Have you ever been cheated on? Whether a high school romance or in a committed marriage, the chances are most of us at some point in our life have been cheated on by someone we loved. Whatever the reason, it is a painful and devastating experience. Sometimes it ends well, and couples are able to move on and grow from the mistake. Other times, it ends bad, and can lead to separation or divorce and a broken family.
In most normal relationships, cheating occurs due to an unmet need in the relationship. The old saying, “Men cheat for sex, and women cheat for love” I have found to be very true as I’ve grown older and seen the fallout of many relationships and marriages due to infidelity. While it’s sad and VERY wrong, I have come to at least try and understand why some people do it.
When one is with a narcissist or sociopath, cheating (as a sane person might rationalize it) is nothing like you could ever imagine. Cheating is just something they do because they can. Narcissism and infidelity are inextricably linked. Narcissists are known to cheat repeatedly, “no matter what the perceived quality of the central relationship in their lives.” This article describes it perfectly: It is “such that these individuals cheat repeatedly on their spouses or significant others, usually without understanding that they have done something wrong. The typical narcissist believes he is beyond reprisal and entitled to do as he pleases at all times.”
A cheating narcissist will likely do one of three things:
- Deny it and tell you that you’re crazy and imagining things
- Threaten you if you expose them to the other woman
- Blatantly throw it in your face because they don’t give a shit about you or anyone else (and then threaten you)
I’ve had all three done to me by my ex-narcissist.
I already demonstrated number one in my last blog. But here is another example. In the course of one day, you find a diamond earring in his bed, women’s sunglasses on his night stand, and his ex-wife loses her shit on him in front of you saying, “Tell her the truth you asshole” to which she turns to me to apologize saying, “I’m sorry. I really like you, but what he’s doing to you is not fair. I am tired of him having so many different women around the kids.”
His explanation: He has no idea what I’m talking about with the earring. There was no earring in his bed when he looked and if there was, it was just one of the girls. The sunglasses are his and he bought them recently (THEY WERE WOMEN’S SUNGLASSES and he even WORE THEM to make me look crazy). Oh, and his ex-wife is psychotic. C’mon, I should know better than that by now. She just wants him back and is jealous that he has moved on so she is trying to start shit with me so I’ll break up with him.
For number two, it goes something like this. You spend Friday night together, take the kids out, have dinner and watch movies. Everything is hunky dory, peachy keen in your world when you leave the next day. Kissy, kissy, love, love, “Call me when you get home baby.” But he ignores your call and your text later that day. Little do you know that in less than twelve hours, you are about to get the surprise of your life. While out with my best friend, I opened up Facebook and started scrolling through my news feed only to see a picture of his smiling ass face with another woman. It turns out this woman had several mutual friends with me and obviously had no idea that I existed. But she would find out when I contacted a mutual friend to blow his cover. His response to me: I better stop what I am doing or there will be hell to pay.
And number three, what I like to call “The Final Discard,” instead of taking you out for your birthday which he was supposed to do, he sends you a picture of himself with his new conquest (AKA narcissistic supply) as your Happy Birthday. The same woman, who mind you, I was questioning him about for the two weeks previous after receiving a series of Facebook requests and anonymous phone call alluding to the fact he had another woman. In one of his best responses ever, I asked who she was and he said, “I don’t know. It’s irrelevant to both of us. It doesn’t bother me and it shouldn’t bother you.”
What the hell does that mean? I’m watching this woman write suggestive things all over your Facebook and you don’t know who she is. Well he sure did three days later when he sent me a picture of them together to say Happy Birthday.
So goes life with a narcissist. As a normal person reading this, you will likely say to yourself, “What the hell was this chick smoking?” and probably think I am the dumbest woman on the face of this planet. But until you have been emotionally abused by a narcissist to the point you are worn down, weak, beaten up mentally, exhausted, anxious, constantly on edge and completely empty inside, it is hard to understand the toll it takes on your rationale and everything you have ever known to be RIGHT in the world.