The Truth Behind Tinder: Profile 1

I went to a psychic the other night who told me I was going to meet my “sweetheart” by April 8 and that I was going to hit a significant jackpot very soon.  Well, I bought a lottery ticket and that didn’t pay off so I decided last night to sign up for Tinder again.  I had a one week stint on there not too long ago at the recommendation of a few girls at work – and I’m surprised I even lasted a week.  But seeing the lottery ticket didn’t pay off, I thought if I’m going to stand a chance to meet this “sweetheart” of mine, I have to put myself out there. 

So why choose the biggest “hookup” site out there?  Let me clarify that my experience has been that all dating sites are 95% about hooking up.  Only about 5% of the dating population is actually dateable.  Some guys are at least honest and will tell you flat out that they are just looking to get laid and give you the courtesy of not wasting your time if you want something more serious.  Then others proclaim to be “actively seeking a relationship,” but are actively doing so with five women at the same time.  Therefore, I chose Tinder because it doesn’t make you fill out a bunch of useless profile information that nobody reads anyway.  It’s very simple:  either you’re hot or you’re not.  And if there is a mutual attraction, then you take the conversation offline.  Shallow, but very honest.

On my last Tinder stint, I had one date with a guy who kept disappearing into the bathroom every ten minutes and then stuck me with the $60 dinner bill (yes gents, I paid).  So I’m going to try this as a social experiment and at least have fun with it by proving Tinder, like every other dating site, is mostly just a bunch of guys looking for easy girls to bang (I will knock on the ladies for this in a little bit so save the hating, guys).

I signed up last night again and had 12 matches today.  Here’s an overview of one conversation here.  We’ll call him “M” – a very attractive, 34 year old court officer.  So I reach out to my favorite girls and ask them to rate him on a scale of 1 – 10.  He gets 8s and 9s across the board.  The conversation goes like this:

M:  So beautiful. 😉

Me:  Thank you.  How are you?  (NOTE: I HATE when guys call me beautiful or honey or sweetie or sexy or anything of the sorts without knowing me, but I don’t want to be a bitch so I sidestep it).

A few formalities later like where do you live, what do you do for work, he says he is heading to the gym, etc.

M:  So can we hang out sometime?  😉

Me:  Define “hang out” and then I’ll decide.

M:  Hahahaha.  Ummmm.  We can talk then lots of HUGS and KISSES and whatever else you might want. 😉

(Ok, enough with the winks dude)

Me: I’m looking to hang out as in do something fun and enjoy someone’s company.  I really don’t see myself in your bed at the end of the night.  😉  (I did the wink back at him just because I wanted to be as dumb as him)

M: Gotcha.

Me:  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  Looking for some action, huh?

M:  Yeah, just funnnn.  Nothing serious, I’m just out of a relationship.

I decide to have a little fun if I can.

Me:  Why is everyone on here conveniently “just out of a relationship”?

M:  Hahahaha.  Dunno.

Me:  Have fun having “fun.”  Good luck.

M:  K.  U2

I also eliminated two of my other 12 “matches” in the same manner – they were just more direct including one who skipped formalities altogether and said, “You’re smooooking babe.  When can we meet for a drink?”

Now to knock on my own gender.  C’mon, where has the self-respect gone, ladies?  I have some very close male friends who are also single so I know what goes on out there, and it outrages me.  No wonder why every guy just wants to have “fun” – because women make it so easy.  Guys don’t even have to pay for dinner half the time…girls send self-porn freely and willingly go to a guy’s house on request.  One male friend recently had a girl tell him if he paid for her cab to his house, she’d come over and take care of him.

Oh, the thrills of online dating!  I will be back to report again, but until then, I remain convinced that jackpot is much more likely to come true than meeting my sweetheart anytime soon.  I might have to hit the casino this weekend.