Surviving a Narcissist: Three Months Later

To honor three months of NO CONTACT, I had the opportunity to do what most survivors of a narcissist have probably not done.  I celebrated with one of the women he cheated on me with a year ago.  We went to the same place to see the same band he took her to the very night I caught him.  How is THAT for irony?

Even after that cheating incident, I got caught back up in his whirlwind of lies.  He would insult her to me and made up lies about her.  I ultimately contacted her directly to ask questions, and she denied his vicious lies.  And as much as I continued to want to love this man, I NEVER doubted HER for one second.  I knew she was the only one that was going to tell me the truth.  For he had no history of being able to tell me the truth, and even continued to lie to me even when I presented him with undeniable proof.  She had no reason to lie.

It has been a slow process, but I am regaining my power and my sense of self.   In fact, a woman who I admire dearly stopped me today on the way out of work and said to me, “You seem truly happy” noting that for the last year, as she put it, I was there and smiling, but “not really there.”  Empty, hollow, indifferent, robotic, unfeeling.  THAT is what I had become after almost 18 months of being abused, lied to, cheated on, and manipulated by a narcissist.  I had completely shut down.  That is how you have to be.  It is the only way to cope, the only way to survive.  You simply fail to exist anymore.

This is why this past weekend was such a significant milestone for me.  Nothing good rarely ever comes out of such an experience.  But I was blessed to meet a wonderful woman who has supported me through this mess and became a great friend in the process.  It’s unfortunate it had to be under the conditions it was, but despite all the “crazy ex” drama he tried to throw on her about me, she was that much wiser than most and said, “YOU are the SICK FUCK, not her.”

The first NO CONTACT started in August after one of my closest friends tragically died at 35 leaving behind four children.  His reaction when I told him was so disgusting it is not even worth repeating here.  He shed not a single ounce of sympathy or support for me.  The day after her death, he never even called or texted me to ask how I was doing, and instead WENT ON A DATING SITE.  And if that is not bad enough, he had NO SHAME finally texting me a few days later to ask if I was going to bring him to the Journey concert.  YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

narc 2

With NO CONTACT, they will try anything and everything to get your attention.  He even went so far as to send an email to this same girl he cheated on me with, six months after the original incident, verbally attacking her as he knew it would get back to me.

All said and done, I needed one more dropkick in the face from him and his new narcissistic supply to finally GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD.  Reconnecting with an old high school friend who had just left an abusive relationship, she said to me, “You are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and you need to get out NOW.”  She pointed me to a number of resources and sent me on my way.  I read until my eyes hurt that night.  Then I cried, and read more.  Each website I visited, each article I viewed, each victim’s experience I read – it was if I could have written it myself.  IT FINALLY ALL MADE SENSE.  He was a textbook narcissist sociopath.

But I REFUSE to play the victim card, and sit here and feel sorry for myself.  That is allowing them to have POWER OVER YOU.  I am NOT saying, however, that I still don’t have an occasional weak moment because I do.  This continues to be a struggle, but it gets easier every day.

I am finding ME again – my joy and happiness.  I want to help others, too, who may not be as fortunate as I am to have a solid support system.  I recently applied to be a mentor and volunteer for domestic violence victims.  I’m moving forward, and I can finally say I am starting to feel like myself again.  I’m smiling again – and it’s genuine, not forced.   I haven’t been able to say that in a very long time.

I am no fool though…and the charades still continue.  Two weeks ago, I got a series of vile text messages mocking me from an unknown number (likely Text Now or some other app).  It reeked of the narc.  Here is a brief snapshot of the filth.

narc 1

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4 thoughts on “Surviving a Narcissist: Three Months Later

  1. So good you’re free and gaining your joy back. It’s a hard road but No Contact is the only way. I spent 12 years with my exN. been almost 10 months of NC. It gets easier with each passing day, still some weak moments but they are few and far between… I wish you the best!!!

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