made on a Sunday football game.
I got a bad taste in my mouth right away. The first time we talked on the phone, I learned he grew up in the area and we had several mutual people in common. He knew a few girls that I hung around with in junior high and high school, and at the mention of their names, he said, “Oh, so you were part of the bitch crowd.” Um, okay.
Then I mentioned a guy who I was close with from playing sports as a kid. In fact, I played Pop Warner football with him and his dad was our coach. He was my first childhood crush. Wrong name to mention because this guy became angry and said how this guy bullied him throughout high school and if he ever saw him today, he’d “knock his teeth down his throat” for all the torture he caused him growing up. Okay, so this is apparently not going well.
Now to the best part…
He wants to take me out, and while I am hesitant after our phone conversation, I give him a chance and ask him what he has in mind. He asked me if I ever tried judo. I said no. He seems surprised that I never tried it, and he suggested we do it on our first date. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable having that kind of close physical contact with someone I didn’t know. But he insisted, “You’ll love it.”
So then he proceeds to tell me (GET READY FOR THIS) that the best part of judo was this certain move that would involve me putting my foot into his groin and flipping him over. He went into this whole thing about how the pressure feels great. Oh my, it’s like one of those moments you never forget. I remember where I was when the Challenger blew up, or when 9/11 happened, or when Saddam was captured. And now I had Kung Fu guy to add to that list.
I remember EXACTLY where I was and who I was with. I remember saying aloud, “Put my foot in your groin? Are you some kind of sick fuck?” My friend and I had our boys and were heading to the Lego store with them at that very moment. I remember her looking at me and she said, “Hang the phone up now.” She didn’t even know who I was talking to or any details about this guy. She had only been listening to bits of my conversation with him and was completely dumbfounded. I was in so much shock I didn’t know what to do so I just hung up on him in mid-sentence.
He kept trying to call me back. I would not answer. Then the text bombing started. Then he left me a two minute voice mail. This guy was NOT going to go away so I decided I’d give him a polite response. In his voice mail, he insisted how he was being dead serious and not trying to be kinky. So I graciously responded, “Perhaps I mistook what you were saying not being familiar with judo, but I just don’t think this is going to work out. Good luck.”
He still would NOT go away. I finally had to block him online and on my phone.
So yes, that is my experience with the Kung Fu Master. He definitely deserves the honor of Top Freak.